1. A young nun was told by the Abbot: "Consider the goat and the rabbit. While they roll in the hay You just stay home and pray. You've got to get out of that habit." (7/81) ----------------------------------------------- 2. The sadists of \alpha Centauri Have a pleasure exceedingly gory. It involves a time slip And a neuronic whip -- Not your typical Asimov story. -------------------------------------------- 3. Two bright boffins named Watson and Crick Puzzled out what makes DNA tick. It's just like spiral stairs With the bases in pairs: How on earth did God think of that trick? (7/81) --------------------------------------------- 4. Said a young man named A. Grothendieck: "At geometry I'm rather weak. I'm no Altschiller-Court It's just not my {\it forte}, So I'd best make it more {\it algebrique}." (1965?) ---------------------------------------------- 5. A dissolute Fellow of Caius Contracted a social disaius. Now, from St. John's to Cholmondeley He twinges and glolmondeley Turns purple whenever he paius. ---------------------------------------------- 6. X^n + Y^n = Z^n A challenge for many long ages Had baffled the savants and sages But at last came the light: Seems old Fermat was right-- To the margin add 200 pages. (10/93) ---------------------------------------------- 7. An Irishman known as Molloy Said, ``Everyone thinks I'm a goy. But in fact it's not true, For I'm really a Jew-- And what's more I'm a girl, not a boy. ---------------------------------------------- 8. A poet named Sylvia Plath Lived her life in a jar made of glath. She's not perfect, it seems; Her dead Dad haunts her dreams-- And her exit is really a gath. ---------------------------------------------- 9. Berkeley (Academical) Our Department they say is the best -- We pass every A.C.E. test. There ain't none of us lazy, We publish like crazy-- So how come I'm getting depressed? (5/84) ------------------------------------------------- 10. "It's Hereditary, See?" Bipolar affective disorder Is an excuse that just won't hold water. And as your moods swing, Though you sob or you sing, You must curse your great-grandfather's daughter. (4/98) ------------------------------------------------- 11. In the darkness of deepest Khartoum Lives a carpetmaker in his room. His designs are quite fey (I suspect the man's gay)-- People call him the fruit of the loom. (4/98) ------------------------------------------------- 12. You're a gnarled and sardonic old man. Yes, this too is a part of God's plan. And if you think that you know Where you're going to go-- You can wipe that smirk right off your pan. (4/98) ------------------------------------------------- 13. A philosopher named Samuel Schnott Thought he'd proved there exists Lieber Gott: For such was Schnott's girth He'd the shape of the Earth. Coincidence? Most surely not. (4/98) ------------------------------------------------- 14. *F* *** & UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU ck!! -- John Cage (1993) ------------------------------------------------- 15. In Moskva, the parliament -- Duma-- Was swept by a very strange ruma: All the money that's gone In this slightly pink dawn Is hidden in Lenin's old tomb-a. (4/98) ------------------------------------------------- 16. There once was a woman so avid, To make love was always her habid. Though her husband's a goon She likes so much to spoon: Perhaps that's the reason she's gravid. (4/98) ------------------------------------------------- 17. A man with a face like a ferret Has only this redeeming merit: Though his teeth are quite pointed And his eyes are disjointed, His skull is as thick as a turret. (4/98) ------------------------------------------------- 18. A crusty curmudgeon called Mort Emitted an insolent snort. And he said, in a flash, ``You belong in the trash! Too bad your mom didn't abort." (4/98) ------------------------------------------------- 19. A judge known as Sandra O'Connor, A woman of learning and honor, Once roused Warren Burger To such passionate turgor That Justice descended upon her. (1980's) ------------------------------------------------- 20. The world's shortest limerick: There once was a fellow named Chuck-- But I need say no more. (4/98) ------------------------------------------------- 21. Said an orthodox Hebrew named Rafe, ``I think that this restaurant's unsafe. The plates are so greasy That I'm feeling queasy And half of the menu is traif." (9/98) ------------------------------------------------- 22. A desperate fellow named Fitt Went into the gent's room to sit. But his squirms in the stall produced nothing at all -- Except for this fragment of wit. (10/98) ------------------------------------------------- 23. (Background: John von Neumann tried to discourage Alfred Haar from seeking "Haar measure" on the grounds that no such thing could possibly exist.) Said a mathematician named Haar, "Von Neumann can't see very far. He missed a great treasure -- They call it Haar measure -- Poor Johnny's just not up to par." (5/99) ------------------------------------------------- 24. That master of math, Leonhard Euler, Fell into a steaming hot boiler. But he didn't panic -- It's hydrodynamic -- The curl of div saved the great toiler. (5/99) ------------------------------------------------- 25. The NAME in Vain Said that Being that we know as Yahweh, "I've great but not infinite po-weh. But (I speak not in jest) This world's only a test -- And the final's in less than an hou-weh." (5/99) ------------------------------------------------- 26. A Rabbi, so pious and plain, Found Kashrut was sometimes a strain. So away he would steal For a big Chinese meal: "Well, `tis just for the veggie chow mein." (5/99) ------------------------------------------------- 27. Said Dodgson, "Farewell, Alice Liddell. Through logic I'll solve my life's riddle. Stay pure and unharried And never get married: The law of the excluded middle." (7/84) ------------------------------------------------- 28. There was a smart fellow named Gauss Whose wife threw him out of the house. "Damn, you only do math, You will not take a bath, And I don't want to see you, you louse!" (5/00) -------------------------------------------------