From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 24 Date: 5 Oct 1994 03:53:13 GMT Message-ID: <36t7v9$7ac@agate.berkeley.edu> [In our last chapter, Publius the Might Red Iguana unwittingly accepted a collect call-spell from the Vile Atheist God, Knowledgius Objectivus. His unwitting action provided said Vile God with the opportunity to convince the Invisible Pink Unicorn] [IPU Forces] (pbuh) [to join forces with the Arch-Atheist, Stacy Prowell, and his WACSDAAG forces to face the threat to the revectorization of the vector of society that Our Mighty Hero poses] [IPU Forces] huh? [Sorry. They agreed to join forces because they are afraid Publius will thwart their evil and/or pink plans.] [Also, Jayne Kulikauskas emerged into the scene in full costume, and brandishing a teaspoon defended the Red Iguana's right to be heard. Nothing much made sense, but it is not her fault.] [At the north end of the Pube Fort, the WACSDAAG forces are pulling down the last standing stone of the wall to the Pube Fort] [Stacy] Well, we have succeeded in destroying the wall. We may attack now! [Stryder taps him on the shoulder] Ehr, Stacy, I hate to point this out, but we could have attacked earlier. We ->did<- take down the door earlier with the tank... [Stacy] What's your point, Stryder? [Stryder blanches] No point. Just saying something completely inconsequential. [Stacy] I thought so. [Suddenly, out of nowhere, a bright flash of blue light appears. A shape of No Particular Race, Gender, or Sexual Orientation (tm). Knowledgius Objectivus is here!] [Knowledgius] Well done, my minions! Now that we have had our little enjoyment... [Clark Davis Adams holds up the agenda and interrupts] [Clark] I'm sorry, but I don't think you'll find enjoyment on the agenda. [Knowledgius dismisses him] [Knowledgius] Whatever. Now we are ready! We must proceed North, away from the Pube Fort and attack! [Stacy walks up to Knowledgius] [Stacy] Look buster. I don't know who or what you are. I know we got rid of you once with the FAQ, and I'm not afraid to use it again. Here, I am the Arch-Atheist, and we will do what I say. [Knowledgius] Sharp words indeed. [Stacy motions to Stryder, who takes out an axe and begins to hand it to Stacy] [Stacy] I may choose instruments somewhat sharper than words. [It is Knowledgius' turn to blanch. He/she/it does so] [Knowledgius] You wouldn't dare! [Stacy's face brightens] Oh! We're playing dare now, are we? What fun! [Knowledgius knows when he/it/she is overmatched. She/it/he dissapears in a puff of unsmoke] [Stacy] Right. So we march south and attack that Crimsom Lizard guy. [They march south towards the clearing where the IPU'ers, the Evil Scientists For a Better Tomorrow, Jayne, and both the Mighty Red Iguana and the Ferrety Companion Ferret Boy, are discussing the fine points of teaspoons as gadgets.] [Knowledgius reappears, and besides her/him/it, four hoofprints appear as well. There is a certain pinkiness to the air surrounding Knowledgius, but it is hard to describe properly.] [Knowledgius] See, Your Pinkiness? I told you I knew how to handle them now. Your turn. [IPU] [Knowledgius] Sure thing. You can do it right behind that tree over there. But I do want you to hold up your part of the bargain! [IPU] [Knowledgius starts disappearing, as the IPU (presumably) heads towards the nearby bushes; he/she/it mutters to him/her/it self as she/he/it does so] Anybody even remotely interesting is mad in some way or another... [On the clearing, Jayne is brandishing a spoon at Ferret's Boy throat] [Ferret Boy] Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! I don't really like him! His Game of the Gods' stuff was stupid! Stop! STOP! [Jayne] Oh, dear me. Ferret Boy. This [she points to the spoon] is a spoon. It cannot harm you. What would happen? It's not like I can cut your throat with it or something. I'm just showing it to you... [Ferret Boy uncringes and clears the dust off his uniform] Of course. I knew that. [Dave Batchelor pipes in] [Dave] "Game of the Gods" what is that? [Ferret Boy's eyes glaze over...] [and unglaze almost immediately. His face is now covered with an expression of utter terror and self-disgust] [Ferret Boy] I remember now! Oh no! That evil and vile Knowledgius! He ehr, she, well, Knowledgius hypnotized me! I attacked the Red Iguana! The words "Game of the Gods" sent me to a trance! Oh no! How can I ever live with myself after this? The betrayal! The shame! [Andrew Lias is reading from the Big Blue Book] "And then the treachery will be revealed. And the ferrets from the Earth will apologize to the Lizards, and all will not be OK. And in that moment, the glory of the IPU will be revealed. And all will fall in obeiance to Her, for her Invisibleness and Pinkiness is absolute" [The IPU forces immediately turn to all sides expectantly, waiting for the non-appearance of the IPU] [Paul King] The concept! It's staggering! Pointless.... But staggering! [Andrew points an accusing finger at him] Infidel! [Mike McAngus] How dare he! [Jason McBryer] What is this? Some new brand of Atheism? [The Red Iguana misinterprets this question and begins to answer] In article <36qfdl$tjv@tequesta.gate.net>, Publius wrote: > > Here we go again! [He puts his Iguana-suited hand into his Iguana-pocket in his Iguana costume and starts pulling out something] [Dave Batchelor] Careful! He's got a something! [Dave takes out the Galactic Plot Device, and begins to press the button...] [Paul King, Nick Munn, and Mark McCollough jump towards him at the same time, and yell] NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! [At this moment, the WACSDAAG forces arrive on the scene.] [The Iguana pulls out a well read piece of paper and begins to read.] > Atheism is a Religion that .... [At this moment, Dave pushes the button of the Galactic Plot Device.] [The events that occur then are enough to grab the attention of even the Mighty Red Iguana, who loses his train of thought:] > Somebody > else finish the sentence. PUBLIUS > [Everyone] Oh, bugger. [What is going on? What will the Galactic Plot Device do? Where is the IPU and why didn't she reveal herself? Is this all part of Knowledgius' plan? Now that I've got everybody together, will I finish the story? Will I be able to tie all the loose threads in the one chapter that remains? Will people still like me after I'm done writing these? Some of these questions have answers, but they are unlikely to be revealed in the next episode of Red Iguana Noon: The Wrath of Knowledgius! Don't miss it!] ====================================================================== "It's not denial. I'm just very selective about what I accept as reality." --- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes") ====================================================================== Arturo Magidin magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu magidin@math.berkeley.edu [Knowledgius] I'm sorry, Your Pinkiness. I just couldn't resist having the Galactic Plot Device used. [IPU] [Knowledgius] Well, yes. I must admit I had a brief struggle with my conscience. Fortunately, ->I<- won!