From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 23 Date: 19 Sep 1994 22:08:49 GMT Message-ID: <35l25h$ili@agate.berkeley.edu> [In our last chapter, some fairly exciting things happened. Foremost among them was the revelation that: a) ->She<- is none other than Jayne Kulikauskas; and b) Knowledgius Objectivus is proposing something the IPU] [IPU foces] (pbuh) [ehr, right. In any case, we resume the action with: a) The WACSDAAG Forces following Stacy Prowell, Arch-Atheist, in a wild charge against the only defending wall of the Pube-Fort. A rather intersting tactic considering that: i) There are no walls in any other side of the Pube-Fort; and ii) Stryder, Angie, Dan, and Clark have succeeded in destroying the door with a former soviet tank. b) The Evil Atheist Scientists for a Better Tomorrow Society has seen the apparent attack by the Mighty Red Iguana and his Ferrety Companion, on the IPU Forces. And will soon charge to attack. c) Jayne Kulikauskas, another costumed hero, has appeared on the scene; d) Andrew Lias was just quoting Tolkien] [And now, back to out action] [Jason McBrayer] Look! That idiot Publius is attacking the IPU Forces! [Nick Munn] Well, even though we are not of the faithful, maybe we should help... [Dave Batchelor, hopefully] I could try to use the Galactic Plot Device? [Jason and Nick] NO! [Dave] Ok, ok. Shall we attack, then? [Paul King] Excellent idea. Let's go! [On the other side of the south side of the Pube Fort, Jayne has just stepped in between the attacking forces of the IPU Church and the Mighty Red Iguana, Defender of Religion, Admirer of Madison, Geneticist Without Peer, and his companion, the slightly corrupted Ferret Boy] [Publius, who was hoping to blast the IPU'ers into Oblivion (or at least into Ohio), is not happy] In article <34ckkl$11j3@tequesta.gate.net>, Publius wrote: > **************>>> [Ferret Boy covers his ears ast the use of such Foul Language] [Ferret Boy] Oh, no! He's using his Foul Language(tm)! He must really be desperate! What increadible powers does Jayne have? What amazing gadgets can she use to defeat us? [Jayne overhears this] [Jayne, to Ferret Boy] Well, to be fair, I do have a couple of gadgets he probably doesn't. [She looks in her pockets and triumphantly extracts a small implement, and points at it.] Like a teaspoon. [Puts it back in her pocket] Oh, and an open mind. [Ferret Boy] Well, I must admit you do have some gadgets we don't. You wouldn't happen to be looking for a sidekick, would you? [Jayne] Sorry, no. I'm here to defend his right to be heard, not to recruit teens dressed up in funny costumes. [Publius is extactic to see somebody willing to listen to him.] > OK! - [Andrew] Behold, Jayne, the Great Blue Book of Atheism, Holy Word of the Invisible Pink Unicorn! [He holds a Blue Book aloft] [Jayne] Yeah. So? [Mike] For here, in the Book of Oklahoma, it clearly states: "And you shall verily listen to him, even be he dressed as funny animals. But if he shall not come to the Horn in humility, the Horn shall come to him. And he won't like the part of the body the Horn will choose..." [Andrew is scanning the Book of Oklahoma] [Andrew] Well, it seems you have finally amended your ways. Using the Revised Standard Revised Revision, huh? [Mike] No. It looks like your book and mine do agree on a few chapters, though. [Jayne, to Publius] Will you have your say? > But I wishyou all would stop aggravating me. I'm trying to > stay away from your miserable Newsgroup. [Everyone is confused by this statement, since it is so easy to stay away from a Newsgroup, miserable or not.] [At this point, the Evil Atheist Scientists show up] [Dave] Look Jayne, I'm all in favor of freedom of expression, but he has been using pseudo-science left and right! He claimed atheists have a genetic disease to cause their atheism. [Jayne] What!? What is his evidence? [Nick Munn] Just wait to hear it. You couldn't make it more ridiculuos if you tried. [Publius is offended by this exchange. He tries to extricate himself from his own words.] > > I first called it a "genetic shortcoming" and I should have > stayed with that. [Paul] Interesting. Not that I can recall. Can anyone recall him calling it a "genetic shortcoming"? [Evil Scientists and IPU-ers] No. [Paul] See, lying won't help when we can scan your old messages. You know, you are elevating futility to a high art. > By your own claim, you are members of the Animal Kingdom - [Andrew] Not quite. The Holy Church of the Invisible Pink Unicorn, an animal, granted but... > having been made, according to the Egyptian Story of Creation > (Genesis One in the Bible), in the 'Sixth Day' of Creation. > What made you different from the other Orders of the Animal > Kingdom is that you are endowed with an 'Intellect' and > thus the ability to understand the Workings of the Physical > Universe and the ability to "subdue the Earth". [Jayne scratches her head in confusion] This could well be beyond my powers. [Turns to Andrew] Andrew, what is he talking about? [Andrew] Wish I knew. We've been trying to ascertain that since the day he first showed up in the Isle of Logis. [Ferret Boy] Har! Your puny minds are too puny to grasp his Great Concepts. > This is > what the Egyptians said and you confirm it with your > undeviating postings. [Ferret Boy] Of course they did. The egyptians were great, weren't they, Oh Mighty Iguana Of Redness? [Jayne] Ok, then what are you two? > A higher Order of Life, identified in the Bible by the Egyptians > with the code term "Sons of God" decided to improve the situation > by creating a New Order of Life on Earth with a genetic > modification. Taking on human form, and without disturbing the > System of Life on Earth, they "chose of the Daughters of Men" > certain ones and "had Children by them". [Mike] You know, the idea of Publius propagating and having Children borders on the horrific. > These progeny and their successors had a Spiritual Orientation > as well as an Intellectual. It is with their coming that > Birth of the series of Grand Cultures is accounted for. [Jayne] I see. What great cultures are you accounting for? > With only the Intellect at play, Karnak, Parthenon, the Gothic > Cathedral could never have existed - nor Perspective Painting, > Contrapuntal Music or the 'Force' idea of Western Physics. [Jayne, loudly since the Iguana obviously did not hear her] WHAT GREAT CULTURES ARE YOU ACCOUNTING FOR? [Andrew] Don't bother, Jayne. He has yet to answer to a straight question with a straight answer. [Ferret Boy] That is only to confuse you, dirty atheists! Rotten Corrupters of the Vector of Society! [Publius continues his lecture] > Because of what the "Children of God" have created and turned over > to you, instead of showing your appreciation all it has done > is given you Big Heads and the arrogant attitude that you can do > without us. [Jayne] Allow me to congratulate you, sir. You have the most totally closed mind that I've ever encountered. [Ferret Boy looks proud] And we love him for it! > I told you what the inevitable consequence would be: The Second > Law of Thermodynamics will take care of your Big Heads. [Jayne] I hope that wasn't a sexual reference, buster! > For us, no big deal since our "Kingdom is not of this Earth". [Ferret Boy] Exactly! Wait! "Not of this Earth"? You didn't say that when I was hired! You said we would control the world! That I could get Subscriptions to Penth... ehr to Magazines for free as Sidekick to the Greatest Hero Religion Has Ever Seen! This isn't fair! [Turns to Jayne] Are you sure you don't need a sidekick? > But we do love the Earth and would like a different ending. [Hey! I haven't even written the ending yet! How can you tell you would like a different one, pray tell?] [Meanwhile, Knowledgius Objectivus is courting the IPU] [Knowledgius] Yes, your Pinkinness. As you know, your forces are attempting to help my forces (WACSDAAG, at your service) destroy a little nuisance. Here let me show you... [He does a few grand and archane gestures in the air and suddenly a vision appears before them, showing Jayne, the IPU'ers, and the Evil Atheist Scientists facing each other] [Knowledgius] If you don't recall his name, don't worry. He likes the sound of it so much he repeats it without end. > PUBLIUS > [Knowledgius] See, I told you. [IPU] [Knowledgius] Yes, he does look ridiculuos, but he is a dire threat to the revectorization of society. [IPU] [Knowledgius] That invisible dialogue is a little hard to hear. Ah, yes. I know he can't even capitalize the words correctly. But you must believe me when I say that he is a threat! > P.S.- You deride my use of Capitalization. It is a mark of your > unimaginative ignorance that you can't grasp the fact that > I am doing this to be sure you take note of the special > significance of these words in their context [Knowledgius] What! This shouldn't be! He shouldn't be aware of my scrying! How could he? Oh no! He is even more powerful than I feared! Will you help me, IPU? [IPU] >*****************>>> [Knowledgius] Now, Publius, don't be a sour looser. If She wants to help me, she is perfectly free to do so.] [What enormous and previously untold power does Publius control? What will happen to Jayne? What is going on with the WACSDAAG forces? When will the Galactic Plot Device be activated? When will the next episode be written? And when will this ever end? Don't miss the next unedifying episode of Red Iguana Noon:The Wrath of Knowledgius, for a few answers to some other questions.] ====================================================================== "It's not denial. I'm just very selective about what I accept as reality." --- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes") ====================================================================== Arturo Magidin magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu magidin@math.berkeley.edu [Natalie] See, Knowledgius, you have to do that last semicircle ->counterclockwise<- You didn't cast a scrying, you casted a collect spell-call. [Knowledgius laughs evily] [Knowledgius] I know. And he accepted the charges!