Red Iguana Noon: Wrath of Knowledgius
Chapter 7: A Miracle In Itself.
From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu
Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 7.
Date: 7 Apr 1994 21:20:39 GMT
Message-ID: <2o1tf7$pkb@agate.berkeley.edu>
[The Atheists have finished eating their Chinese take-out lunch,
and have decided to follow the suggestion of Stacy Prowell,
Arch-atheist, to destroy our Great Hero, Red Iguana Suited Publius,
and use his hide as a rug for Stacy's cat.]
Ferret Boy: Bad Atheists!
[Stop it! I haven't finished the introduction yet!]
Ferret Boy: Oh, sorry.
[Anyway, the atheist have decided that in order to present to
the world a front of respectability, they will go through the
charade of declaring war on the Pube Fort before attacking it.]
Stacy Prowell: Mike, call the I.I.
Mike McAngus: I.I.?
Stacy: Iguana Idiot. Saying his name leaves a bad taste in my
mouth.
[Mike dials the cabalistic number of the Pube Fort, and is connected
to the office of the Ever Loyal Ferret Boy]
Ferret Boy: Hello, thank you for caling the Pube Fort, where the
Living God rules once more, and where we Try To Keep This Christian
Nation Christian. Also, home of the Mighty Mozumderizer Mark II.
This is Ferret Boy. How may I help you?
Stacy: May I talk with The Mighty Red Iguana, please?
Ferret Boy: Who may I say is calling?
Stacy: Arch-Athe... ehr, Arch-Theist Stacy Prowell.
Ferret Boy: [excited] Wow! An Arch-Theist! I'll call him
right away! Would you like the screen, or will audio be just
fine?
[Stacy ponders it for a second and decides he wants to see the look
on the Iguana's face when he declares war]
Stacy: Screen, please.
Ferret Boy: Yes, sir!
[Ferret Boy runs to the Mighty Red Iguana, Defender of Madison,
Publius "No Argument too Circular", who is happy to see his
message is finally getting through to the theists of the
world. He is so happy, that he decides to interrupt his lunch
consisting of a Paradox Sandwich (which as soon as I come up
with something funny to be in it, will be described to the
audience).]
[The Mighty Iguana's face appears on the video screen on the
Isle of Logis]
Ferret Boy: Hello, Arch-Theist! We are happ... [pause] Wait a
second! You aren't the Arch-Theist! You are that Stacy Prowell!
You tried to encheferize the Iguana on the Isle of Logis!
You threatened his Holy Tail with destruction!
Stacy: Yes. My name is Stacy Prowell. I knew your father. Prepare
to die.
Ferret Boy: You knew my father?
Stacy: Well, not really, but I saw 'The Princess Bride' and wanted
to adapt the line.
Stryder: Enough chit-chat, Stacy. Do what you called to do.
[The face of the Mighty Red Iguana twists into a frown as
he listens to the Arch-Atheists pronouncement]
Stacy: [reading the scroll in front of him] "Because of the
offensive remarks made by Publius 'The Red Iguana', heretofore
the Party of the First part, against Stacy Prowell 'Arch-Atheist',
heretofore the Party of the Second Part, and in order to follow
the laws and rules set forth by the...." Who wrote this thing?
Dan Johnson: Why? What's wrong with it?
Stacy: It doesn't quite capture the mood of the situation.
Dan: Well, if you think you can do better, go for it.
Stacy: Ok. Look, you damn lizard. You called me 'stupid', and
that puts you a couple steps closer to meeting your
so-called god. If we had nuclear weapons Stryder would throw them
at you [nods to Stryder, who looks forlorn at the lack of said
weapons], but unfortunately we are going to have to do it
the old fashioned way. A state of war now exists between the
Isle of Logis and the Pube Fort. What have you got to say?
Ferret Boy: [interrupting] Ha! A state of war! With our legions
of pig farmers and creationist idiots, ready at our disposal,
you have no chance!
[Publius however doesn't look quite so sure. He shuts
Ferret Boy up, and says]
In article <2nv3i4$13q9@inca.gate.net>, Publius <publius@inca.gate.net> wrote:
> ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
> Why are you all so upset?
Stacy: Look, lizard. I'm not playing games here. That red suit
of yours is mine!
> This is not my idea!
Ferret Boy: Ehr... right! It was his... his... his DNA! His DNA
told him to do it! You can't really blame him, can you? I mean,
any court in the land would declare him insane on the spot.
You can't hold it against him.
> I was only paraphrasing
> Nietzsche's 'Zarathustra'.
mathew: What? I don't recall Nietzsche ever making the remarks
you made in our last talk. If he had, he wouldn't have any
credibility, just like you.
> Take it up with
> the Nietzsche enthusiasts.
Stacy: So, we are dealing with a coward here? You are big on
talk, Red Iguana. Why don't you face up to the consequences of
your actions?
Ferret Boy: [pleading at Stacy] No, please, don't! It's not my
fault he is crazy! Please, don't destroy the Pube Fort! It's
my only home!
Stacy: I don't believe this was done without your consent.
No one could blindly follow this idiot unless they agreed with
him. [turning to Dan] Dan, what do you think?
> I personally believe
Dan: He was talking to me, you moron!
> - if this 'trend curve'
> continues
Arturo Magidin: .. we'll see a bigger revival of the 70's?
Yes I agree it looks bad. I mean, the 70's weren't exactly
the best of decades. Bellbottoms, disco... But it's no
reason to go praying to a non-existing God!
> - that the "Game of the Gods'
[At the mention of the Game of the Gods, Ferret's Boy face
goes blank. He stumbles toward the kitchen of the Pube
Fort without saying a word.]
> will be terminated long before the potential
> Advent of the 'Superman'.
Arturo: You mean you think you've got Superman fighting
for you? What a laugh! Don't you know he is just a
character in a comic book?
[Ferret Boy comes out of the kitchen, wielding a long
bread knife in his hand. He still has a blank look
on his face, and starts to maneuver to get behind the
Iguana's back.]
> Have fun PUBLIUS
> ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>
[Publius breaks the connection. The last thing the atheists
(hack, hack, coff, coff) see, is the Not So Loyal Now Ferret
Boy preparing to stab our hero in the back!]
Mike: I know you will! What was that knife thing all about?
Stacy: Who knows? I just hope he is still alive when we get
there.
Dan: Why?
Stacy: So I can kill him myself.
All: Oh.
Stacy: Anyway, Mike, Dan, Arturo, mathew, Steve, Tony, pack
up what we'll need. I say we need a few thousand copies of the
FAQ, a copy each of Enderton's 'Mathematical Introduction to
Logic' just in case he has a Geodel Undecidability Generator,
and...
[While Stacy goes through the list of what the Evil Atheist
will need to attempt their unholy attack on the holy
Pube Fort and the Great Iguana of Religiosity (provided he
survives Ferret Boy's stabbing), we go to find Knowledgius,
->Vile<- Atheist God, invisible, observing the progress of his plan.]
[Knowledgius is, in fact, still in our hero's office!
Knowledgius watches with an evil smile
on his face as the subverted Ferret Boy approaches
the Mighty Iguana, the words "Game of the Gods" triggering
the hypnotic instructions he received from Knowledgius.]
Knowledgius: [to itself] Boy, this invisibility stuff is
really cool! I must remember to thank the Invisible Pink
Unicorn for telling me how to do it. And I will, next time
I see her <snicker>.
[Publius still doesn't notice what is going on, and turns
away from his desk towards the weapons room to see
if the Mozumderizer Mark II is in readiness. He leaves the
place where he was standing just as Ferret Boy lunges...
and missed our hero! <cheers from the audience> Instead,
it cuts the Paradox Sandwich in half.]
Knowledgius: [to itself] Damn! It failed this time.
I'm sure there will be other "Game of the Gods" mention
soon, but I'm getting tired of waiting and watching. There
must be something else I can do to Vilify and Destroy My
Enemy!
[Knowledgius disappears, this time for real]
[Ferret Boy 'wakes' to find himself standing over the
Paradox Sandwich, which is now cut in half. He does not
remember anything after the mention of the Game of the
Gods, and then nothing.]
Ferret Boy: [confused] What's going on? What happened?
I remember nothing. O Great Iguana of Redness? Did you
want your Paradox Sandwich cut?
[Meanwhile, The Evil Atheist God Knowledgius Objectivus
has found a likely prospect to help in his plan.]
Knowledgius: [approaching the young man] What's your name?
Young man: Tim Lehnerer.
Knowledgius: Tell me, Tim, would you like to have fun and
do some wanton destruction along the way?
Tim: Sure! Lead the way, sir, er... madam, er... Forgive me
for asking, but are you a 'he' or a 'she'?
Knowledgius: [proudly] I am of No Particular Gener, Race, or Sexual
Orientation(tm). In any case, here's the plan...
[What evil plan is Knowledgius up to? Will Ferret Boy find
out what Knowledgius has done to him? Will the Evil
Atheist Worldwide Conspiracy succeed in destroying our
hero? Will Stacy's cat enjoy the fake lizard-skin rug
Stacy is getting for her? Tune in next time and see,
in Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius!]
======================================================================
"It's not denial. I'm just very selective about
what I accept as reality."
--- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes")
======================================================================
Arturo Magidin
magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu
magidin@math.berkeley.edu
PD: The Paradox Sandwich.
The Paradox Sandwich is a leg of lamb. It's name
was given in two separate instances by the Mighty
Iguana of Life Oriented religions. According to him
it is a Paradox Sandwich because:
- "I Define it to Be a Sandwich, and That's that.
I will not agree to debate on it unless you accept
my premise that it is indeed a Sandwich."
- "A Paradox Sandwich must be a Sandwich, since it is
so named. Hence, it is a Sandwich. It does not look
like a Sandwich, thus producing an apparent Paradox.
So I think I'll call it the Paradox Sandwich".
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