Red Iguana Noon: Wrath of Knowledgius
Chapter 18: Western Man and the Game of the Gods.
From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu
Subject: Red Iguana Noon Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 18
Date: 16 Jul 1994 21:17:09 GMT
Message-ID: <309iol$cdc@agate.berkeley.edu>
[We begin our action in a cramped laboratory, filled with glass
thingamajigs, colorful liquids, and a giant Jacob Ladder for
effects; as you can all see, this particular Mad Scientist
Laboratory has been decorated by Hollywood]
[In one corner, hunched over a microscope, is a white-robed figure
he seems to be mumbling something to a strange apparatus which is
placed directly over his ear...]
Jason McBrayer: Yes, yes. You heard right. A large Ham and Pineapple
Pizza, to be delivered to the headquarters of the
Vile Atheistic Scientists for a Better Tomorrow Society. Care of
Jason McBrayer. And if it's not here in thirty minutes, I'll have to
use our Orbital Mind Altering satellites to make you an atheist!
[Jason hangs up the phone, and calls to his Vile companion]
Jason: Hey, Dave, pizza is on it's way! Has anything interesting
happened so far?
Dave Batchelor: Well, last I knew Stacy Prowell had fired a bazooka
at the tank, that Red Iguana had captured that strange man/woman/person
who calls himself/herself/itself Knowledgius Objectivus, Vile Atheist
God <snicker>. Of course almost a month has gone by since then, so I
guess I'll have to say "no".
[Hey! Some of us have other things to do besides conquering the world,
you know!]
Dave: Like what?
[Changing the subject, they hear a knock on the door]
<knock, knock>
Jason: Who is there?
Dave: I will not allow our first appearance in this series to devolve
into a stupid Knock Knock joke! Besides, it's probably the pizza.
[Dave opens the door, to find a man dressed in black holding out his
hand]
Man in Black: Is this the HQ of the Vile Atheistic Scientists for a
Better Tomorrow Society?
Dave: Yes.
Man in Black: I have something for Jason McBrayer and Dave Batchelor.
Dave: [ponders for a second] I know that voice...
Man in Black: Here, compliments of Andrew Lias. [He stretches forth
his right hand, which is holding two silver Atheist Conspiracy
Decoder Rings(tm)]
Dave: [suspiciously] David? David Hanley? Is that you?
Man in Black: Damn! You recognized me!
Jason: David Hanley! Well, your dress habits certainly haven't changed
since you left us. What is it you've got there?
David: Oh, it's two Decoder Rings. Andrew is trying to get one to
everyone. This way he can communicate with all of us without having
the theists understand us (not that they usually do, mind you).
Jason: Oh, well. They look cool.
[Jason and Dave take their rings, and put them on. They turn towards
the door and notice that David is gone]
Jason: Oh well. At least it looks like the action is picking up again.
Let's go watch what's going on, shall we?
Dave: Sure.
[Dave turns on the Vile Atheist Scientists Vid-Screen. We see in it
a captive Knowledgius. Standing in front of him, gloating, are two
figures clad in funny animal costumes. One crimsom red, the other
dark brown.]
[Yes! It's the Mighty Red Iguana, Defender of Religion, Knower Extraordinaire,
and his Faithfull Companion, Ferret Boy!]
[The Red Iguana has placed Knowledgius in a cell in the middle of the
underground auditorium in the Pube Fort. The auditorium was designed
to fit every single one of the Red Iguana's legions of admirers while
he stands on the podium.]
[Behind the podium we see two red flags with white cirles on them and
a swastika painted in the middle. The red iguana is also wearing a
replica of an SS captain hat, and an armband with the nazi symbol]
[In the podium is the cage with Knowledgius. The only two seats in
the auditorium are occupied by the Red Iguana and Ferret Boy]
Knowledgius: Don't you think this is a little over the top, Publius?
I think there is a clear undercurrent of anti-semitism to be found here.
In article <2v3u9u$lkp@tequesta.gate.net>,
Publius <publius@gate.net> wrote:
>
> "...an undercurrent of anti-semitism.. "?
Ferret Boy: I believe that is what he said, Mein Fuehrer.
[The Red Iguana turns towards his companion]
> I note more than
> an undercurrent of anti-christianism in your postings.
Ferret Boy: [looks ->very<- confused] My postings? But I only
forwarded yours? I know that the people in soc.religion.misc really
hate your guts and everything, and they say you are bashing
christians pretending to be one, but if so, it's your fault!
[The Red Iguana waves away this silly (and sad) commentary
that explain why the auditorium only has two seats. He takes,
from his Iguana-Pack, a copy of a well-thumbed magazine, titled
"Commentary", published by the Moral Minority]
> Reading "Commentary" I note more and more Jews are advancing
> the idea that the survival of the Jews depends on the
> survival of the Christians - specifically Western Man.
Knowledgius: What did you expect from the Moral Minority? They
have the same stupid nomenclature you use!
> That also is the thrust of my 'Game of the Gods" thesis.
[At the mention of the Game of the Gods two things happen
simultaneously. Knowledgius' face splits into an ear-to-ear
grin, and Ferret Boy's eyes glaze over]
[And you thought I wouldn't use this plot device again!]
[Ferret Boy stands up and heads toward the exit]
[Thinking he has been misunderstood, Publius explains
the use of his terms to his companion]
> I use the terms 'Jew' and 'Christian' in their racial
> and religious sense. Anything wrong in that?
[There is no response from the now non-responsive side-kick]
[Publius stands up to follow Ferret Boy, but is about to
hurl one final insult in the Atheist God's face:]
> When you
> declared yourself an Atheist, did that make you less a Jew?
[And a mighty ineffective insult it turns out to be. Knowledgius
falls to ground laughing and gasping for air]
Knowledgius: Hahahahahah! A Jew? Me? He! The Atheist God? Aren't
you confusing somethings, my little pet? hahahahahahahaha!
[Publius grimaces at the lack of effectiveness of his taunts,
and heads toward the exit]
[But before leaving, he turns toward the imprisoned atheist God and
says]
>
>I'm flattered the way you jump on my typographical errors.
>Sub-consciously, you have to prove I am not perfect
>notwithstanding all the evidence to the contrary.
[Saying this, he turns towards the door...]
[...and bangs himself full on the face, since he forgot to open it
before leaving. This sends Knowledgius into further convultions
of laughter]
Knowledgius: Per <hahahaha!> fect! <hahahaha!> You know, I think
I have more fun listening <hahahaha!> to you than plotting your
downfall! <hahahahahaha!>
[Publius disdainfully exits the room, turning off the light as he does
so. The contributions haven't exactly been pouring in, and the Pube Fort's
treasury is almost depleted. He must save on energy bills.]
[As he reaches the top of the stairs, he finds Ferret Boy holding something
and muttering]
Ferret Boy: Agog, mah su gog, guefghe mah gog.
>
>'Gog and Magog' are doing well!
[Answers Publius, misinterpreting the comments completely]
[At this point, Dave Batchelor turns to Jason]
Dave: This is terrible! It looks like the Iguana is about to win!
We should do something!
Jason: Right! Call Mark McCollough and tell him to meet us there!
You should also call Nick Noon. He usually has good one-liners.
We have to do something!
Dave: [looks up startled] Her! You think things are that bad?
Jason: I'm sure they are.
[He leaves the room]
[Meanwhile in the Pube Fort]
<KaBoooooom!>
[We hear the sound of bazooka fire hitting a formerly
communist tank]
[Publius starts at the sound, thinking it is an attack on the
Pube Fort. He turns towards his companion, and says:]
> They think they have us on
>the run. But just keep in mind what happened to them
>as stated in Chapter 20
[Chapte
[Publiuowt on going towards
his arsenal to face the WACSDAAG threat]
in the wall, the two shadows of our heroes. The r shadow rises his right arm, which has grasped in it
what looks like a prop from 'Psycho'. He slowly approaches our hero...]
[Don't you just hate cliffhangers? Well, we have one here.
Will Ferret Boy stab Publius on the back? Will Knowledgius
collect himself/itself/herself long enough to escape?
Who is the mysterious "Her" that the Vile Atheist Scientists
For a Better Tomorrow a
======================================================================
"It's not denial. I'm just very selective about
what I accept as reality."
--- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes")
======================================================================
Arturo Magidin
magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu
magidin@math.berkeley.edu
Stryder: Well, ->I'm<- not hurt. How's everyone else?
Angee: I hate to admit it, but this is a pretty good tank. I'm fine.
Dan? Clark?
Dan: Ok here.
Clark: No problem.
[In the distance is Stacy Prowell]
Stacy: Oh well, I guess I'll have to strangle them with my bare
hands instead.
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