Red Iguana Noon: Wrath of Knowledgius
Chapter 3: Not Just a Philosophical Stance.
From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu
Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 3.
Date: 4 Apr 1994 20:24:06 GMT
Message-ID: <2npt16$b7u@agate.berkeley.edu>
[We return to find Knowledgius Objectivus, Vile Atheist God
and All-Around Bad Guy/Gal, and It Who is Really Pissed at the
Mighty Red Iguana, attempting to subvert the will of
the Ever-Loyal Wearer of the Furry Costume, Ferret Boy]
Knowledgius: Here, in the Isle of Logis, there is an animal
that has a most astounding habit of entering one's ears,
and burrowing on the brain of the host. The result is to
make the host very suceptible to suggestion. I shall make
use of them to subvert your will, Rodent Tyke.
Ferret Boy: Never! And besides, I think those animals are a
little too big to fit in my ear, don't you?
[Knowledgius looks at the two horses behind him, and looks
startled]
Knowledgius: Damn! It's Angela Dyer's friends! Oh well, no time
to look for the little animals. I'll have to use other methods
of suggestion. How about your loyalty for a subscription to
'Penthouse'?
Ferret Boy: [thinking it over for a few seconds] Including the
'Forum' iss... No! Never, you Foul Perverter of Society!
I will not be tempted by the likes of you!
Knowledgius: I knew it was too easy. Well, I guess I shall
have to use the Force then.
Ferret Boy: The Force?
Knowledgius: Yes, someone versed in the ways of the Force
can have a great influence on weak minds.
Ferret Boy: [smiling smugly] Then it will be to no avail!
Knowledgius: Oh, I'm sure it will work.
Ferret Boy: [blankly in a monotone] Oh, I'm sure it will work.
Knowledgius: Yes, quite. OK, Rodent Tyke. Here are your
instructions.
[Knowledgius pauses to collect his thoughts. He/she/it notices
that the two horses have wandered to off to look for
Angee's loving attention. They have been replaced
by two persons who are standing very quiet looking over
Knowledgius' shoulder]
[Knowledgius is startled and backs off, remembering the
last time he faced some of its own Atheist Minions, and
the resulting trip to the Half Way House in Never-Never
Land]
Ferret Boy: Help me! I'm being held captive by
a Vile God!
Mark Patterson: Oh, sorry. We're just lurkers. We try not
to interfere.
Lloyd: Right!
[Knowledgius looks more relaxed, and goes back to his
Force ministrations on the Ever Loyal Sidekick]
[To preserve the sense of mystery and suspense, the actual
instructions will not be heard right now. Rather, you will
hear choice phrases designed to keep you on the lookout
for possible actions by the subverted Ferret Boy]
Knowledgius: ... Remember nothing... 'Game of the Gods'...
Knife in the back... copy of 'Debbie Does Dallas' by return
of mail...
[Ferret Boy nods blankly as he receives the instructions.
Knowledgius snaps its Godly fingers twice, and Ferret
Boy comes to, remembering nothing of what has happened.]
Ferret Boy: [shouting defiantly] I told you it wouldn't work!
The followers of the Mighty Red Iguana, He Who Has A Tattoo
of James Madison, cannot be easily subverted.
Knowledgius: Darn! I guess I'll have to look for those
little animals then... Be right back!
[Knowledgius leaves the clearing. Meanwhile Ferret Boy
strugles to escape the confines of the Blue Thought Field
in which he is imprisoned. He suddenly remembers, together
with the writer, his pocket Anti-Nomologizer which was depicted
in Chapter 2 but promptly forgotten by all. He takes it
out of his pocket, and aims it at the Blue energies
surrounding him.]
<*BOOOM*>
[As the ray of pure Anti-thought coming out of the Anti-Nomologizer
collides with the Blue Thought Field, they evaporate in a
puff of mutual annihilation, leaving our Now Unknowingly
Subverted Sidekick free to escape.]
[Ferret Boy runs quickly back to the Pubesmobile, which
was indeed not nearly as damaged as the palm tree with
which it collided, and takes off escaping from the
Isle of Logis and heading back to the security of the
Pube Fort]
[Meanwhile, Knowledgius smiles at seeing his/her/its plan
in motion. He/she/it takes the PubeCommunicator confiscated
from Ferret Boy, and decides to bother the Mighty Red
Iguana to pass the time]
[The face of the Wearer of The Mighty Red Iguana Suit
appears in the screen of the PubeCommunicator. At present,
he is not wearing the Red Iguana Suit, but seems to be
wearing a leotard with the words "Flying Dutchman"
written on the chest]
Knowledgius: So, Red Lizard. Are you ready to be forced
to think? Are you ready to face me? Or would you rather
swing from a trapeze for a while?
[Publius keeps calm, not wanting to give the Vile Atheist
God the satisfaction of making him loose his
lizard-like cool]
Knowledgius: No one can stop me now! Even though your
little sidekick escaped my grasp, you will be forced
to submit! You will have no choice but to admit the
undeniable truth, that Atheism is nothing
but a Philosophical Stance!"
In article <2mo544$ps6@inca.gate.net>, Publius <publius@inca.gate.net> wrote:
>
> Atheism is JUST A PHILOSOPHICAL STANCE?!
[Knowledgius smiles wickedly at his/her/its successful efforts
to make Publius loose his temper]
> Not according to
> responses to 'Publius'.
Knowledgius: [looking worriedly at the Iguana] You know, you really
should talk to somebody about that third person thing. Even
I, a God, do not fall into it that often. [The wicked smile
regains its proper place in the Atheist God Frightful Visage
(patent pending)] So, what have you learned about Atheism?
> All it is, is a "We don't believe in God"
Knowledgius: [looking confused] What? You know that? I guess my work
here is done then. Darn! What about my revenge?
> stonewalling stance.
Knowledgius: Thanks Me! I thought for a second that you actually
had learned something. My Revenge can still take place!
[Meanwhile, Ferret Boy is on the Ocean of Internet, speeding back
to Pube Fort. He decides he should inform the Mighty Red Iguana
about his lucky escape and the Return of Knowledgius, so he
takes out the PubeTyper, an incredible machine that will transmit
the words he types to the Pube Fort to be read by the Iguana of
Redness, Defender of the Faith]
Ferret Boy: [typing]
O Great Red Iguana:
How are you? I hope you are fine. In any case I am writting to
let you know that your DNA was right. Knowledgius has indeed
returned to the world and is attempting to cause your
downfall. I have managed to escape his^H^H^H
[Stops typing]
Ferret Boy: Darn! The backspace doesn't work.
[Resumes typing]
her, whatever, vile claws, but you should
be carefull. He/she/it has some philosophical sophistic plan to try
to get to you...
[Publius looks up and notices the message flashing across the
screen of his ClassicPubeMac. He reads it and nods with
satisfaction. He presses the 'Hold' button on the PubeCommunicator,
and the sounds of Gregorian Chants issue forth to keep the
caller on the other line busy trying to get away from the
sound while the Red Iguana is elsewhere occupied,
and types back to his loyal sidekick]
> Give me just one philosophical statement
> and I'll have an easy time proving that Atheism is a Religion
Ferret Boy: Hum? What? What will that do? Of course it's a
Religion! Isn't Knowledgius Objectivus the Atheist God? If it
has a God it has to be a religion.
[Types back to Publius]
Well, it has a God, but from the Actions of Arch-Atheist
Stacy Prowell and Dan 'Storming' Johnson, it would appear
they do not believe in him. Could you remind me of what
Antheists
[stops typing]
Ferret Boy: Oh, Darn! A typo! And the backspace of the
PubeTyper doesn't work. Oh well, I'll just keep going and
hope he knows what I mean.
[continues typing]
do believe in, O Great Iguana of Religiosity?
> - any fool knows that once we know what Atheists believe, the
> Antheists 'irreligion' is a synonym of the Theists 'religion'.
Ferret Boy: Oh, no! He picked up the typo himself!
I guess I better sign off and try to deny it later.
[Types]
Well, in any case, I hope you are OK and say hello to your mother
for me. Ever-Faithfully, Ferret Boy.
[Publius stops typing and answers Knowledgius, who is getting
frustrated at being put on hold in the PubeCommunicator,
since he isn't overly fond of Gregorian Chants]
> Do you approve of my changing 'Atheist' to 'Antheist'.
Knowledgius: Oh, what? Sorry, I was trying to count how many
grains of sand are in the beach here. Anyway, was that
a question? Could you repeat it please?
> I
> think I'll use it from now on. I just got a communique from
> God suggesting the change.
Knowledgius: Use what from now on? You do realize I was on
hold, don't you? And I don't recall sending any communiques
your way...
> You should feel honored to be the
> first Antheist to be so characterized.
Knowledgius: The first what? What are you talking about?
As to being characterized, I thought that was clear:
I am Of No Particular Gender, Race, or Sexual Orientation(tm),
and I am the Vile Atheist God! You bore me, Publius.
Knowledgius out!
> As always PUBLIUS
[Knowledgius gives out a snort and switches off the PubeCommunicator]
[What will happen? What eeeeeevil instructions has Knowledgius
implanted in the unsuspecting mind of the Now-Not-So-Loyal
Ferret Boy? Will Publius continue to think the messages
on the PubeWriter come from God rather than his companion?
Will he keep the typo, or realize his mistake and switch to
conventional spelling? Don't miss the next episode of
"Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius", where some
of the answers might, just might, be revealed.]
[Then again, this early in the series, its likely more mysteries
will appear than be solved in the next episode. But tune in
anyway!]
======================================================================
"It's not denial. I'm just very selective about
what I accept as reality."
--- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes")
======================================================================
Arturo Magidin
magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu
magidin@math.berkeley.edu
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