Red Iguana Noon: Wrath of Knowledgius
Chapter 17: This Escape Route Is Blocked.
From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu
Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 17
Date: 15 Jun 1994 20:13:27 GMT
Message-ID: <2tnnd7$5j4@agate.berkeley.edu>
[When we last saw our hero, Rejected By Universities, Master Historian,
Repeater of Truths (Ad Nauseaum), User of Pseudonyms, Eater of the
Paradox Sandwich, The Mighty and Very Difficult to Beat Red Iguana,
he had not only escaped from the Blue Logical Thought cage in which
Knowledgius had imprisoned him, he had not only reunited with his
almost faithful companion Ferret Boy, he had not only managed to
knock Knowledgius unconcious with Mighty Argumentations(tm),
he had not only fixed his broken nose, but he had also heard the
tank of the WACSDAAG forces come crashing down his House of Cards,
ehr, I mean the Pube Fort Gate.]
[Ferret Boy starts prancing and jumping around Publius, displaying
his ferrety nature]
Ferret Boy: Publius! Publius! The atheists are coming! The atheists
are coming! They crashed down the gate!
[Publius, that master of coolness, that Iceberg Among Superheroes,
calmly approaches the window and peers out. This is what he sees and
hears:]
Dan Johnson: Look out, everybody! It's Stacy! Brace for impact!
[The WACSDAAG forces in the tank, Angela Dyer, Dan Johnson,
Clark Adams, Stryder, and newcomer Tim Lehnerer, watch as
Stacy Prowell appraches, a single thought in his mind:]
Stacy's Mind: You'll pay for that, Stryder!
[Well, now that we have seen a few of the atheists and mentioned
their names, we can go back to the inside of the Pube Fort]
[Inside the Pube Fort, the Mighty Red Iguana, Defender of Life-Oriented
Religions, Admirer of The Egyptian Obelisk, has seen
enough. He gives out a sigh of contempt at the Atheist Forces
arrayed against him, and turns back to his office.]
[Knowledgius has, meanwhile, disappeared!]
Ferret Boy: Publius! He's, I mean She's, ehr it's. Oh, hell! (Sorry
Red Iguana, won't happen again; yes, I know what happens to
blasphemers: They get to read your full thesis). I mean Knowledgius
is gone!
[Publius does not answer. He mereley looks slightly amused and walks
purposely to his library]
Ferret Boy: What's going on? Where are you going?
[They enter the library, only to see Knowledgius struggling
with the door in the library]
Knowledgius: I don't understand what is wrong with this
damn door! Open, dammit! Open! Open!
In article <2sj2qn$ktd@inca.gate.net>,
Publius <publius@inca.gate.net> wrote:
>
> I'm afraid this escape route is blocked.
>
Ferret Boy: Yes! Har, you Corrupter of the Vector of Society! You
Silly Excuse For a Linear Transformation! The destruction your
Atheists have brought on this place has prevented you from
escaping! There's debris blocking the other side of that door!
Har again! Oh, Great and Magnificent Publius! I see now that you
have always been right! Atheism ->does<- turn in on itself!
[Knowledgius turns around, his/its/her face a shade of red very
similar to that of the Red Iguana's scarlet Iguana costume]
Knowledgius: Why, you little...tiresome... Rodent Tyke! I don't care
if you are still programmed to do my bidding! I will destroy you
here and now!
[An inhuman growl of rage forces its way up the Atheist God's
throat, as he/she/it points her/its/his Godly Right Index Finger
in Ferret Boy's direction]
<Insert Sound Effect of inhuman growl of rage here>
Ferret Boy: Programmed? By you? What could that mean?
[The innocent Ferret Boy does not have time to ponder this
momentous revelation, for a flash of blinding blue light has
emerged from Knowledgius's Godly Right Index Finger and is
heading in his direction!]
Knowledgius: I'll see you in Hell, next time I go have
Fish 'n Chips with Lucifer, Rodent Tyke!
[Publius interposes his Iguana-suited Body in the path of the
blinding blue light...]
<fizzle>
[...which dissapears in a puff of purple smoke when it hits our
Mighty Hero's Costume!]
[Or should that be "... our Hero's Mighty Costume"?]
[Publius shakes his head at Knowledgius and says, slowly and
deliberately, like a professor talking to a stupid child:]
> 'Satanism' is a form of 'popular religion'.
Knowledgius: Who said anything about satanism? It was a figure
of speech, you moron!
[Knowledgius attempts to harm the Mighty Iguana and His Companion
Ferret Boy again, by hurling flashes of light at them. Blue! Red!
Yellow! Green! White! They all meet the Mighty Iguana Constume and
dissipate. In a desperate attempt, the Atheist God hurls his ultimate
weapon, a second-cousin-twice-removed-on-its-mother's-side of the
infamous Omega-Effect of evil Darkside (a note to non-comics readers;
even if you read comics this would make little to no sense), a flash
of Black Light(tm)!]
<Ka-Booooo-fizzle>
[Which again dissipates in our Mighty Hero's Scarlet Costume]
[His voice full of contempt at the Atheist God's impotence, the
Red Iguana reaches into his Iguana Utility Belt and pulls out
a voluminous book, titled:]
<Trumpets playing a kingly march>
+--------------------------+
| |
| The Game Of The Gods |
| |
| A Thesis |
| |
| by |
| |
| Stanley F. Nizenski |
| |
+--------------------------+
[The Iguana tosses it towards the confused Deadly Enemy of
Religion, and says]
> And if you read my thesis
> carefully (You'd better)
Knowledgius: Oh, yeah? Well, you'd better... you'd better...
[words failed Knowledgius, who now has to rely on growls]...
grrrrrrrooooooowl!
> you would have seen that my definition
> of 'Satan' does not find favor in 'popular religion'.
[Publius smiles an angelic smile, while Ferret Boy scratches his head
at the strange use of tenses in the last phrase]
Ferret Boy: Ehr, Iguana of Redness? Not that I'm not grateful to
you for saving my life and all, but could you explain your use of
tenses in that last phrase? You use "read" and "you'd", so I assume
you are using the present tense of "read" and telling him what to do.
However, then you say "you would have seen", as though you are
rebuking him for not reading it earlier... Do you mean to say...
[Publius turns around and shouts at his companion]
> You know very well what I'm talking about.
Ferret Boy: Ok, ok! [He mutters to himself] I should have known
better than to question him. He is very intolerant when he wins.
He becomes smug and incapable of admitting to a mistake.... Well,
now that I think about it, that's the way he gets when he looses
as well! And when he ties! I guess that's his personality...
I knew I should have accepted Batman's offer and become Robin...
[Publius does not hear this complaint at his way of treating
sidekicks. He is too busy enjoying himself immensely at
the Atheist God's impotence]
Knowledgius: You know, I'm getting tired of you using that
word. I am not impotent! If you don't believe me, go ask
Aphrodite or something! I can swing with the best of them...
It's just that I didn't have a condom with me last time I was
alone with her, and you know, all this talk of AIDS and so on
has me a bit worried: Do you know how many people ->she's<-
slept with in the last millenium?
[Knowledgius adds] A disclaimer on the last one. This does not
imply that I am male. As everybody should know by now,
I am Of No Particular Race, Gender, or Sexual
Orientation(tm). You can also ask Thor about my prowesses.
And, I would have been just as offended had the writer
accused me of being frigid. Is that clear?
[Ok. Publius is too busy enjoying himself, though.]
> PUBLIUS
Knowledigus: You know, Lizard, you should really stop
repeating your assumed name so often. It is begining to be a little annoying.
Ferret Boy: And what are you going to do about it? Har!
Knowledigus: Shut up, Rodent Tyke!
[What will happen next? Will Knowledgius sweat, or will she/he/it enjoy
a nice yogurt and cool dinner? What responses do our heros have
reserved for His/her/It's wickedness? Will the
atheists get better parts in future episodes? Will I stop ending these
chapters with stupid questions? There's only
one way to find out: Tune in to the next exciting installment of this
narrative!]
======================================================================
"It's not denial. I'm just very selective about
what I accept as reality."
--- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes")
======================================================================
Arturo Magidin
magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu
magidin@math.berkeley.edu
Tim: |
What did you do to him anyway, Stryder, hit
him over the head with a monkey wrench, and
then leave him behind, or what?
|
Stryder: It was Dan's idea! Really!
<Insert sound of anti-tank bazooka hitting
former USSR heavy tank here>
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