From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 25 Date: 10 Oct 1994 00:36:07 GMT Message-ID: <37a29n$g81@agate.berkeley.edu> [In our previous chapter, when all the atheist forces (to wit, WACSDAAG, Holy Church of The Pink Unicorn, and the Evil Atheist Scientists For a Better Tomorrow Society) have finally been united in the south lawn of the Pube Fort. With them is Jayne Kulikauskas, Pet Theist, and the indomitable Red Iguana of Redness, Publius, with his companion Ferret Boy.] [Unfortunately, Dave Batchelor has pressed the button on the Galactic Plot Device, since he thought Publius was pulling a gun.] [Knowledgius Objectivus] And what a dumb supposition it was! If Publius had a gun, then he would have something effective, wouldn't he? [In any case the action stopped at that moment. We now re-initiate it] [Everyone] NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! [A briliant stream of ... something shoots out of the Galactic Plot Device. It swirls around and makes faint noises. An unexplainable sense of peace and... pinkiness? surrounds all the people in the area.] [Andrew Lias] Yes! YES!! She has come! The IPU [IPU forces] (pbuh) [Andrew] is coming! Her peaceful pinkiness will be revealed! All bow and praise the IPU! [IPU forces (as they bow down)] (pbuh!) [Dave Batchelor] Damn! This wasn't supposed to happen! [Four hoofprints appear in the ground next to the Mighty Red Iguana. He nods in the direction of the hoofprints, and says] In article <367tpl$q6m@tequesta.gate.net>, Publius wrote: > > Sami [Andrew Lias' eyes flash in anger] What! How dare you pronounce that name in the prescence of the Holy IPU! [Mike McAngus] For once, Andrew, I agree! Kill the infidel! Destroy the Iguanas and Ferrets of the world! Praise the IPU! [IPU Forces] (pbuh) [Jayne, confused] Could someone tell me what is going on here? What's this strange mist surrounding us? > > Water is a combination of Hydrogen and Oxygen and the Second Law > of Thermodynamics is just itching to work it over. [Jayne and Ferret Boy] Huh? [At this moment, a brilliant flash of blue light appears next to the four hoofprints. A form of No Particualr Race, Gender, or Sexual Orientation(tm) materializes] [Knowledgius] Do not attempt to make sense of his statements, for it is a lost cause. Do not attempt to make him understand, for only in the pink bossom of the Lady will he find understanding. [Andrew] He/she/it is quoting form the Big Blue Book! She/It/He must be another prophet! [Andrew rises, and draws closer to Knowledgius. Andrew extends his hand in Knowledgius direction, and says:] [Andrew] Hello, Si.. Madam... Well, whatever! My name is Andrew X, "The Prophet" Lias. I can see by your quotes that you are a prophet of Her Pinkiness. I happen to be the local representative for the Amalgamated Union of Prophets, Sages, Oracles, and Other Professional Prophesising People. I would like to invite you to our next meeting, to be held... [Knowledgius] Silence, puny human! Know that I am no other than Knowledgius Objectives, Vile Atheist God! [Stacy Prowell rolls his eyes] Not you again! I thought I told you to scat! Stryder! [Stryder] Yes, Stacy? [Stacy] Hand me... THE FAQ! [Dan Johnson] Not... THE FAQ! [Stacy] Yes. The FAQ! [mathew] Here. I happen to have a couple of extra copies, in hypertext. [Stacy takes the hypertext copy and waves it menacingly at Knowledgius. Before he can approach him, he bumps into something invisible, but strangely pink] [Knowledgius] Thank you, your Pinkiness. [Jayne] Could someone ->please<- tell me what's going on here? [Angela Dyer] Jayne, there really isn't much to tell. Reddie here has been annoying us a long time. And Knowlegius here is obviously an idiot in need of a dictionary. We got rid of him...erh Her... it with the FAQ before... But I don't understand why Stacy stopped... [Mike] It's the IPU! All praise the IPU! [IPU forces] (pbuh!) > You should wonder how the guy who wrote the Book of Revelation > knew this. [Ferret Boy looks up to his former hero; he (FB) feels too ashamed of himself to allow his total admiration to soil the Red Costume of the Defender Of Madison] [Ferret Boy] He knew this? Are you sure? [Jayne] Andrew, I think you are right. There is no way this person can make any sense whatsoever. But he has had his say. I have fullfilled my mission, and am ready to depart! Good bye, all of you! I have other things to attend to! [Andrew] Like what? [Jayne] Having a baby, for one. [All of the IPU Forces, together with the WACSDAAG Forces and the Evil Scientist are overjoyed at the news. The form a cluster of people around Jayne and start congratulating her on the little Kulikauskas-on-the-way. Knowledgius is non-too-pleased with the shabby treatment he is receiving.] [Knowledgius] Oh, gods and angels! What is going on here! Does nobody care about me? Come on, people! The series is named after me, after all! [Publius points at him and looks sternly at Ferret Boy] > He says an 'Angel' - an 'Alien' - told him. [Knowledgius glares at him] I said nothing of the kind! I have you now! You have libeled me! I will sue you out of existence. Your Pinkiness, my briefcase, please! [Knowledgius glances over to the four hoofprints. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a briefcase appears.] [Knowledgius opens the briefcase and takes out a legal-looking paper] [Knowledgius] As you can see, I am now suing your existence for libel. You have accused me of many things (being the composite of the laws of physics among other things), and I will take no more of this. My reputation is forever destroyed. Only your non-existence can satisfy me. The papers outline the legal procedure to follow now. [Publius takes the papers and skims through them. He nods and turns to Ferret Boy] > And the Angel > also outlined the conditions under which the fireworks would be > set-off. [Knowledgius smiles broadly] That he did. And here are the fireworks! [Dan] Congratulations Jayne! [Stryder] Congratulations Jayne! [Knowledgius] Arturo. I said here are the fireworks. Don't interrupt me with inconsequentials, will you! [Sorry about that] [Knowledgius] And here are the fireworks! [A mighty explosion streams forth from the mighty hand of the Vile Atheist God! It takes the shape of a huge cloud, and surrounds the Mighty Red Iguana. It grows more and more opaque!] > Too bad you are all functionally illiterate - or you'd > wise up. [Knowledgius] Functionally illiterate my foot! You are now on your way to meet your fated destiny! [Ferret Boy] Isn't that a tautology? [Knowledgius] Well, maybe. In any case, he... [Ferret Boy] Who? > PUBLIUS > [Knowledgius] Exactly. Publius is about to meet his pleonasmic doom. [The cloud starts to grow more and more transparent. The cloud finally dissipates, and...] [... there's nothing there! Publius has disappeared!] [Ferret Boy looks dejected into the floor] Oh well. It's just as well. I would never be able to face him anyway. Not after what you make me do, Knowledgius. It is obvious I am nothing but your pawn, you can do with me as you please. [Ferret Boy looks up into the sky and shakes his fist in anger at the immensity of the heavens] As private parts to the gods are we! They play with us for their sport! [Ferret Boy faces Knowledgius, a grim look of determination in rru do now, Knowledgius? Your enemy has been dgius] Indeed, I now understand the IPU's words. Sometimes, havinhing is not as satisfying as desiring it. It is not logical, but it is often the truth. I find the world no longer holds the spice of mystery and excitement it once did. I have nothing else to live for. I shall become a hermit, and you, child, shall be my disciple. [Knowledgius points his godly finger at Ferret Boy as he saysns aroan Where is he! What's going on! [Clark Adams] Stacy, I don't know where that Lizak it is my duty to tell you that several things have gone unattended during this lates binge and trip you brought us along. As long as we don't really know where the Iguana lies, I think it is in our best irn to the Isle of Logis and continue plotting against the world. [Tony Lawrence] I move we return to the Isle of Logis. All in favor? [WACSDAAG Forces, minus Stacy] Aye! [Clark] Motion carried. After yos done. The Galactic Plo hy is all the better fec there isn't really any other funin the Evil Atheist Scientists will say 'adieu' and depart now, if its allright with everyone. [Mark McCollough] Sure. Lets go. I have some things to attend to back at the root directory anyway. [The Evil Atheist Scientist leave] [The IPU Forces are left by themselves on the plain, the four hoofprints on the ground the only indication that anything really happened here.] [Mike] I think we should build a cathedr sy definition, ap] bout, the Book of Invisibleness says no such thing! Here! py! [Andrew] How many times do I have to tell you, Mike. tandard Revised Revision! [We draw the curtain on the unfortunate disagreement as to sources, as our painful saga draws to a close. Some questions remain unanswered: What has happened to the Red Iguana? Will Ferret Boy appear ever again? Will Mike and Andrew ever gree on a translation of the Big Book? Where is the IPU and why did shehlf these questions may be ative about what I accept as reality." --- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes") ====================================================================== Arturo Magidin magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu magidin@math.berkeley.edu [Arturo] You didn't really expect anything after my .sig, right? The series is over, after all!