From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 7. Date: 7 Apr 1994 21:20:39 GMT Message-ID: <2o1tf7$pkb@agate.berkeley.edu> [The Atheists have finished eating their Chinese take-out lunch, and have decided to follow the suggestion of Stacy Prowell, Arch-atheist, to destroy our Great Hero, Red Iguana Suited Publius, and use his hide as a rug for Stacy's cat.] [Ferret Boy] Bad Atheists! [Stop it! I haven't finished the introduction yet!] [Ferret Boy] Oh, sorry. [Anyway, the atheist have decided that in order to present to the world a front of respectability, they will go through the charade of declaring war on the Pube Fort before attacking it.] [Stacy Prowell] Mike, call the I.I. [Mike McAngus] I.I.? [Stacy] Iguana Idiot. Saying his name leaves a bad taste in my mouth. [Mike dials the cabalistic number of the Pube Fort, and is connected to the office of the Ever Loyal Ferret Boy] [Ferret Boy] Hello, thank you for caling the Pube Fort, where the Living God rules once more, and where we Try To Keep This Christian Nation Christian. Also, home of the Mighty Mozumderizer Mark II. This is Ferret Boy. How may I help you? [Stacy] May I talk with The Mighty Red Iguana, please? [Ferret Boy] Who may I say is calling? [Stacy] Arch-Athe... ehr, Arch-Theist Stacy Prowell. [Ferret Boy, excited] Wow! An Arch-Theist! I'll call him right away! Would you like the screen, or will audio be just fine? [Stacy ponders it for a second and decides he wants to see the look on the Iguana's face when he declares war] Screen, please. [Ferret Boy] Yes, sir! [Ferret Boy runs to the Mighty Red Iguana, Defender of Madison, Publius "No Argument too Circular", who is happy to see his message is finally getting through to the theists of the world. He is so happy, that he decides to interrupt his lunch consisting of a Paradox Sandwich (which as soon as I come up with something funny to be in it, will be described to the audience).] [The Mighty Iguana's face appears on the video screen on the Isle of Logis] [Ferret Boy] Hello, Arch-Theist! We are happ... [pause] Wait a second! You aren't the Arch-Theist! You are that Stacy Prowell! You tried to encheferize the Iguana on the Isle of Logis! You threatened his Holy Tail with destruction! [Stacy] Yes. My name is Stacy Prowell. I knew your father. Prepare to die. [Ferret Boy] You knew my father? [Stacy] Well, not really, but I saw 'The Princess Bride' and wanted to adapt the line. [Stryder] Enough chit-chat, Stacy. Do what you called to do. [The face of the Mighty Red Iguana twists into a frown as he listens to the Arch-Atheists pronouncement] [Stacy reads the scroll in front of him] "Because of the offensive remarks made by Publius 'The Red Iguana', heretofore the Party of the First part, against Stacy Prowell 'Arch-Atheist', heretofore the Party of the Second Part, and in order to follow the laws and rules set forth by the...." Who wrote this thing? [Dan Johnson] Why? What's wrong with it? [Stacy] It doesn't quite capture the mood of the situation. [Dan] Well, if you think you can do better, go for it. [Stacy] Ok. Look, you damn lizard. You called me 'stupid', and that puts you a couple steps closer to meeting your so-called god. If we had nuclear weapons Stryder would throw them at you [nods to Stryder, who looks forlorn at the lack of said weapons], but unfortunately we are going to have to do it the old fashioned way. A state of war now exists between the Isle of Logis and the Pube Fort. What have you got to say? [Ferret Boy interrupts] Ha! A state of war! With our legions of pig farmers and creationist idiots, ready at our disposal, you have no chance! [Publius however doesn't look quite so sure. He shuts Ferret Boy up, and says] In article <2nv3i4$13q9@inca.gate.net>, Publius wrote: > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > Why are you all so upset? [Stacy] Look, lizard. I'm not playing games here. That red suit of yours is mine! > This is not my idea! [Ferret Boy] Ehr... right! It was his... his... his DNA! His DNA told him to do it! You can't really blame him, can you? I mean, any court in the land would declare him insane on the spot. You can't hold it against him. > I was only paraphrasing > Nietzsche's 'Zarathustra'. [mathew] What? I don't recall Nietzsche ever making the remarks you made in our last talk. If he had, he wouldn't have any credibility, just like you. > Take it up with > the Nietzsche enthusiasts. [Stacy] So, we are dealing with a coward here? You are big on talk, Red Iguana. Why don't you face up to the consequences of your actions? [Ferret Boy, pleading at Stacy] No, please, don't! It's not my fault he is crazy! Please, don't destroy the Pube Fort! It's my only home! [Stacy] I don't believe this was done without your consent. No one could blindly follow this idiot unless they agreed with him. [To Dan] Dan, what do you think? > I personally believe [Dan] He was talking to me, you moron! > - if this 'trend curve' > continues [Arturo Magidin] .. we'll see a bigger revival of the 70's? Yes I agree it looks bad. I mean, the 70's weren't exactly the best of decades. Bellbottoms, disco... But it's no reason to go praying to a non-existing God! > - that the "Game of the Gods' [At the mention of the Game of the Gods, Ferret's Boy face goes blank. He stumbles toward the kitchen of the Pube Fort without saying a word.] > will be terminated long before the potential > Advent of the 'Superman'. [Arturo] You mean you think you've got Superman fighting for you? What a laugh! Don't you know he is just a character in a comic book? [Ferret Boy comes out of the kitchen, wielding a long bread knife in his hand. He still has a blank look on his face, and starts to maneuver to get behind the Iguana's back.] . > Have fun PUBLIUS > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > [Publius breaks the connection. The last thing the atheists (hack, hack, coff, coff) see, is the Not So Loyal Now Ferret Boy preparing to stab our hero on the back!] [Mike] I know you will! What was that knife thing all about? [Stacy] Who knows? I just hope he is still alive when we get there. [Dan] Why? [Stacy] So I can kill him myself. [All] Oh. [Stacy] Anyway, Mike, Dan, Arturo, mathew, Steve, Tony, pack up what we'll need. I say we need a few thousand copies of the FAQ, a copy each of Enderton's 'Mathematical Introduction to Logic' just in case he has a Geodel Undecidability Generator, and... [While Stacy goes through the list of what the Evil Atheist will need to attempt their unholy attack on the holy Pube Fort and the Great Iguana of Religiosity (provided he survives Ferret Boy's stabbing), we go to find Knowledgius, ->Vile<- Atheist God, invisible, observing the progress of his plan.] [Knowledgius is, in fact, still in our hero's office! Knowledgius watches with an evil smile on his face as the subverted Ferret Boy approaches the Mighty Iguana, the words "Game of the Gods" triggering the hypnotic instructions he received from Knowledgius.] [Knowledgius, to itself] Boy, this invisibility stuff is really cool! I must remember to thank the Invisible Pink Unicorn for telling me how to do it. And I will, next time I see her . [Publius still doesn't notice what is going on, and turns away from his desk towards the weapons room to see if the Mozumderizer Mark II is in readiness. He leaves the place where he was standing just as Ferret Boy lunges... and missed our hero! Instead, it cuts the Paradox Sandwich in half.] [Knowledgius, to itself] Damn! It failed this time. I'm sure there will be other "Game of the Gods" mention soon, but I'm getting tired of waiting and watching. There must be something else I can do to Vilify and Destroy My Enemy! [Knowledgius disappears, this time for real] [Ferret Boy 'wakes' to find himself standing over the Paradox Sandwich, which is now cut in half. He does not remember anything after the mention of the Game of the Gods, and then nothing.] [Ferret Boy, confused] What's going on? What happened? I remember nothing. O Great Iguana of Redness? Did you want your Paradox Sandwich cut? [Meanwhile, The Evil Atheist God Knowledgius Objectivus has found a likely prospect to help in his plan.] [Knowledgius approaches the young man] What's your name? [Young man] Tim Lehnerer. [Knowledgius] Tell me, Tim, would you like to have fun and do some wanton destruction along the way? [Tim] Sure! Lead the way, sir, er... madam, er... Forgive me for asking, but are you a 'he' or a 'she'? [Knowledgius, proudly] I am of No Particular Gener, Race, or Sexual Orientation(tm). In any case, here's the plan... [What evil plan is Knowledgius up to? Will Ferret Boy find out what Knowledgius has done to him? Will the Evil Atheist Worldwide Conspiracy succeed in destroying our hero? Will Stacy's cat enjoy the fake lizard-skin rug Stacy is getting for her? Tune in next time and see, in Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius!] ====================================================================== "It's not denial. I'm just very selective about what I accept as reality." --- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes") ====================================================================== Arturo Magidin magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu magidin@math.berkeley.edu PD The Paradox Sandwich. The Paradox Sandwich is a leg of lamb. It's name was given in two separate instances by the Mighty Iguana of Life Oriented religions. According to him it is a Paradox Sandwich because: a) "I Define it to Be a Sandwich, and That's that. I will not agree to debate on it unless you accept my premise that it is indeed a Sandwich." and, b) "A Paradox Sandwich must be a Sandwich, since it is so named. Hence, it is a Sandwich. It does not look like a Sandwich, thus producing an apparent Paradox. So I think I'll call it the Paradox Sandwich".