From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 8 Date: 10 Apr 1994 07:19:31 GMT Message-ID: <2o89a3$h2i@agate.berkeley.edu> [When last we saw the Enemy of our Hero, Knowledgius Objectivus, Vile Atheist God, was recruiting into its/her/his Unholy Fold a sweet, innocent bystander by the name of Tim Lehnerer. We return to find Knowledgius explaining her/its/his plan to Tim.] [Knowledgius] What you should do is disguise yourself as a Nameless Red Shirt, and then gain entrance into the Pube Fort, so we can get him from within. [Tim] Sounds good. I've always wanted to be a Nameless Red Shirt. By the way, can you tell me who (or what) you are? [Knowledgius] Nice margins! Oh, to answer your question, I am no other than ... [dramatic pause] ... Knowledgius Objectivus, ->Vile<- Atheist God, and It of No Particular Gender, Race, Or Sexual Orientation(tm). [Tim] That's strange. You see, I'm an atheist but I have never heard of anything like an Atheist God. It seems to me that the word 'atheism' implies that there is no belief in God. Am I wrong? [Knowledgius, admiring the even margins] Boy, you are good! Well, that's what makes you so perfect. The fact that you don't know there is an Atheist God means that you have never talked to the Red Iguana. Thus, he cannot know you are one of my minions trying to destroy him! Besides, I don't trust that Stacy Prowell, or Dan Johnson for that matter. Not after our last encounter, and not after they kept hanging up on my psychic link. [Tim] So, where can I get a Namless Red Shirt uniform for my undercover work? [Knowledgius snaps her/his/its fingers and a Nameless Red Shirt uniform appears in front of the amazed Tim, whom we now know is an atheist and therefore the narrator retracts his statement that he was sweet and innocent.] [Tim puts on the Red uniform gleefully] [Tim] So, which way to the Pube Fort? [Knowledgius] Allow me. [He points her/his/its left index finger at Tim, and then snaps his right fingers. In a flash of light, Tim disappears and reappears in an office. An office we have seen before. The office of...] [Another dramatic pause] [... The Not-Quite-Loyal Ferret Boy!] [Ferret Boy, startled] Huh?! Who are you? What are you doing here? [Tim] I am the new Nameless Red Shirt security agent hired by the Mighty Red Iguana, He Who Hears His DNA Talking to Him, And He Who Wears the Mighty Red Iguana Suit, He Who Eats the Paradox Sandwich, so that I may protect the Pube Fort from attack. [Ferret Boy is distracted by the even margins of Tim's speech] [Tim] Hello? Mr. Ferret? Aren't you goint to present me to your Fearless Leader The Mighty Red Iguana? [Ferret Boy] huh? Oh, our Fearless Leader! Of course! Come this way, please, Mr. Red Shirt. [Ferret Boy leads Tim, who is mentally making a note of everything he sees in the Pube Fort, to the office of The Red Iguana, "Son of Gods" Publius.] [Ferret Boy] O Great Iguana of Life Oriented Religions! This is Nameless Red Shirt #3 who comes to protect your holy person from the dangerous athe... [The Red Iguana scowls at Ferret Boy] [Ferret Boy] Ehr, from the ->insignificant<- threat posed by the Atheist Conspirators who have threatened to skin you alive so that a cat may rest comfortably in front of the fire. Red Iguana, Nameless Red Shirt. Nameless Red Shirt, the Red Iguana. [Tim] Could you call me Tim instead of Nameless Red Shirt? I know it is the official title of the job, but it's such a mouthfull. [Ferret Boy eyes Tim suspiciously and asks] Don't you see a problem with calling a Nameless Red Shirt by his name? [Tim] No, not really. Why? [A Slow, Sly Iguana smile spreads slowly on the faces of Publius and Ferret Boy, making the latter look rather ridiculuos] [Ferret Boy] Well, you passed the test. You are hired. You know what you have to do? [Tim] Well, not really. I know I am supposed to help protect the Pube Fort from an attack by the Atheist (hack, hack, coff) but why are they attacking? In article <2ncg4f$sgh@inca.gate.net>, Publius wrote: > > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > According to the Atheists [Ferret Boy] You aren't going to tell him *their* side of the story first, are you, Mighty Iguana? We want him on *our* side! Here, let me. [Publius shrugs and signals his 'Faithfull' Companion to proceed] You see, the Atheist (hack, hack, coff, coff), who are members of the Worlwide Atheist Conspiracy To Spread the Disease of Atheism Acros the Globe, or WACSDAAG as we like to call them here in the Pube Fort, are trying to attack the Mighty Publius because he tricked them into destroying their own God, Knowledgius Objectivus. [Tim] But, Knowledgius isn't destroyed! [Ferret Boy missed the important clue and continues] Well, I never said the members of WACSDAAG were very consistent of logical. > - and they themselves are > proof this is so [Ferret Boy, brightly] Exactly! [To Tim] And do you know, Tim, what Heathen Lies they are spreading? [Tim] No. Let me guess. "There is no God" is probably one of them. [Ferret Boy] Yes! How did you know that? [Tim] Well, it's rather obvious, isn't it? After all, that is what 'Atheism' is supposed to mean. You two know it is not so, right? [A few splashes of sarcasm drop from Tim's words into the carpet, leaving a nasty stain. The Red Iguana does not notice] [Ferret Boy] Exactly! We know that they have a God, Knowledgius! Who, by the way, is also trying to destroy our Hero Publius for Some Reason Only He Can Fathom. [Tim] So, any other great insights into the beliefs of the Atheists from WACSDAAG you can share with me? [A big drop of sarcasm drops from the words 'great' and 'insight' but again our hero does not notice.] > - Man, 'Homo Sapiens' is just a > fancy computer, produced (as they say) by the random > interaction of lifeless atoms. [The Mighty Iguana laughs at the sillyness of the belief of the WACSDAAG Atheists.] [Suddenly, a Red Alert(tm) resonates across the Pube Fort. Ferret Boy runs to the screens where he sees the contingent of WACSDAAG approaching the Pube Fort.] [Ferret Boy] Publius! The Atheists (hack, hack, coff, coff) are coming! > This is a miracle > in itself. [Ferret Boy, confused] What? The Arch-Atheist said he was coming to get you! How can it be a miracle? [Tim, putting his left palm facing upward under his mouth to prevent more sarcasm from splashing the carpet] He probably defines a miracle any which way he wants and to fit with whatever situation he might be facing at the moment. [Ferret Boy] What's your point, Tim? [Tim] Nothing in particular. Not that you two would recognize a point if it stood in front of you and stripped naked, painted itself purple and danced on top of a piano singing 'Happy point is here again'. [Ferret Boy is beginning to note some hostility in Tim] Look. The Mighty Red Iguana is the Wisest Man (and Son of God) in this whole planet! And he is incapable of making a point! Ehr, I meant 'mistake'. > Genesis One in the Bible confirms this [Tim eyes the Iguana suspiciously] Are you sure about that? I don't remember any mention of an Iguana being incapable of doing mistakes in Genesis I. Can I get a full quote for that? > - other than > to say it was an 'Act of God' rather than the result > random chance. [Tim] Huh? That doesn't say you are infallible! [Ferret Boy] I think you might need a little more in the way of indoctrination Tim. We'll deal with this after the current crisis is over. For now, suffice it to say that if The Red Iguana says it does, then it does. And if you don't agree, then there is no point in debating, is there? [Tim] Let me guess. Another of his wonderful quotes, right? [Ferret Boy] Oh, yeah! I think that one came from Deuteronomy, but I can't be sure without checking. Or was it also from Genesis One, O Great Iguana of Redness? > Genesis One says Man was 'made' by God in His image [Ferret Boy] Sorry, O Mighty Iguana! I promise to study my Bible more from now on! But please, continue with your words of wisdom! [Tim, cupping his hand under his mouth again] Oh yes, Purple Lizard of Smallness! Tell us more that we may enrich our lives with your wisdom! [Ferret Boy, whispers] It's "Red", "Iguana", and "Greatness"! Don't make the same mistake again, or it will be deducted from your paycheck! [Tim] [While this exchange has been takin place, the WACSDAAG forces have reached the gates of the Pube Fort] [Stacy Prowell] Where is that I.I.? Will you come out, or do I have to make you come out? [Our Hero signals His Sidekick, who switches on the microphone. Our hero takes it in his Iguana-Suited hand and responds smugly] > - to the extent that Man was 'made' with an Intellect, > that is, the ability to "subdue the Earth". [Stacy] Not the Earth! We will subdue ->you<-! You are really a waste of space, Lizard, and my rule is to dispose of waste! Do you understand? Come out now, or face the consequences! [Dan Johnson, to Stryder] Boy, he hasn't calmed down since that Iguana guy called him stupid. I hope he doesn't stay like this for long. [Stryder] Oh, I don't know. I kinda like the attitude. > Or, > as the Atheist Religion puts it, the ability to > understand the workings of the Laws of Physics and > Chemistry [Dan] Not that drivel again! How many times are you going to repeat yourself? Don't you have anything new to tell us? > . [Dan] Yeah, I thought so. [The Iguana of Madison switches off the microphone, and decides to continue with the Bible Indoctrination of the new security officer.] > There is nothing in Genesis One that says that God > made any demands on Man of a Spiritual Nature. [Tim] And the Bible is of course always right, I guess. Tell me, do you ever make any sense? > Natural Man just didn't have the Faculty to fulfill > any such obligation. [Tim] Yeah, I thought so. > It was not until the 'Eighth Day of Creation' that > Spiritual Man - the Children of God - appeared on > Earth. [Ferret Boy, really getting into the Iguana Lecture] Yes! Yes! Eight Day of Creation! And tell us, mighty Defender of Madison, why did no one know about the Eight Day of Creation until You came along? [Tim] I guess you've heard this before, haven't you? [Ferret Boy] Oh, Yes! It's my favorite bed-time story. > This event passed unnoticed by Bible > Experts. Still it is there in Black and White. [Tim] Oh, you must be ->really<- smart then! Imagine, for a thousand years this goes unnoticed by the great theologians, and you discovered it all by yourself! [Tim forgot to cup his hand again, so another big drop of sarcasm splashes on the carpet] [Ferret Boy, proudly] Isn't he great? > It was the Children of God who had certain obligations > of a Spiritual Nature - and certain obligations > to the Earth during their tenure here. [Ferret Boy whispers to Tim] I still haven't figured this part out yet, but I'm sure it will all make sense when I do. [Tim rolls his eyes] > > I think this deserves a whole new Thread. - > I'll work on it. > PUBLIUS > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > [Tim] Does he go into lecture mode often? I'm beginning to think it wasn't such a good idea to come here. [Ferret Boy sits mesmerized for a few seconds, before the sound of gunfire reminds him that the Atheist Forces lie in wait outside the Pube Fort.] [Stacy] Look, I want the Lizard out and I want him now. [Ferret Boy gazes upon the apparent might of the Atheist Forces, and decides to try to bargain down the demands of the Arch-Atheist] [Ferret Boy] Wouldn't an apology be enough? [Stacy] Only if it's written in his hide. If it makes it any easier, imagine Stryder here has an Uzi in his hand and is pointing it at your window. [Ferret Boy] But he ->has<- an Uzi in his hand! And he ->is<- pointing it at my window! [Stryder yells] Then it shouldn't tax your imagination too much! Now, lets have the Iguana! [Will Ferret Boy surrender The Red Iguana to save his own skin? Will the plans of Knowledgius be fully explained in a future episode? Will Stacy ever calm down? Will I be able to keep writting Tim's comments with even margins? Don't miss the next unedifying episode of Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius] ====================================================================== "It's not denial. I'm just very selective about what I accept as reality." --- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes") ====================================================================== Arturo Magidin magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu magidin@math.berkeley.edu [Knowledgius, whispering to Tim] There really isn't any need to make a mental note of everything you see. I've been there, and I can become invisible and check at any time. [Tim] OK, less hard work for me. When do we get to the wanton destruction part? [Knowledgius] Patience. Hopefully next episode.