From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 22 Date: 10 Sep 1994 06:51:00 GMT Message-ID: <34rl0k$ofo@agate.berkeley.edu> [In our last chapter lots of things happened. For more information, read it.] [Andrew Lias ->finally<- arrives to the scene. Having taken into heart his own introduction as Andrew X., "The Prophet" Lias, he now assures his followers that:] [Andrew] Fellow True IPU'ers and those of similar but heretical faiths nonetheless like you, Mike. We did not land on the Pube Fort. Rather, the Pube Fort landed on us! [Mike McAngus] Andrew, just because I don't aprove of the Standard Revised Standard Revision of the Big Blue Book is not sufficient reason for you to call me a heretic. Now, if I liked Pepperoni better than Ham and Pineapple, it would be a whole different pizza pie.... [Andrew] Well, I guess you're right. We did need one gratituos reference to the SRSR of the Big Blue Book on this chapter, though. [Mike] Granted, but why did it have to be at my expense? [Andrew] I don't know. Arturo, why did it have to be at his expense? [In the meantime, the Evil Atheist Scientists for a Bet] [Andrew] Don't change the subject! Why did it have to be at Mike's expense? I know he has the wrong translation, but I would expect better coming from you. [Look guys, it's late, and I really, really want to finish this before midnight. There's this Dr. Who episode I want to watch, and...] [Andrew] Fine. Just don't expect the sonic screwdriver in your decoder ring to work for the next couple of days, that's all. [As I was saying, in the meantime the Evil Atheist Scientists for a Better Tomorrow Society have seen the arrival of ->her<- into their camp. They are getting ready to attack the Pube Fort in support of the WACSDAAG Forces....] [... Who are not yet ready to attack.] [Stacy Prowell] As the Arch-Atheist, I think I should go ahead. [Angela Dyer] Well, Stacy, you know, you've been out of the loop so much lately that I'm not sure if we should really consider you Arch-Atheist anymore. I think the title should go to the person who has negotiated the most with our Arch-Enemy, the Red Iguana. [Stacy] WHAT!? [Angie] Ehr, sure, you can go first. [Stacy turns and looks into the Pube Fort. His finely tuned mind begins going through all possibilites of attack. His programmer instincts take over and he runs algorithms examining which angle of the Pube Fort should go next.] [After all of this, he decides that it's too much of a bother.] [Stacy] WACSDAAG FORCES! CHARGE!!!!! [Dan Johnson] "Ours is not to wonder why. Ours is but to do and die." [Stacy] Right! Now CHARGE! [In the interior of the Pube Fort, the ferrety Ferret Boy has noticed the charging WACSDAAG Forces] [He starts jumping up and down, and running in circles. He stares out one window, then another one, then another one! He looks for a way out. He feels like a trapped, dare I say it, mouse? No! Like a trapped Ferret! He grabs onto the Mighty Red Iguana's Mighty Crimsom Atheist-Fighting Costume, and begs] [Ferret Boy] Red Iguana! Red Iguana! Publius! We must escape! The WACSDAAG Forces! They are attacking! They've broken through the gate! Please! Let's go see what that priest-type in the back is doing! He looks friendly! Please? [Publius seems startled that the WACSDAAG Forces have indeed begun their attack. He did not expect this.] In article <330m6g$g5i@tequesta.gate.net>, Publius wrote: > > Oddly, before I noticed this [Ferret Boy is too scared of loosing his life to bother about standing on ceremony. Or on his Hero's Tail Costume, for that matter] [Ferret Boy] You just noticed this? What were you doing? > posting [Ferret Boy] Posting?! Posting?! That's it! I quit! Good bye! [Ferret turns to leave. At this moment, however, the Red Iguana also turns. His Mighty Tail in his Mighty Religion-Defender costume sweeps along the floor and knocks Ferret Boy flat on his back, since he ->was<- standing on it.] [Publius explains to his prone companion] > I posted an article > titled 'VIRTUAL REALITY'which touched on genetics and > Atheism. [Ferret Boy] Look, Publius, I don't really care anymore. If you want to live, we should leave. Let's go! Now! There will be other tomorrows. He who fights and flees lives to post another day! Come on! Come on! [Publius sees the glimmer of wisdom in his companions words. He is, after all, his companion, chosen because of the fact that his intellect is the only one close to approximate our Hero's own. He turns, and after taking a Paradox Sandwich for later, and a hand held Mozumderizer(tm), they both stalk off in the direction of the IPU forces.] [They reach the IPU Forces.] [Andrew] Halt. Who are you, and what do you believe in? > Ido believe Atheism is traceable to a genetic defect, > but 'natural selection' falls short of accounting for it. [Andrew] I see. Mike, fellow IPU'ers, after them! > If 'natural selection' was all it's cracked up to be, > 'Gays' would long since have disappeared because they do not > reproduce themselves - or did I miss something? - PUBLIUS > [Ferret Boy] You mean besides this mob trying to kill us? I would say yes, you did! [A figure drops from the sky, and interposes itself between the Mighty Red Iguana and the charging IPU'ers. Power emanates form it. Crackle and thunder roar as she lands. She is wearing a costume. On it, are the letters JK and underneath, in smaller type, the letters P and T.] [->She<- has arrived!] [Andrew] Who are you, who stand between the IPU [fellow IPU'ers] (pbuh) [Andrew] and Her prey? Stand not between the IPU [fellow IPU'ers] (pbuh) [Andrew] and the Iguana, lest we not face you in turn, and... [Mike] Not bad. But that would be Tolkien, not the Big Blue Book. [Andrew] Well, technically. But Arturo has been stealing left and right throughout the series anyway. I don't see why he should have all the fun. [Mysterious Figure] I am... [Mysterious Stranger] Jayne Kulikauskas, Pet Theist! [A stare of astonishment crosses everybody's face as ->her<- identity is finally revealed.] [What will happen next? Did I finish in time to go see Dr. Who? Where is the Galactic Plot Device, and what evil cosequences await its use? Where are the Evil Atheist Scientists for a Better Tomorrow? And what will become of Stacy's Charge? Will I stop asking stupid questions at the end of each episode? See the next Episode of Red Iguana Noon:The Wrath of Knowledgius, for some answers, although probably not to any of these questions.] ====================================================================== "It's not denial. I'm just very selective about what I accept as reality." --- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes") ====================================================================== Arturo Magidin magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu magidin@math.berkeley.edu [Knowledgius Objectivus] Your invisibleness? Is that you? [IPU] [Knowledgius] I see. Invisible words as well, huh? [IPU] [Knowledgius] Ha, ha! Yes indeed. Listen, I have a little proposition for you....