Red Iguana Noon: Wrath of Knowledgius
Chapter 6: The Nature of the Atheist God.
From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu
Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 6.
Date: 5 Apr 1994 06:24:38 GMT
Message-ID: <2nr076$lho@agate.berkeley.edu>
[NOTE: To provide an atmosphere similar to that seen in Stanley
Kubrick's masterpiece 'Dr. Strangelove:Or How I Learned To Stop
Worrying And Love The Bomb', this entire episode was filmed in
black and white. Keep this in mind while reading it.]
[POST-NOTE: All the episode, that is, except for the costume of our
hero, the Red Iguana of Life Oriented Religions, whose costume has
been colorized to a bright crimson, in order to further accentuate
the differences between the colorless, life-less life of the evil
Atheists, and the life of Publius]
[We go into the basement of the Base of Operations of the
Evil Atheists in the Isle of Logis (Home of the Skeptic
Hotline). Sitting around a big round table are all the
important members of the Atheist Conspiracy, discussing their
next moves in their efforts to spread their Religion across
the Universe. The table should remind everyone who has seen
Dr. Strangelove of the famous War Room scenes, and everyone
who hasn't seen Dr. Strangelove should go and rent it.]
Clark Adams: First, the report of recent activities. The Chair
recognizes Dan Johnson.
Dan Johnson: Well, we've known each other for a while now. I sure
would hope you would recognize me!
Clark Adams: I mean, you can speak now.
Dan Johnson: Look, we can get into arguments about the First
Amendment some other time. Right now, let me tell you what
our most recent action regarding that Lizard idiot has been.
Say, Clark, why is that little vein in your temple throbbing?
In any case, we checked out the yellow pages under "Clue-less
Heroes In Funny Costumes", and sure enough there was a Red
Iguana listed. We proceeded to send him a googol copies of
FAQ, together with a prototype of our new pamphlet "What
Atheists Don't Believe In". We included a note asking him
to call us later, so that we can see his reaction and pass it
on to the research fellows.
Clark Adams: Any other comments? Chair moves to move along
to the next topic.
Stryder: Yeah? Well, I move we beat the Hell(tm)
out of you and help you get rid of these delusions of
grandeur!
[Ray Ingles stands up and restrains Stryder, who is trying to
stand up]
Ray: Stop it Stryder! Clark here is a wonderful organizer, and we
need a little organization in these meetings. Remember how
it was when Stacy conducted these meetings? No discussion
whatsoever! And before that, with Angee? Since we disagree in
basically everything except our wish to Spread The Poison That
is Atheism Across the Globe(tm), we need someone to keep control
of these meetings!
Tony Lawrence: I agree. These meetings are the most fun I've
had in ages! I move we fillibuster Clark until he drops from
exhaustion!
<Rinnnnng!>
Clark: Chair moves we answer the phones. Do I have a second?
Stacy: I second.
<Rinnnnng!>
Clark: Good. All those in favor say 'Aye'.
All: AYE!
Clark: Motion carried. Any nominations for Official Answerer?
Mike McAngus: Are we ever going to get anything done around
here? [Stands up and walks up to the phone. Turns around to
face the big table again]
<Rinnnnng!>
Clark: Wait, Mike! We need to follow Parliamentary procedure!
Mike: You know I hate it when we use fancy language to cover up
issues!
mathew: Look, if you want to debate on proper procedure for
these meetings I'll be more than happy to moderate. But just
answer the damn phone now, will you!
<Rinnnnng!>
Mike: [answering the phone] Hello, 'Atheist Base of Operations', this
is Mike speaking. How can I help you? [pause] Oh, just a second.
Everyone will want to hear this. You don't mind if I put you in
the VideoPhone, do you?
[Mike pushes a few buttons and hangs up the phone. He goes back
to his seat while the VideoPhone's bulbs warm up (Atheism goes
a long way back, you know)]
Mike: [speaking to everyone] It's that Iguana
guy. He wants to tell us what he thought of our prototype
pamphlet.
[The screen of the VideoPhone finally comes to life. We see the
Crimson Iguana angrily waving around a bunch of pages in his
hand. Behind him, standing solemnly and with arms crossed,
is his Ever Faithful Ferret Boy.]
Dan: So, Mr. Iguana. What did you think of those papers we sent
you?
In article <2nca8h$1hqn@inca.gate.net>, Publius <publius@inca.gate.net> wrote:
> ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>
> Same old disoriented ramblings - and avoidance of
> the issue:
Dan: [confused] What avoidance? The title says clearly that
it will deal with what atheists don't believe in, and that's
what we do.
Angela Dyer: [interrupting] You see, we are tired of people accusing
atheists of believing in some sort of non-sensical God, so...
[She is interrupted by The Iguana of All that is Life Oriented]
> What is the Nature of the "God" postulated
> by the Atheist Religion?
Ferret Boy: Damn the Atheist Religion!
Angela: No, no! Look, they tell us we have a God, but what
we are attempting to prove in the pamphlet you have in your
hands is that we are too heterogeneous...
[Publius interrupts again]
> Why do you just put out the nauseous stuff about what
> you DON'T believe?
[Angee is starting to fume; Dan pushes her back to her seat.
He motions to mathew, Keeper of the FAQ, who nods and stands
up]
mathew: Well, they keep telling us that atheism is an
organized religion. If it were an organized religion, then
we would have to share common beliefs. Are you with me so far?
So what we are doing is trying to show that it's false, that
we do not share common beliefs. This is a very common proof
method, called proof by Contrapositive. You know, if
a implies b, then not b implies not a.
> Who cares!
Arturo Magidin: Why, for starters mathematicians do! We use that
method very often. [Eyes Publius suspiciously, shielding his eyes
from the crimson glow emanating from the black and white screen]
Anyway, why are you so hostile? Are you some sort of religionist?
> And don't call me a 'religionist'.
Rick Gillespie: "Christian", then?
> Religion is for
> 'beievers'.
Angela: [looking around with a hopeful look in her eyes] Did someone
say beavers?
Dan: [whispering in her ear] I think he meant 'believers'.
Angela: Oh.
> (Atheism is a great religion for certain
> 'minds of a peculiar structure'.
mathew: Look, I thought that was pretty well covered on the FAQ.
Atheism is not a religion under any rational definition of the
word. Can you give me a single example of an atheist dogma?
> Like believing that
> Life is the result of the 'chance interaction of atoms'
Tony: BUZZZZ! WRONG! And I won't even thank you for playing.
That's called 'naturalism', you Lizard-Brain! Any other
insightful "ideas" (and I use the word loosely)?
> Or that the Moth with the coloring and pattern
> of the face of an Owl - including the perfectly
> defined eyes
mathew: Look, this is all covered in the FAQ, a few million
copies of which I believe you receiv...
[He is interrupted by The Iguana of Madison]
> - is the result of Darwinian adaptation
> and survival of the fittest.
Ray: Wouldn't that just be biology, rather than atheism?
I mean, it's just that a moth that looks like an Owl is
more likely to be confused with an owl, and therefore
not be attacked by a raving and lunatic bird.
[Publius chuckles at this response]
> (That makesthat Moth a lot
> smarter and creative than any Atheist I ever met.)
Ferret Boy: [chuckling at his Hero's snappy retort] It
certainly is, O Defender of the 18th Century! I have
never met an Atheist (hack, hack, coff, coff) I liked!
I have yet to meet an Atheist who can Think As He Ought To!
Stacy: I'm beginning to think you might be an idiot, Mr. Iguana.
Look, if you take the time to read through a few books on
comparative anatomy, modern biology, and maybe even a few
explanatory articles on evolution, you might come to realize
that the physiology...
[He is interrupted by the Red Iguana, who is beginning to
foam at the mouth]
> It's the Physiognomy,, stupid!
Stacy: I beg your pardon! No-one calls Stacy Prowell, Arch-Atheist,
stupid and keeps on living!
[Publius seems indifferent to the threat he has just received.
He continues with his explanation]
> Not the Physiology
> where the secret to the Evolutionary Process will be
> discovered.
Michelle: The 'Physiognomy' wouldn't have anything to do with
that, DAMMIT!
> But it won't be discovered by an Atheist.
Andrew Lias: Well, I should hope not! I don't think any
atheist is stupid enough to look for it there to begin
with, you dimwit!
> They are to set in their fanatical beliefs to discover
> anything.
Clark: Chair moves we disconnect this idiot and forget about
his mad ravings. Any seconds?
Geoff Arnold: I second! This is conceivably the most stupid
conversation I have ever been a witness to. Let's disconnect
this stupid Believer in Idiocies and go back to our work.
>
> I said I am not a 'believer'. I am a 'knower'
Geoff: Not from where I'm standing you're not! I have yet
to see a single fact issue from your mouth. Do you know
->anything<-?/
> I know that Life existed before Matter.
Ferret Boy: Har! That will teach you, Evil Atheist Scum!
His DNA told him that! It's in the rulebook of the Game!
[The whole atheistic assembly is struck dumb by this
assertion.]
Ferret Boy: So, the Truth has stopped you in your tracks, has
it?
Stacy: [shaking off his bewilderment] No, it's just that we've never
heard something of such utter stupidity said before. We have no
snappy response to that. Frankly, we never thought anybody was
stupid enough to say it.
Tony: I'll bet you it's just a joke. No one could be that stupid.
I'll bet you he doesn't believe it himself.
> If you don't
> believe me, ask STAR TREK.
Ferret Boy: But not that stupid Android. He never says
anything that Makes Sense!
Clark: [angrily] There is a motion on the table to disconnect
this idiot. Any objections?
All: NO!
Clark: Motion carried unanimously. Mike, disconnect if you
please.
[Mike stands up and goes to the control panel.]
Stacy: [stands up and says] Wait. This dumb ass called me stupid.
I want his hide as a fireplace rug for my cat! What is your
real name, you walking corpse?
[The Red Iguana smiles and answers, very slowly]
> PUBLIUS
> ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>
[Mike disconnects the signal. Everyone breathes a sigh of
relief at having the average level of the conversation jump
several orders of magnitude higher.]
Stacy: I say we go and kill the idiot.
Steve Keppel-Jones: Is that really necessary?
Stacy: He called me 'stupid'! Of course it's necessary!
Clark: With all due respect to the Arch-Atheist, I think
this course of action requires a bit more discussion.
Arturo: I agree. Maybe we should order lunch and think
it over for a while. Let's have Stacy's temper cool a bit
before we take any rash actions. Any objections to pizza?
Michelle: Not pizza again, DAMMIT!
Clark: I can't eat pizza! If I gain those pounds again I might
need two seats at this table and throw our whole arrangement
of people out the window!
Tony: No objections, motioned carried. Pizza it is. Pineapple
and Ham, right?
Arturo: What!? The Anti-Pizza!? Are you MAD?
Angela: Pineapple and Ham sounds great.
Andrew: Definitely. Pineapple and Ham.
Ray: I'm with Arturo on this one. Pepperoni or nothing.
Rick: Pepperoni and bacon, maybe?
Dan: Look, we are not going through this discussion again!
Last time it took us two days and we ended up ordering
Chinese! We'll get sausage and thats that.
Steve: [having quietly made his way over to the phone while this
conversation was taking place] Hello? Domino's? Can you
deliver to the Isle of Logis? Good. We would like to order
30 veggie pizzas...
Geoff: [taking the phone away from him] What do you think
you're doing! [at the phone] Never mind!
Goeff: [hanging up the phone and standing defiantly] Look, either
we get caramelized onions, prosciutto and cheese, with no
tomato sauce, or I say we go for Chinese again. And anybody
tries to get to the phone, he'll have to go through me.
Stacy: All in favor of Chinese say Aye!
All: AYE!
Stacy: Motion carried. Geoff, make the call.
[What will the atheist decide? Will they ever be able to order
pizza together? Will Publius come to regret the day he called
Stacy 'stupid'? Will Knowledgius appear in the next episode?
Will the next episode end without a series of questions?
Tune in next time and see, in Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius!]
======================================================================
"It's not denial. I'm just very selective about
what I accept as reality."
--- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes")
======================================================================
Arturo Magidin
magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu
magidin@math.berkeley.edu
PS: We now return you to your regular color transmissions.
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