From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 3. Date: 4 Apr 1994 20:24:06 GMT Message-ID: <2npt16$b7u@agate.berkeley.edu> [We return to find Knowledgius Objectivus, Vile Atheist God and All-Around Bad Guy/Gal, and It Who is *Really* Pissed at the Mighty Red Iguana, attempting to subvert the will of the Ever-Loyal Wearer of the Furry Costume, Ferret Boy] [Knowledgius] Here, in the Isle of Logis, there is an animal that has a most astounding habit of entering one's ears, and burrowing on the brain of the host. The result is to make the host very suceptible to suggestion. I shall make use of them to subvert your will, Rodent Tyke. [Ferret Boy] Never! And besides, I think those animals are a little too big to fit in my ear, don't you? [Knowledgius looks at the two horses behind him, and looks startled] Damn! It's Angela Dyer's friends! Oh well, no time to look for the little animals. I'll have to use other methods of suggestion. How about your loyalty for a subscription to 'Penthouse'? [Ferret Boy thinks it over for a few seconds] Including the 'Forum' iss... No! Never, you Foul Perverter of Society! I will not be tempted by the likes of you! [Knowledgius] I knew it was too easy. Well, I guess I shall have to use the Force then. [Ferret Boy] The Force? [Knowledgius] Yes, someone versed in the ways of the Force can have a great influence on weak minds. [Ferret Boy smiles smugly] Then it will be to no avail! [Knowledgius] Oh, I'm sure it will work. [Ferret Boy, blankly in a monotone] Oh, I'm sure it will work. [Knowledgius] Yes, quite. OK, Rodent Tyke. Here are your instructions. [Knowledgius pauses to collect his thoughts. He/she/it notices that the two horses have wandered to off to look for Angee's loving attention. They have been replaced by two persons who are standing very quiet looking over Knowledgius' shoulder] [Knowledgius is startled and backs off, remembering the last time he faced some of its own Atheist Minions, and the resulting trip to the Half Way House in Never-Never Land] [Ferret Boy] Help me! I'm being held captive by a Vile God! [Mark Patterson] Oh, sorry. We're just lurkers. We try not to interfere. [Lloyd] Right! [Knowledgius looks more relaxed, and goes back to his Force ministrations on the Ever Loyal Sidekick] [To preserve the sense of mystery and suspense, the actual instructions will not be heard right now. Rather, you will hear choice phrases designed to keep you on the lookout for possible actions by the subverted Ferret Boy] [Knowledgius] ... Remember nothing... 'Game of the Gods'... Knife in the back... copy of 'Debbie Does Dallas' by return of mail... [Ferret Boy nods blankly as he receives the instructions. Knowledgius snaps its Godly fingers twice, and Ferret Boy comes to, remembering nothing of what has happened.] [Ferret Boy shouts defiantly] I told you it wouldn't work! The followers of the Mighty Red Iguana, He Who Has A Tattoo of James Madison, cannot be easily subverted. [Knowledgius] Darn! I guess I'll have to look for those little animals then... Be right back! [Knowledgius leaves the clearing. Meanwhile Ferret Boy strugles to escape the confines of the Blue Thought Field in which he is imprisoned. He suddenly remembers, together with the writer, his pocket Anti-Nomologizer which was depicted in Chapter 2 but promptly forgotten by all. He takes it out of his pocket, and aims it at the Blue energies surrounding him.] <*BOOOM*> [As the ray of pure Anti-thought coming out of the Anti-Nomologizer collides with the Blue Thought Field, they evaporate in a puff of mutual annihilation, leaving our Now Unknowingly Subverted Sidekick free to escape.] [Ferret Boy runs quickly back to the Pubesmobile, which was indeed not nearly as damaged as the palm tree with which it collided, and takes off escaping from the Isle of Logis and heading back to the security of the Pube Fort] [Meanwhile, Knowledgius smiles at seeing his/her/its plan in motion. He/she/it takes the PubeCommunicator confiscated from Ferret Boy, and decides to bother the Mighty Red Iguana to pass the time] [The face of the Wearer of The Mighty Red Iguana Suit appears in the screen of the PubeCommunicator. At present, he is not wearing the Red Iguana Suit, but seems to be wearing a leotard with the words "Flying Dutchman" written on the chest] [Knowledgius] So, Red Lizard. Are you ready to be forced to think? Are you ready to face me? Or would you rather swing from a trapeze for a while? [Publius keeps calm, not wanting to give the Vile Atheist God the satisfaction of making him loose his lizard-like cool] [Knowledgius] No one can stop me now! Even though your little sidekick escaped my grasp, you will be forced to submit! You will have no choice but to admit the undeniable truth, that Atheism is nothing but a Philosophical Stance!" In article <2mo544$ps6@inca.gate.net>, Publius wrote: > > Atheism is JUST A PHILOSOPHICAL STANCE?! [Knowledgius smiles wickedly at his/her/its succesful efforts to make Publius loose his temper] > Not according to > responses to 'Publius'. [Knowledgius looks worriedly at the Iguana] You know, you really should talk to somebody about that third person thing. Even I, a God, do not fall into it that often. [The wicked smile regains its proper place in the Atheist God Frightful Visage (patent pending)] So, what have you learned about Atheism? > All it is, is a "We don't believe in God" [Knowledgius looks confused] What? You know that? I guess my work here is done then. Darn! What about my revenge? > stonewalling stance. [Knowledgius] Thanks Me! I thought for a second that you actually had learned something. My Revenge can still take place! [Meanwhile, Ferret Boy is on the Ocean of Internet, speeding back to Pube Fort. He decides he should inform the Mighty Red Iguana about his lucky escape and the Return of Knowledgius, so he takes out the PubeTyper, an incredible machine that will transmit the words he types to the Pube Fort to be read by the Iguana of Redness, Defender of the Faith] [Ferret Boy, typing] O Great Red Iguana: How are you? I hope you are fine. In any case I am writting to let you know that your DNA was right. Knowledgius has indeed returned to the world and is attempting to cause your downfall. I have managed to escape his^H^H^H [Stops typing] Darn! The backspace doesn't work. [Resumes typing] her, whatever, vile claws, but you should be carefull. He/she/it has some philosophical sophistic plan to try to get to you... [Publius looks up and notices the message flashing across the screen of his ClassicPubeMac. He reads it and nods with satisfaction. He presses the 'Hold' button on the PubeCommunicator, and the sounds of Gregorian Chants issue forth to keep the caller on the other line busy trying to get away from the sound while the Red Iguana is elsewhere occupied, and types back to his loyal sidekick] > Give me just one philosophical statement > and I'll have an easy time proving that Atheism is a Religion [Ferret Boy] Hum? What? What will that do? Of course it's a Religion! Isn't Knowledgius Objectivus the Atheist God? If it has a God it has to be a religion. [Types back to Publius] Well, it has a God, but from the Actions of Arch-Atheist Stacy Prowell and Dan 'Storming' Johnson, it would appear they do not believe in him. Could you remind me of what Antheists [stops typing] Oh, Darn! A typo! And the backspace of the PubeTyper doesn't work. Oh well, I'll just keep going and hope he knows what I mean. [continues typing] do believe in, O Great Iguana of Religiosity? > - any fool knows that once we know what Atheists believe, the > Antheists 'irreligion' is a synonym of the Theists 'religion'. [Ferret Boy] Oh, no! He picked up the typo himself! I guess I better sign off and try to deny it later. [Types] Well, in any case, I hope you are OK and say hello to your mother for me. Ever-Faithfully, Ferret Boy. [Publius stops typing and answers Knowledgius, who is getting frustrated at being put on hold in the PubeCommunicator, since he isn't overly fond of Gregorian Chants] > Do you approve of my changing 'Atheist' to 'Antheist'. [Knowledgius] Oh, what? Sorry, I was trying to count how many grains of sand are in the beach here. Anyway, was that a question? Could you repeat it please? > I > think I'll use it from now on. I just got a communique from > God suggesting the change. [Knowledgius] Use what from now on? You do realize I was on hold, don't you? And I don't recall sending any communiques your way... > You should feel honored to be the > first Antheist to be so characterized. [Knowledgius] The first *what*? What are you talking about? As to being characterized, I thought that was clear: I am Of No Particular Gender, Race, or Sexual Orientation(tm), and I am the Vile Atheist God! You bore me, Publius. Knowledgius out! > As always PUBLIUS [Knowledgius gives out a snort and switches off the PubeCommunicator] [What will happen? What *eeeeeevil* instructions has Knowledgius implanted in the unsuspecting mind of the Now-Not-So-Loyal Ferret Boy? Will Publius continue to think the messages on the PubeWriter come from God rather than his companion? Will he keep the typo, or realize his mistake and switch to conventional spelling? Don't miss the next episode of "Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius", where some of the answers might, just might, be revealed.] [Then again, this early in the series, its likely more mysteries will appear than be solved in the next episode. But tune in anyway!] ====================================================================== "It's not denial. I'm just very selective about what I accept as reality." --- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes") ====================================================================== Arturo Magidin magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu magidin@math.berkeley.edu