Red Iguana Noon: Wrath of Knowledgius
Chapter 2: The 'Flying Dutchman'.
From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu
Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 2.
Date: 4 Apr 1994 20:18:07 GMT
Message-ID: <2npslv$b45@agate.berkeley.edu>
[Last episode we saw the reappearance of that Sick Twisted
Individual, He/She/It (?) Of No Particular Gender, Race or
Sexual Orientation, the... uhm... oh yes! Vile Atheist God
Knowledgius Objectivus, back from Never-Never Land and
in the Isle of Logis. We also saw our hero, He Who Would
Like to Live in the 18 Century and Yet Believes in Star Trek,
Publius, the Might Red Iguana, send his loyal Ever Faithful
sidekick, Rode... ehr, Ferret Boy to investigate the
strange happenings at the Pube Fort.]
[Although Ferret Boy doubts it, our Hero knows that Knowledgius,
whom we thought defeated, is behind the recent troubles at
the Pube Fort, having received an unmistakeable message from
his DNA telling him so. Ferret Boy is on his way to investigate
this at the Isle of Logis.]
[We join our hero's sidekick on board the Pubesmobile,
currently traveling over the ocean. With him are two Nameless
Red Shirts(tm), security officers from the Pube Fort for protection
of our hero's Ever-Loyal friend]
Ferret Boy: I think we are getting close to Isle of Logis.
This map that our Fearless Leader, the Defender of Madison,
Bane of Atheist, Publius the Red Iguana, gave us clearly
shows that the Isle of Logis is... [looks closer at the map
in his hand] ..."wherever I define it to be"! Which means
it must be really c...
<clonk>
Ferret boy: ...lose. Looks like we're here. Don't worry, I'm
sure the Pubesmobile isn't nearly as damaged as that palm tree.
OK, let's go investigate!
[The two Nameless Red Shirts jump off the boat, without any
consideration of what usually happens to Nameless Red Shirts
when you go exploring. Ferret Boy follows closely behind,
his Pocket Anti-Nomologizer ready in his hand, looking hither
and ... the other way too]
Ferret Boy: Wait! I think I hear something!
[On the distance, the voice of Dan Johnson can be heard}
Distanct voice of Dan Johnson: Well, Stacy isn't usually wrong. If Stacy says
someone was quoting Anselm, then someone was quoting
Anselm! And I'll listen to no more complaints, or
you can just forget your bit part in the Storming the
Pearly Gates Saga!
Ferret Boy: Quickly, Hide! It's those damn Autonomous Men
(hack, hack, coff, coff)!
[Ferret Boy and Nameless Red Shirt #1 promtply hide behind
some bushes. Nameless Red Shirt #2 attempts to hide by standing
very still and pretending to be a bush]
Dan: [getting closer] Well, this is the spot. Let's look around and
see if we can find anything. Careful with that Nameless Red Shirt,
Angee... What! Wait a second!
Angela Dyer: [takes out her copy of the FAQ and waves it
menacingly at the Red Shirt] Who are you? What are you doing here?
Have you hurt any animals lately, you scumbucket?
Dan: Easy, Angee. Ok, What's your name, boy.
Nameless Redshirt #2: Nameless Redshirt #2.
Dan: Trying to get cute, huh? Well, you'd better come with
us then! We'll teach you how to think right! Har, har!
[Brandishing copies of the FAQ at Nameless Redshirt #2,
the band of lurkers coming up behind Dan and Angela herd
him back to their Base of Operations]
Ferret Boy: I told Publius to send somebody with a
Blue Shirt! Oh well, I guess I better report in.
[Ferret Boy takes out of the hidden pocket of his suit
a PubeCommunicator (patent pending). The little screen
flashes to life, and the image of the Mighty Red Iguana
of Life-Oriented Religions appears on the Screen.]
Ferret Boy: We have lost one member of the team. Repeat,
we have lost one member of the team. Ferret Boy out!
Ferret Boy: I guess we better get on exploring. If Knowledgius
is anywhere around, we'll find him!
[Voiceover]: The 1994 edition of 'Let's Go:Isle of Logis' says that
the Isle of Logis is a very small island, lying near the Straights
of Alt in the Seas of Internet. It adds that nothing of interest
can be found in the Isle of Logis, except for the nice beach
and the Atheistic Base of Operations and Skeptic Hotline.
It also says that the island can be totally explored in about
15 minutes, but only if you do not go around in circles.
[Three hours later, Ferret Boy reappears with Nameless Redshirt
#1 in the same spot, for the n-th time]
Ferret Boy: Boy, this is really
a Big Island, isn't it?
[Waiting, sitting on a stone, is a figure clad in blue,
of No Particular Gender, Race, or Sexual Orientation.
Yes! It's the arch-fiend, Knowledgius Objectivus...]
[Knowledgius looks up]
[->Vile<- Atheist God]
[Knowledgius looks satisfied and returns his/her/its attention
to the sweaty Ferret Boy]
Knowledgius: Halt!
[Blue flashes of light issue forth from
his finger; a circle of pure blue Logical Thought now surrounds
our heroes, preventing their escape. Knowledgius slowly approaches the two men; looks closely
at Nameless Redshirt #1]
Knowledgius: You, I don't know.
[Now looks closely at Ferret Boy, who is squirming uncomfortably,
trying to avoid the rays of Logical Thought that surround him]
Knowledgius: You, I know. I never forget a face. How are you, John?
Ferret Boy: It's FERRET BOY, you Vile Atheist God!
Knowledgius: Well, I never forget a face... Unfortunately
I'm not very good remembering names, Rodent Tyke. How fares
the "mighty" Red Iguana?
Ferret Boy: As if you don't know, you, you ... [synonyms
fail him] ... Vile Atheist God! You dropped a roof on his
followers!
Knowledgius: Who, me? You are surely mistaken. [Turns to the Nameless
Redshirt] Has Rodent Tyke ever told you the story of how
the mighty Red Iguana traitorously defeated Knowledgius
Objectivus?
Nameless Redshirt #1: No, he hasn't.
Knowledgius: Well, my boy! Let me tell you...
[Knowledgius launches off explaining his previous escapades.
Meanwhile, Ferret Boy takes the PubeCommunicator and switches
it on]
Ferret Boy: [whispering into the PubeCommunicator]
Red Iguana! Help! I'm being held prisoner by
Knowledgius! Help!
Knowledgius: [Still speaking to Red Shirt] And then this ... Homo Sapiens, name
of Dan, shouts something and throws a FAQ at me! Says
I'm not real! Can you believe this!
In article <2nftl2$ine@inca.gate.net>, Publius <publius@inca.gate.net> wrote:
>
> ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
> I myself wonder if I'm 'real'.
Ferret Boy: [Still whispering into the PubeCommunicator] Publius!
What are you doing? First, Knowledgius will realize you
are listening. Second, I thought that visit to the therapist
cured you of that "I'm not real" stuff...
Knowledgius: What are you saying, Rodent Tyke? What's that
you are holding?
Ferret Boy: Huh, nothing... Really....
[Knowledgius takes the PubeCommunicator from Ferret Boy]
Knowledgius: Aha, a PubeCommunicator! [Looks at the little screen]
Well, Lizard, what have you got to say for yourself?
You thought I was defeated, did you not?
> More and more I'm
> beginning to think I'm the 'Flying Dutchman'
Ferret Boy: Oh, God! I hope he doesn't try that trapeze
act again! Last time he broke a leg and destroyed his Iguana
Costume.
> conmdemned to eternally sail the Seas of Internet,
Knowledgius: Oh, so you are close by, are you?
> never 'making port'
Ferret Boy: [to Knowledgius] You know how it is. With the
deficit so high the Goverment is now charging exorbitant
fees to dock anywhere, and since our funds are not...
Knowledgius: Silence, Little Rodent! [To the screen]
Well, I'm back, and I'm here to stay! And I'll make
you pay for what you did to me.
> - as punishment for uttering
> the unforgivable heresy
Knowledgius: You? Punish Me? Har! You caught me
distracted last time, but it won't happen again.
What will you be doing until we meet? Quaking in your
boots?
> - asserting that Atheism
> is a Religion whose 'God' is
Knowledgius: Me! Knowledgius Objectivus, Vile Atheist
God!
> the composite of the
> workings of the Laws of Physics and Chemistry.
>
Knowledgius: [blushes] Well, that's what my mom used to call me...
> PUBLIUS
> ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
[The PubeCommunicator's screen goes blank]
Knowledgius: Publius! Publius! Where are you? Didn't you hear me
just a second ago? [Shouts at the PubeComm] I'm BACK! I'm here
to DESTROY YOU!
Ferret Boy: You won't be able to get his attention. When he
is in that 'Flying Dutchman' mood the only thing he cares
about are safety nets...
[Meanwhile, Nameless Red Shirt #1, trying to get
Ferret Boy in between him and Knowledgius, attempts to leave
the Circle Of Logical Thought that surrounds him...]
<*poof*>
[... and disappears in a flash of light, thus fulfilling his destiny
as a Nameless Red Shirt]
Knowledgius: Well, that's what happens when anti-thought collides
with thought. In any case, my plans didn't contemplate him.
Ferret Boy: [squirming and looking very frightened] Your p-p-p-p-plans?
Knowledgius: Yes. Since your Red Iguana used my followers to destroy
me, I'll use you to destroy him... [An ear-to-ear smile now decorates
Knowledgius face]
[What is Knowledgius' plan? What will he/she/it do to Ever-Faithful
Ferret Boy? Will Publius attempt a Triple Jump or be content
with swinging on a trapeze? Will these episodes get shorter
and get to the posts quicker? Tune in for the next episode
of Red Iguana Noon:The Wrath of Knowledgius, and find out!]
======================================================================
"It's not denial. I'm just very selective about
what I accept as reality."
--- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes")
======================================================================
Arturo Magidin
magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu
magidin@math.berkeley.edu
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