From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 6. Date: 5 Apr 1994 06:24:38 GMT Message-ID: <2nr076$lho@agate.berkeley.edu> [NOTE: To provide an atmosphere similar to that seen in Stanley Kubrick's masterpiece 'Dr. Strangelove:Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb', this entire episode was filmed in black and white. Keep this in mind while reading it.] [POST-NOTE: All the episode, that is, except for the costume of our hero, the Red Iguana of Life Oriented Religions, whose costume has been colorized to a bright crimson, in order to further accentuate the differences between the colorless, life-less life of the evil Atheists, and the life of Publius] [We go into the basement of the Base of Operations of the Evil Atheists in the Isle of Logis (Home of the Skeptic Hotline). Sitting around a big round table are all the important members of the Atheist Conspiracy, discussing their next moves in their efforts to spread their Religion across the Universe. The table should remind everyone who has seen Dr. Strangelove of the famous War Room scenes, and everyone who hasn't seen Dr. Strangelove should go and rent it.] [Clark Adams] First, the report of recent activities. The Chair recognizes Dan Johnson. [Dan Johnson] Well, we've known each other for a while now. I sure would hope you would recognize me! [Clark Adams] I mean, you can speak now. [Dan Johnson] Look, we can get into arguments about the First Amendment some other time. Right now, let me tell you what our most recent action regarding that Lizard idiot has been. Say, Clark, why is that little vein in your temple throbbing? In any case, we checked out the yellow pages under "Clue-less Heroes In Funny Costumes", and sure enough there was a Red Iguana listed. We proceeded to send him a googol copies of FAQ, together with a prototype of our new pamphlet "What Atheists Don't Believe In". We included a note asking him to call us later, so that we can see his reaction and pass it on to the research fellows. [Clark Adams] Any other comments? Chair moves to move along to the next topic. [Stryder] Yeah? Well, I move we beat the Hell(tm) out of you and help you get rid of these delusions of grandeur! [Ray Ingles stands up and restraints Stryder, who is trying to stand up] [Ray] Stop it Stryder! Clark here is a wonderful organizer, and we need a little organization in these meetings. Remember how it was when Stacy conducted these meetings? No discussion whatsoever! And before that, with Angee? Since we disagree in basically everything except our wish to Spread The Poison That is Atheism Across the Globe(tm), we need someone to keep control of these meetings! [Tony Lawrence] I agree. These meetings are the most fun I've had in ages! I move we fillibuster Clark until he drops from exhaustion! [Clark] Chair moves we answer the phones. Do I have a second? [Stacy] I second. [Clark] Good. All those in favor say 'Aye'. [All] AYE! [Clark] Motion carried. Any nominations for Official Answerer? [Mike McAngus] Are we ever going to get anything done around here? [Stands up and walks up to the phone. Turns around to face the big table again] [Clark] Wait, Mike! We need to follow Parliamentary procedure! [Mike] You know I hate it when we use fancy language to cover up issues! [mathew] Look, if you want to debate on proper procedure for these meetings I'll be more than happy to moderate. But just answer the damn phone now, will you! [Mike answers the phone] Hello, 'Atheist Base of Operations', this is Mike speaking. How can I help you? [pause] Oh, just a second. Everyone will want to hear this. You don't mind if I put you in the VideoPhone, do you? [Mike hangs up the phone and pushes a few buttons. He goes back to his seat and while the VideoPhone's bulbs warm up (Atheism goes a long way back, you know), he tells everyone:] It's that Iguana guy. He wants to tell us what he thought of our prototype pamphlet. [The screen of the VideoPhone finally comes to life. We see the Crimson Iguana angrily waving around a bunch of pages in his hand. Behind him, standing solemnly and with arms crossed, is his Ever Faithful Ferret Boy.] [Dan] So, Mr. Iguana. What did you think of those papers we sent you? In article <2nca8h$1hqn@inca.gate.net>, Publius wrote: > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > > Same old disoriented ramblings - and avoidance of > the issue: [Dan, confused] What avoidance? The title says clearly that it will deal with what atheists don't believe in, and that's what we do. [Angela Dyer interrupts] You see, we are tired of people accusing atheists of believing in some sort of non-sensical God, so... [She is interrupted by The Iguana of All that is Life Oriented] > What is the Nature of the "God" postulated > by the Atheist Religion? [Ferret Boy] Damn the Atheist Religion! [Angela] No, no! Look, *they* tell us we have a God, but what we are attempting to prove in the pamphlet you have in your hands is that we are too heterogeneous... [Publius interrupts again] > Why do you just put out the nauseous stuff about what > you DON'T believe? [Angee is starting to fume; Dan pushes her back to her seat. He motions to mathew, Keeper of the FAQ, who nods and stands up] [mathew] Well, they keep telling us that atheism is an organized religion. If it were an organized religion, then we would have to share common beliefs. Are you with me so far? So what we are doing is trying to show that it's false, that we do not share common beliefs. This is a very common proof method, called proof by Contrapositive. You know, if a implies b, then not b implies not a. > Who cares! [Arturo Magidin] Why, for starters mathematicians do! We use that method very often. [Eyes Publius suspiciously, shielding his eyes from the crimson glow emanating from the black and white screen] Anyway, why are you so hostile? Are you some sort of religionist? > And don't call me a 'religionist'. [Rick Gillespie] "Christian", then? > Religion is for > 'beievers'. [Angela looks around with a hopeful look in her eyes] Did someone say beavers? [Dan whispers in her ear] I think he meant 'believers'. [Angela] Oh. > (Atheism is a great religion for certain > 'minds of a peculiar structure'. [mathew] Look, I thought that was pretty well covered on the FAQ. Atheism is not a religion under any rational definition of the word. Can you give me a single example of an atheist dogma? > Like believing that > Life is the result of the 'chance interaction of atoms' [Tony] BUZZZZ! WRONG! And I won't even thank you for playing. That's called 'naturalism', you Lizard-Brain! Any other insightful "ideas" (and I use the word loosely)? > Or that the Moth with the coloring and pattern > of the face of an Owl - including the perfectly > defined eyes [mathew] Look, this is all covered in the FAQ, a few million copies of which I believe you receiv... [He is interrupted by The Iguana of Madison] > - is the result of Darwinian adaptation > and survival of the fittest. [Ray] Wouldn't that just be biology, rather than atheism? I mean, it's just that a moth that looks like an Owl is more likely to be confused with an owl, and therefore not be attacked by a raving and lunatic bird. [Publius chuckles at this response] > (That makesthat Moth a lot > smarter and creative than any Atheist I ever met.) [Ferret Boy chuckles at his Hero's snappy retort] It certainly is, O Defender of the 18th Century! I have never met an Atheist (hack, hack, coff, coff) I liked! I have yet to meet an Atheist who can Think As He Ought To! [Stacy] I'm beginning to think you might be an idiot, Mr. Iguana. Look, if you take the time to read through a few books on comparative anatomy, modern biology, and maybe even a few explanatory articles on evolution, you might come to realize that the physiology... [He is interrupted by the Red Iguana, who is beginning to foam at the mouth] > It's the Physiognomy,, stupid! [Stacy] I beg your pardon! No-one calls Stacy Prowell, Arch-Atheist, stupid and keeps on living! [Publius seems indifferent to the threat he has just received.] [He continues with his explanation] > Not the Physiology > where the secret to the Evolutionary Process will be > discovered. [Michelle] The 'Physiognomy' wouldn't have anything to do with that, DAMMIT! > But it won't be discovered by an Atheist. [Andrew Lias] Well, I should hope not! I don't think any atheist is stupid enough to look for it there to begin with, you dimwit! > They are to set in their fanatical beliefs to discover > anything. [Clark] Chair moves we disconnect this idiot and forget about his mad ravings. Any seconds? [Geoff Arnold] I second! This is conceivably the most stupid conversation I have ever been a witness to. Let's disconnect this stupid Believer in Idiocies and go back to our work. > > I said I am not a 'believer'. I am a 'knower' [Geoff] Not from where I'm standing you're not! I have yet to see a single fact issue from your mouth. Do you know ->anything<-?/ > I know that Life existed before Matter. [Ferret Boy] Har! That will teach you, Evil Atheist Scum! His DNA told him that! It's in the rulebook of the Game! [The whole atheistic assembly is struck dumb by this assertion.] [Ferret Boy] So, the Truth has stopped you in your tracks, has it? [Stacy shakes off his bewilderment] No, it's just that we've never heard something of such utter stupidity said before. We have no snappy response to that. Frankly, we never thought anybody was stupid enough to say it. [Tony] I'll bet you it's just a joke. No one could be that stupid. I'll bet you he doesn't believe it himself. > If you don't > believe me, ask STAR TREK. [Ferret Boy] But not that stupid Android. He never says anything that Makes Sense! [Clark, angrily] There is a motion on the table to disconnect this idiot. Any objections? [All] NO! [Clark] Motion carried unanimously. Mike, disconnect if you please. [Mike stands up and goes to the control panel.] [Stacy stands up and says] Wait. This dumb ass called me stupid. I want his hide as a fireplace rug for my cat! What *is* your real name, you walking corpse? [The Red Iguana smiles and answers, very slowly] > PUBLIUS > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > [Mike disconnects the signal. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief at having the average level of the conversation jump several orders of magnitude higher.] [Stacy] I say we go and kill the idiot. [Steve Keppel-Jones] Is that really necessary? [Stacy] He called me 'stupid'! Of course it's necessary! [Clark] With all due respect to the Arch-Atheist, I think this course of action requires a bit more discussion. [Arturo] I agree. Maybe we should order lunch and think it over for a while. Let's have Stacy's temper cool a bit before we take any rash actions. Any objections to pizza? [Michelle] Not pizza again, DAMMIT! [Clark] I can't eat pizza! If I gain those pounds again I might need two seats at this table and throw our whole arrangement of people out the window! [Tony] No objections, motioned carried. Pizza it is. Pineapple and Ham, right? [Arturo] What!? The Anti-Pizza!? Are you MAD? [Angela] Pineapple and Ham sounds great. [Andrew] Definitely. Pineapple and Ham. [Ray] I'm with Arturo on this one. Pepperoni or nothing. [Rick] Pepperoni and bacon, maybe? [Dan] Look, we are not going through this discussion again! Last time it took us two days and we ended up ordering Chinese! We'll get sausage and thats that. [Steve has quietly made his way over to the phone while this conversation is taking place] Hello? Domino's? Can you deliver to the Isle of Logis? Good. We would like to order 30 veggie pizzas... [Geoff takes the phone away from him] What do you think you're doing! [at the phone] Never mind! [Goeff hangs up the phone and stands defiantly] Look, either we get caramelized onions, prosciutto and cheese, with no tomato sauce, or I say we go for Chinese again. And anybody tries to get to the phone, he'll have to go through me. [Stacy] All in favor of Chinese say Aye! [All] AYE! [Stacy] Motion carried. Geoff, make the call. [What will the atheist decide? Will they ever be able to order pizza together? Will Publius come to regret the day he called Stacy 'stupid'? Will Knowledgius appear in the next episode? Will the next episode end without a series of questions? Tune in next time and see, in Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius!] ====================================================================== "It's not denial. I'm just very selective about what I accept as reality." --- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes") ====================================================================== Arturo Magidin magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu magidin@math.berkeley.edu PS We now return you to your regular color transmissions.