Red Iguana Noon: Wrath of Knowledgius
Chapter 19: Thoroughly Demoralized.
From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu
Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 19
Date: 9 Aug 1994 18:47:21 GMT
Message-ID: <328ivp$phr@agate.berkeley.edu>
[In a forgotten laboratory in a forgotten building hidden deep
inside a forgotten city lie the HQ of the Vile Atheist Scientists
For a Better Tomorrow Society. Inside, Jason McBryer and Dave
Batchelor are finalizing their plans for their part in the
Final Assault on the Pube Fort.]
Dave: Well, I've called the Adept, Nick Noon, and Paul King. They
will meet us there.
Jason: Good job. And I've already notified... [dramatic pause]
->her<-.
[Dave sighs and nods sadly; he did not desire to call ->her<-
but understands there is no available option if they are to
defeat the Might of the Mighty Red Iguana]
Dave: Well, what are you waiting for, let's go!
[They leave hurredly, taking the important Galactic Plot Device
with them]
[Meanwhile, in a remembered building in plain view, shallow on the
streets of a very well known city, we find a figure dressed in
the green robes of Unicorn Priesthood, addressing the crowd of
his companions]
Andrew Lias: Friends, fellow IPU'ers (prophets and laypersons
alike), we face the hour of truth. As written in the book
of Hooves, "For see that the Iguana shall come upon us and
pretend to lay destruction. And indeed he shall appear as a
bumbling fool, ferrets his only company. But when he is about
to obtain victory I shall Not Appear and lead my forces into
battle".
Mike McAngus: [leafing furiously through his own copy
of the Big Blue Book] Ehr, Andrew... Which chapter are you
talking about here?
Andrew: [glares at Mike] I thought it was pretty clear. This is
Chapter 22 and a half.
Mike: [finds the adequate page, and frowns] I'm sorry, but you seem
to have been reading in the wrong place. What I have here are
remarks about cocodriles and mice.
Andrew: Mike, how many times have I told you? The New Revised
Formerly MisTranslated Version of the Big Blue Book is no good!
Only the New Standard Revised Standard Revision contains the words
of the Invisible Pink Unicorn (pbuh) in their original meaning!
Mike: [stands up and shouts] Heresy! How dare you utter such
words in this, her holy place of worship? Next think you'll be
bringing in a Veggie Pizza!
Crowd: Ooooooooh!
Jim Perry: [stands up and interposes his body in between the
battling prophets] Gentlemen, this fight is pointless.
I think we all agree that it is in our best interest,
and that of the IPU (pbuh) that we roll in force and face
this despicable Red Iguana and his companion Ferret Boy, who
threaten to modify our modifications to the Vector of Society.
Whether or not we can justify it by the words of the IPU (pbuh)
is immaterial (just as She is).
[The crowd assents in silence]
David Hanley (the Man in Black): [stands up solemnly] Being the only
one of our number who has seen the Pube Fort and come back to tell
the tale, I think it is my duty to explain what I have seen.
Mike: Big deal! You're the only one of our number who has gone there!
David Hanley: [glares at him] Like I said, being the only one who has
seen it and come back to tell the tale, I will now tell you what I
think is the best way to approach it.
[He takes out an aerial photograph of the Pube Fort]
David: As you can see, the Main Gate is heavily defended by guard
towers, trenches, and the partially completed moat. It would be
almost impossible to go through it... unless of course we had something
like a soviet tank. I think therefore, that our best shot is to
attack from the south.
Jim: Why the south?
David: Because that idiot Red Iguana forgot to build the wall
->encircling<- his fort! It only covers the North!
Jim: Ah. I see your point.
[We leave the Holy IPU Forces to their planning]
[Meanwhile, on the north side of the Pube Fort, Stacy Prowell is slowly
approaching the former soviet tank he has just attempted to destroy.
Waiting for him on the tank are Angela Dyer, Timothy Lehnerer,
Stryder, Dan Johnson, and Clark Adams.]
Stacy: Stryder, I'll kill you with my bare hands!
Stryder: It was Dan's idea! Really!
[Suddenly, the remainder of the WACSDAAG forces runs to stop this
intra-mural fighting. They are lead by the indomitable Tony Lawrence]
Tony: Now, now. I think we all realize that this in-fighting only
plays into the Crimsom Lizard's hand. I say we stop it right now, and
concentrate our efforts on destroying him once and for all. Do
I hear a second for the motion? [He looks around]
Clark: Tony, much as I am in favor of organization, and Parliamentary
procedure and everything, I think it's out of place here. Let's just
take a quick voice vote, ok. All those in favor?
Everyone but Stacy: Aye!
Clark: Motion carried. Stacy, are you willing to reassume your position
of leadership? Are you ready to take on the man who called you Stupid?
[Stacy suddenly remembers why they are all here. To get a new
rug for his cat, made out of a silly Iguana costume].
Stacy: [slowly] Yes I am... But don't think I've forgotten this, Stryder!
Or you, Dan!
Tim: |
Well, it looks like we solved
this little difficulty to our
satisfaction. Let's see if we
can manage to beat the Iguana
now, shall we?
|
Dan, Stacy, and Tony, together: Nice margins! I forgot how
good you were.
[They look at each other and then burst out laughing]
[Meanwhile, back at the Pube Fort, we left the shadow of
Ferret Boy about to backstab the shadow of the Mighty
Red Iguana, due to the unholy influence of Knowledgius
Objectivus, Vile Atheist God, who has hypnotized the poor
Companion]
[Just as the knife starts descending, the Iguana notices the
shadows and throws himself on the floor! He rolls expertly
away from the attacking ferret...]
[... and falls down the stairs he has just climbed]
[Ferret Boy hits the floor; as per instructions, he snaps
out of the hypnotic trance as soon as the attempt is over]
Ferret Boy: [shakes his head in confusion] What am I doing here?
What's going on? [He looks down the stairs and sees the
body of His Hero sprawled on the floor] Publius, are you OK?
[Publius painfully picks himself up, and points an accusing
finger at Knowledgius, who is still in a cage in the middle of
the auditorium]
In article <31gn44$e5a@tequesta.gate.net>,
Publius <publius@gate.net> wrote:
>
> It is obvious from this and all the preceding follow-ups to
> this "Atheism not a religion" Thread that you are all
> thoroughly demoralized, with no place to hide.
Knowledgius: Well, what is obvious is that there is something
wrong with your 'Loyal' <snicker> companion. In fact, we are
not demoralized. And the reason we are not hiding is that
even now, as we speak, my Atheist forces are coming together to
lay siege and destroy this place! As to your stupid little
cages, they only hold me because I allow them to.
> To firm up you wretched situation I hereby - by the authority
> of the Founder of the Christian Religion - cast this 'Spell'
> on you all that will follow you for the rest of your days:
[Knowledgius suddenly looks afraid. He/she/it knows not what
mystical powers the Mighty Crimsom Lizard of Religiosity has
tapped into, and a good Fireball or Lightning Bolt could cook
him/her/it out of existence if he/it/she fails its/his/her saving
throw. He snaps his fingers and says]
Knowledgius: Well, it's been fun stopping by. Ta-ta, and don't
forget to mention the "Game of the Gods" a couple more times, you
hear?
[He dissappeaCSDAAG forces, who have just
agreeto get together and attaaifiant threat]
> Toouhereby - by the authority
> of the Founder of the Christian Religion - cast this 'Spell'
> on you all that will follow you for the rest of your:
iva Publius! Cast a good Hurricane
(only three
greerath of God! Yes, that's it, cast Wrath of God!
You do have enough white mana, right?
[The atheist forces look in disdain and puzzlement at this.]
Dan: Doesn't the KJV of the Bible say something about not
letting witcicalities! I'll beobgrow up.
[Publius prepares himself for his incantathimself up,
and chants]
> "Whenvee the year-date you will think of
> the word "Christ", whose Name and Personality lies at
> 'Ground Zero' of the Christian Age and the Christian
> Culture of which you are ungrateful beneficiaries.
Stacy: Wasn't he born somewhere around 7 B.C.E.? And last time I
checked, there was no year zero...
Tony: [shouts up to the Lizard] You know, the mere thought hasn't eveto console yourselves by thinking of
> this as the 'Common Era' you will still think of "Christ",
> infuriated by the knowledge that there is no other
> origin of our dating system."
Tony: [desists] Idind redemption. No sense in arguing.
> This is to teach you the lesson that you can't fool with -
> PUBLIUS
[Is Publius' spell working? Will atheists be forever bound by this
terrible spell? Can they do anything? Will the Holy IPU Forces
be able to dispell it? And who is theguana Noon: The Wrath of Knowledgius!]
==============================================
"It's not denial. I'just very selective about
what I acept as reality."
--- Calvin ("Cavin and Hobbes")
==============================================
Arturo Magidin
magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu
magidin@math.berkeley.edu
[Fereon the edge of the Iguana Costume]
Ferret Boy: Ehr, Rthink Wrath of God would have been
a little more effective...
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