From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 4. Date: 4 Apr 1994 20:30:37 GMT Message-ID: <2nptde$bbp@agate.berkeley.edu> [Last episode we saw that Yellow-Bellied Misguider of Society, Knowledgius Objectivus, trying to provoke our Most Beloved Wearer of the Red Iguana Suit, Capitalizer Supreme, Defender of Madison and Son of the Gods, Publius, into anger. Having succeeded in his/her/its objectives, he/she/it switched off the PubeCommunicator.] [Also, Ferret Boy is speeding back to the Pube Fort aboard the Pubesmobile, thinking he has escaped from the Evil Clutches of Knowledgius. Unknown to him, but not to the readers of this series, Knowledgius has implanted secret instructions in the deepest parts of Ferret Boy's mind. Knowledgius has vowed to use Ferret Boy to destroy Publius, the same way The Red Iguana tricked atheist into destroying their own God.] [We now go back to the Atheist Base of Operations and Home of the Skeptic Hotline in the Isle of Logis. Here Arch-atheist, Namer of that Which Should not be Named, Stacy Prowell, is conducting the interrogation of Nameless Red Shirt #2, whom you might thought I had forgotten about. With him are Dan Johnson and Arturo Magidin. Manning the phone is Clark Adams, who has what appears to be a list of car-pools on his lap, and is busy talking with someone on the phone.] [Stacy] So, why were you repeating the Ontological Argument, here in the Isle of Logis of all places? [N.R.#2] I have to tell you nothing but my serial number, name and rank, and I've already provided you with them! So go away, and don't try to corrupt me! [Stacy] I was afraid of this. You leave me no recourse but to call in our Chief Interrogator. Stryder! [Stryder comes in, smiling wickedly and holding a chainsaw in his hands...] [Stryder] HEY! I'm getting tired of that chainsaw schtick. Don't you have anything better to do than steal plot devices from Dan? [Ehr... Stryder comes in, smiling wickedly and holding a... Free Thought Enforcer?] [Stryder] That was Stacy's! ["Stryder comes in, similing wickedly, a rubber hose in his hand"?] [Stryder] OK, I can live with that. [ Stryder comes in, smiling wickedly, a rubber hose in his hand. In order to keep violence to a minimum, we will only provide the reading public with the sound effects of this interrogation] [N.R.#2] But, you haven't even asked any questions! I'll talk, I'll talk! Ask! Please, ask! The Red Iguana isn't worth this punishment! [Stacy] I knew you would talk. Stryder, that'll be all for today. [Stryder, looking sheepish and disilussioned] Can I hit him once before you start asking? Please? [Stacy] Hmmmmmmm... No, sorry. Appearances, you know. [Stryder takes the rubber hose with him and leaves the interrogation room, casting forlorn glances back at the prisoner.] [Stacy] So, this "Red Iguana" you are working for, who is he? [N.R.#2] Sure, feign ignorance, you vile Atheist! [Stacy] Arch-atheist, if you please. In any case, if there is one thing I never feign is ignorance. Who is this Red Iguana you speak of? [N.R.#2] His name is Publius, Defender of the Faith, Believer in Washington, He Who Will Only Debate If His Definitions Are Accepted, Star Trek Watcher, Egyptian Lover, The One and Only, Red Iguana. [Stacy] I see... Long titles usually cover for deficiencies in other areas, but lets skip that. How can I get in touch with this "Publius", if that is his real name? [N.R.#2] I'll never talk! Never! [Dan, who is standing behind Stacy, takes the weapon they confiscated from the N.R.#2 and reads a label on it] [Dan, reading] "If lost, please return to Publius The Red Iguana, at the Pube Fort. Or call (999) 666-0666, and You Shall Be Rewarded" Looks like we don't need the Red Shirt anymore. Let's call this looser and see what he has to say for himself. [Stacy] Right! Clark, are you done with the phone? [Clark Davis Adams] Are you kidding me? I'm still trying to organize that Alt.Atheism Meet'n'Greet Party. I *need* this phone! [Stacy] Hm, I guess it's OK then. We'll have to use the SkepticVideoPhone then. [Stacy dials the cabalistic number of the Pube Fort. He is confronted with an image of a Red Iguana Suited Individual, sitting behind a desk] [Stacy] Hi, this is Stacy, Arch-Atheist. We seem to have found a 'Portable Anti-Nomologizer' of yours, and were wondering where could we drop it off? In article <2mpm2n$v16@inca.gate.net>, Publius wrote: > >Because of my experiences here and elsewhere, I have decided >that the word 'Atheism' is a misnomer and ought to be changed [Stacy] Really? Listen, you look awfully familiar. Have we met before? For some reason you make me think of ferrets... In any case, where is 'here'? And of course 'Atheism' is a misnomer. I told you, it's 'Arch-Atheist'! >and will be changed - as far as I am concerned. [Dan] Wait! I recognize that voice, that utter lack of content! I got a call from him through the Skeptic Hotline about three months ago! And wasn't he there in that Ocean Floor Drive residence we went to to deal with that 'Psychic Link' idiot? [Stacy] Yes... I think that's right! > And it is my >hope that habit will make it universal: [Dan] Look buddy, the only habit you seem to be involved in is psychodelic drugs. I would stop if I were you. Now, can you tell us where can we ... ehr... drop off you weapon? [Our hero takes a stack of papers from his desk. They seem to be rumpled and highlighted in several places. On one of them, the final rebuttal "SAYS YOU!" can be barely made out in bright red ink] >Most of those posting here, who call themselves 'Atheists', [Stacy] "Arch-Atheist", if you please. > are >really 'Anti-theists'. [Clark Adams looks up from his Hypatia Lake Database to stare with utter contempt at the figure of our Hero] [Clark] "'Anti-theists'? What on Earth could that possibly mean? I know some good theists. In fact, some of my best friends were once theists. I would retract that statement if I were you. And... your office doesn't look very well organized. I think you need to put in a bulletin board for all those posts you are waving around... [He is interrupted by the Post-Waving Iguana. He takes one post from a drawer in his desk; this one has been lovingly preserved, and is even laminated. He turns it to face the camera, and points proudly at it] >This was confirmed when I made my first formal posting in >'soc.religion.christian', [Dan] Then what you met where probably Christians, you moron! And they certainly aren't anti-theists. It would be a pretty silly thing to be, wouldn't it? > entitle : "SCHOOL PRAYER". [Arturo] Well, I always thought that the "No prayer in school" rule was a welcome relief, specially during exam time. I was getting tired of listening to all those "Please, let him ask something I *did* study" and such. >There I found a horde of 'Anti-theists' [Stacy is leafing through a dictionary] Antipodes... Antique... Antitrust... Sorry, no Anti-theist here. > already beating up on >the Faithful Christians - (It is a moderated group. [Dan] "Moderated", that's a laugh! I suppose that 'Operation Rescue' is also a moderated group. > But why >the Moderator puts up with their filth and scandalous conduct >I don't understand. [Stacy] It's something about how 'once saved, always saved' or something like that. And besides, it's not that easy to defrock a priest, you know... > It must be a misguided attitude of Christian >Tolerance, I suppose.) [Dan] Look Stacy, we aren't getting anything more from this guy. I say we look for 'Masked Idiots' on the Yellow Pages and try to figure out where this looser is. He certainly needs a few copies of the FAQ dropped on him, preferably wrapping a few bricks. [Stacy] I guess you are right. [Stacy disconnects the VideoPhone] [Back at the Pube Fort, Publius waves a fist at the blank screen in defiance] >And this is the same bunch that is telling me to get lost because >'alt.atheism' is a private area reserved for the 'Atheist Mutual >Admiration Society'! [At this precise instant, the Now-Not-So-Loyal-But-Unaware-Of-This- Fact Ferret Boy comes in, having returned from his foray in the Isle of Logis] [Ferret Boy] Publius! I'm back! About that little typo in the message I sent, it wasn't my fault! You see, the backspace in the PubeTyper didn't work properly, so I couldn't delete, and then you started using the word, and... >What I haven't decided yet is how to contract 'Anti-theism ' >into a more lyrical form: It will be either 'Antheism' or >'An'theism'. [Ferret Boy, to himself] He is still using it! What will I do? Everyone will think he is crazy! But... wait... It sounds like he thinks it was *his* idea, or his DNA's or something... Maybe if I pretend ignorance it won't be blamed or me or something. Yes, that's the ticket! It was *his* idea! [Ferret Boy, loudly to Publius] O Great Iguana Of Redness! It's a great idea? What do the words mean? > Both pronounced the same [Ferret Boy] I *really* must cut earholes in that Iguana suit. [Moving closer to Publius' head and speaking loudly and slowly] WHAT... DO... THE... WORDS... MEAN? [Publius seems to be talking at the Pube Screen, which is off at the moment] > - but with which are you >'Anti-theists ' more comfortable? [Ferret Boy] Darn! I'll be right back, Red Iguana Of All That Is Life Oriented! I'll bring something to cut those holes in your costume! > Let's have a show of >follow-ups. [Ferret Boy] Hm? Oh, yea! I guess I better do it in your spare costumes as well. Why didn't we think of this before? [Publius shrugs] > I aim to please. [Ferret Boy] Yeah, you just don't seem to be hearing very well, that's all! Be right back! [Ferret Boy goes out of Publius' office. In a corner, a pale blue flash of light appears, followed by a shape of No Particular Gender, Race, or Sexual Orientation(tm)] [Knowledgius] I should have guessed you would have your phone number on the anti-nomologizers! > PUBLIUS > [Knowledgius, confused] No, Knowledgius Objectivus. ->You<- are Publius, remember? Did you fall on your head during that 'Flying Dutchman' episode or something? I'm here to exact revenge! Har, Har! >P.S. - For the real Atheists there should be no problem. We > all know the difference. [Knowledgius] And for everybody else as well! You wouldn't think you and I could be mistaken for one another, do you? After all, you dress like a (heh) Red Iguana, while I'm clothed in Bright Blue Rainments. Where is that little do-gooder friend of yours, Rodent Tyke? [Publius faces his enemy with firm countenance, and utters no word. However, his response is unnecesary since Rod... I mean, Ferret Boy comes running back in with a hammer and an Ice pick] [Ferret Boy] I think you better take off the suit before we try this! I couldn't find anything better to work wi... What! Knowledgius! Here? What are you trying to do, you miserable [synonyms failed him again] ehr Vile Atheist God? [Knowledgius] I am here to take my revenge on you... [Advances menacingly on our two heroes, and obscures the view of the camera] [What will Knowledgius do? Has he/she/it forgotten his/her/its other plan to get back at Publius? Or can't he/she/it wait for it to take effect? Will I find a better spelling for Knowledgius laughter? Will the episodes *ever* get shorter? Tune in next time and find out!] ====================================================================== "It's not denial. I'm just very selective about what I accept as reality." --- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes") ====================================================================== Arturo Magidin magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu magidin@math.berkeley.edu