Red Iguana Noon: Wrath of Knowledgius
Chapter 13: Garbage In = Garbage Out.
From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu
Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 13
Date: 5 May 1994 22:04:57 GMT
Message-ID: <2qbqi9$3of@agate.berkeley.edu>
[A few episodes ago, the loyal Ferret Boy, Companion to The Hero
Of The Sqrt(144) IQ, The Mighty Red Iguana, left the comfort and
partial security of the Pube Fort to attempt a parlay with the
WACSDAAG forces surrounding the Pube Fort. Besides, he wanted to
see if Angela Dyer's professed love of animals extended to Sidekicks
dressed as animals]
[We return in time a few minutes to see what happened with that
discussion...]
<sounds of tape rewinding>
[Ferret Boy exists the Pube Fort, and sees in the distance
Angela Dyer carrying a white flag, flanked by Dan Johnson,
Stryder, and lumbering behind them a red tank with a star
and sickle painted on its side. Sitting on top of the tank
is Clark Adams taking the minutes of the meeting.]
Angee: Stryder, couldn't you find anything else? You
->know<- I'm a Republican! I don't aprove of these communists
overtones.
Stryder: Yes, Angee, I know. But how are we going to convince
people that the Atheist Conspiracy is no threat unless we make
them believe we are all communists? Besides, the "Going out of
Bussiness" sale the Red Army had was just too good to pass up,
and you know it!
Angee: I guess...
[They approach Ferret Boy, who is waiting next to the entrance to
the Pube Fort, which he has carefully locked.]
Ferret Boy: Where is the Arch-Atheist?
[Stryder looks uncomfortable and shuffles a little.]
Dan Johnson: Stacy is... undisposed at the moment. Angela
Dyer here will conduct the negotiations for the Atheist
forces. [Motions to Angee]
Angee: Right. Let's see how things are. We have you surrounded...
Ferret Boy: But we are Strong in the Faith of Life Oriented Religions!
Angee: Ehr, right. We have greater firepower...
Ferret Boy: But we can debate circles around you!
Stryder: Circles is what your arguments do, Rodent!
Angee: Settle down, Stryder. We should pity those of lower
intelligence than ourselves, you know.
Ferret Boy: Ha! The Mighty Red Iguana has a better IQ
than all of you combined!
Dan: Has the Red Lizard explained to you that 0 is low and 200 is
high in the IQ scale?
Ferret Boy: [looking confused; mumbles] But he told me that the
Q in IQ stood for quotient, and that what you did is calculate
how intelligent you are, and divide one by it, and that's how
you get your IQ! So he said the fact that he had .01 was great!
Angee: As I was saying, we have the better firepower,
the more forces, the better strategic position, and
our great Iguana is nowhere to be seen. I say that in
order to prevent bloodshed you should both surrender
yourselves. I promise in return to prevent Stacy from
skinning your little friend alive.
Ferret Boy: [looks around and realizes the situation the
Pube Fort is in] Could I keep a collection of Penth... I
mean, a collection of literary magazines for my reading
pleasure?
Dan: Rodent, you can keep your dirty magazines and tapes
for all we care. After all, we are trying to ->pollute<-
society, not save it.
Ferret Boy: Oh, what should I do? I wish Publius would
answer my questions!
[Ferret Boy looks undecided for a few seconds. In the
back of his mind, he hears the words of the Leading
Defender of Madison]
In article <2p9748$qen@inca.gate.net>,
Publius <publius@inca.gate.net> wrote:
>
> As I said, a lot of words don't compute.
Ferret Boy: [smiles wistfully] Yes, the Great Eater
of Paradox Sandwiches never did make sense trying
to answer questions...
Angee: Well, Mr. Ferret? We're waiting.
[Ferret Boy has been called back from the brink of
disaster and treason by the words of the Red Iguana.]
Ferret Boy: Never! I will never turn to the Atheist
Cause!
Angee: So be it, Ferret Boy. [She almost spits out
the last word, and motions to Stryder]
Clark: Sorry Angee, could you repeat that last word?
I couldn't listen to it carefully so I was unable to
write it down for the minutes of the conference.
Angee: Sure. [She spits the word out again] "Boy".
[Stryder climbs into the Red Tank and starts the motor.
Ferret Boy stands in front of the tank defiantly]
Ferret Boy: I will defend the Pube Fort to the last
drop of my blood if necessary! [He lies down in front
of the tank to prevent it from rolling over the
gates of the Pube Fort]
Clark: [from the top of the tank] Look, Ferret Boy,
there really isn't any point in fussing about it now!
You should have stopped your little Iguana Friend from
verbally attacking Stacy way back when.
Ferret Boy: Well, the Arch-Atheist deserved it!
Angee: [approaches Ferret Boy and says softly] Listen,
Ferret Boy. Do yo have any idea how much harm would
come to that tank if I ordered it to roll over you?
Ferret Boy: No, how much?
Angee: None whatsoever.
Ferret Boy: Oh. [He stands up and gets out of the way
of the tank]
Clark: I knew you would listen to reason.
Ferret Boy: My computer simulation didn't predict this!
[Ferret Boy once again hears the voice of his Teacher,
Poster of No Reply Publius, in the back of his mind]
> That
> is because your computers are forced to
> operate in the 'garbage in = garbage out' format.
> PUBLIUS
Ferret Boy: But I only feed into it what you are always
telling me!
[What will happen next? Will the tank roll over the gates
of the Pube Fort? Will Publius escape confinement at the
hands of the Evil Atheist God Knowledgius Objectivus in
time to rescue his Loyal Sidekick? Will Tim make another
appearance soon? Will he get an opportunity to call
the Mighty Red Iguana "Mr. Chuckletrousers"? Find some
of the answers to some of these questions, in the next
exciting episode of "Red Iguana Noon:The Wrath of Knowledgius",
coming to a newsite near you, sometime.]
======================================================================
"It's not denial. I'm just very selective about
what I accept as reality."
--- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes")
======================================================================
Arturo Magidin
magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu
magidin@math.berkeley.edu
Stacy Prowell: <Ahum> Well, that was an interesting dream...
Where am I? And what is this bump on the back of my head?
[...pause...] STRYDER!!!
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