From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 21 Date: 3 Sep 1994 23:02:06 GMT Message-ID: <34av9e$k4s@agate.berkeley.edu> [We come back to action to find the IPU faithful being led by Andrew "The Prophet" Lias.] [Mike McAngus] Andrew, do you know where we're going? [Andrew] Of course I do! See, I'm following the Holy Invisible Word of Her Invisibleness, the Invisible Pink Unicorn... [A chorus of voices] (pbuh) [Andrew nods, and continues] As stated in the Book of Maps, Chapter -5, verse 3.1415926535... [Mike McAngus looks puzzled] "Book of Maps"? There is no such thing in the Big Blue Book of Atheism! HERESY! [Andrew draws himself up and faces the challenge] Mike. Stop it! Now! We are not starting this all over again. The official IPU doctrine, handed down from her Invisible Horn Itself (through me, Her Faithful Servant) is that the ->only<- True Version(tm) of the Big Blue Book is the New Standard Revised Standard Revision. Whether you want to or not, that's the way things will be while I'm in charge. [They continue on, and finally reach a deep ravine. There is a narrow bridge, and a hooded figure stands before it, preventing anyone from entering.] [Hooded Figure] Halt! Who are you who would pass? [Andrew] Andrew X., "The Prophet" Lias. Prophet to The IPU. What must we do to pass, and what may your name be? [Hooded Figure] My name may be "Tim", but then we could accuse the author of stealing too much out of Monty Python. So my name will be "Hooded Figure". To pass, you need only answer one question. If you fail, you will most assuredly die. [Andrew] Ask away! [Tim...ehr Hooded Figure] What is your favorite color? [Andrew thinks for a long time. Eventually, Ben Tilly moves up in the ranks, and speaks] [Ben] Andrew, this is taking too long. Let me answer. [Andrew] Ok, go ahead. [Ben] My favorite color, oh Hooded Creature, is... [The Hooded Figure waits expectantly.] [Ben] Pink! [The Hooded Figure keeps waiting] [Mike has a sudden flash of insight] [Mike] Invisible Pink, that is! [Hooded Figure] You may pass. [Mike smirks at Andrew] So, Andrew, where are your vaunted prophetic powers now? [Andrew] Shut up, Mike. We're late anyway. [The cross the bridge and continue on.] [Mike] Are you sure you know where we're going? [Andrew] Yes! See here, that little sign over there? What does it say? [Mike reads out loud] "Pube Fort. One Chapter in That Direction" I guess we ->are<- going the right way, and we won't be getting any more lines this chapter. [And right he is!] [We go back to the Pube Fort. Publius, the Mighty Red Iguana, has forsaken his Spellcasting persona. Ferret Boy has made a couple of 'in between chapters' calls to Magic Players Anonymous, and is now in full control of his wallet. They are checking in on their prisoner, Knowledgius Objectivus] [Ferret Boy] So, Knowledgius! What will you... Hey! He/she/it is gone! Where is he, oh Mighty Defender of The Vector Of Society? [Publius, The Red Iguana, Eater of the Paradox Sandwich, Holder of Titles, Defender of Madison, President for Life of the Pube Fort, etc. turns to his Erstwhile Faithful Companion and lectures him mercilessy:] In article <32risj$ode@tequesta.gate.net>, Publius wrote: > > As I said in various postings, God - that is, Life in its ultimate > configuration - exists independent of Time and Space. [Ferret Boy looks saddened by this revelation] I guess we wont be able to find him, then. We better make ready for the Defense of the Pube Fort! [Publius looks at him questioningly] [Ferret Boy] Well. For starters there is the WACSDAAG forces up front. Second, there seems to be a meeting of some sort going on in the back (you know, the back? That place where you decided it was better not to build a wall? Exactly. There.) And ... [his voice drops to a conspiratorial whisper] our mole in the Holy Church of the IPU has been unable to report. It seems they discovered somebody using the Decoder Rings in an inappropiate manner, and they are replacing them. They are being very careful, though. It's possible we might not be able to get our hands on one again. [Publius nods. He knows that it is unlikely such a ruse will work again. He ->is<- hopeful, though. And for good reason:] > Atheists, who by definition comprehend only that which is > supported by empirical data, can only visualize an Anthropomorphic > God and they believe in him whole-heartily if for no other > reason than that he makes a great target and punching-bag. [Ok, for a completely unintelligible reason. Hopeful he is, however.] [They both leave the auditorium and head back toward the roof.] [Suddenly, a great commotion, like the sound of a thousand thunderstorms discharging their electricity all at once, shakes the Pube Fort to it's deepest foundations!] [Ferret Boy panicks] [Ferret Boy] AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [But Publius excerts his indomitable Iguana Coolness, and puts a conforting hand in his sidekicks shoulder, calming him.] [Ferret Boy] What can we do? They are attacking! We're doomed! What can we do, what can we do? > Once a person grasps the Truth, [The Cool Voice(patent pending) of his Great Leader and Fearless Hero, penetrates the fog in Ferret Boy's clouded mind. He nods, recalling that he had, indeed, Grasped the Truth already. This will be brought up in the child molestation trial to be held in a parallel series, so we wont dwell on it.] [Publius, famous for giving strange nicknames to people and body parts alike, continues:] > that is, that Life has > Primacy over Matter [Another deep rumble shakes the Pube Fort and interrupts Publius] [What are these rumbles? We exit the Pube Fort to find that it was the arrival of an important personage. A character so mysterious and powerful that it has, up till now, been identified only by the monicker "->her<-". Or "->she<-". [Mysterious Character] Well, I'm here. Why was I called? [Astute readers will notice that this is, indeeed, the moment in which the last episode ended. So, technically speaking, up till now everything has been happening during the last five minutes of the last chapter.] [The Mysterious Stranger is facing the combined forces of the Vile Atheist Scientists for a Better Tomorrow Society, comprised of Jason McBryer, Dave Batchelor, Mark "The Adept" McCoullough, Pual King, and Nick Nunn. Holding the Galactic Plot Device, Dave Batchelor points an accusing finger at ->her<-] [Dave] Where have you been? You were told to report yourself here forthwith! [Mysterious Figure] My dear, I ->never<- report myself anywhere. Particularly ->not<- forthwith. [Chastised by the power emanating from ->her<-, Dave falls back, his trembling pale hands clutching the Galactic Plot Device.] [Jason] Well, what's important is that you are indeed here. We need your help. Do you need to know whats going on? [Mysterious Shape] Better not. You know I'm a very dangerous fellow when I don't know what I'm doing. [Out of the brilliant light surrounding the Mysterious Person, we manage to steal a glimpse of the costume it is wearing. It is indeed a costumed Character! And the glimpse we see is a large I (or is it a J?) and a smaller P underneath it...] [Out kleptomaniac glances are stopped cold by the action, however, which we now rejoin.] [Standing on top of the Pube Fort we see again the figure of our hero, the Crimsom-Clad Publius with his Ferretly-Clad Companion accompanying him. His Powerful Voice rips through the silence at the south end of the Fort, and through the commotion at the North (where the WACSDAAG Forces and trying to figure out how best to skin an Iguana for the rug Stacy Prowell came here to get) His powerful voice, full of wisdom, informs the forces arrayed, in quite futile gesture I might add, against him, that] > the Secret of Creation is only a secret in detail [Tony Lawrence] We know the "Secret of Creation", you nincompoot! You know, when I look at you I often wonder why your ancestors bothered to climb out of the primordial slime. > and the fact we don't understand the Process of Creation is > something we don't get an inferiority complex over. [Ferret Boy] Right! ->We<- get ->our<- inferiority complexes from elsewhere. So there! [He sticks ou his tongue in the general direction of the WACSDAAF forces.] > Life > is Everlasting [Dan Johnson whispers to Stryder] I thought that was the taste of Spearmint Gum? [Stryder] No. That's "Longlasting", not "everlasting". > and the Children of God know that their union with God > assures us of an other interesting configuration after this one. [Stacy Prowell shouts at Ferret Boy] Hey, Rodent Tyke! Has he been pulling this "intersting configuration" shit and "union with Children of God" stuff on you? You do know child molestation is a felony, don't you? [Ferret Boy looks confused for a minute, but then realizes this is but an attempt at confusing him. Besides, his attorney told him not to discuss the case with anybody. And that ->certainly<- includes Stacy Prowell, Arch-Atheist.] [Ferret Boy] There is only one person being bothered here. And it's you! And the one doing the bothering is... > PUBLIUS [Ferret Boy] Right! So There! [Stacy] Ferret Boy. I will give you One. Last. Chance. Surrender, or be defeated. [Ferret Boy starts thinking about this] [Who is ->her<-? What are her powers, besides changing the second part of her monicker in every sentence? Where is Knowledgius Objectivus, he/it/she of No Particular Race, Gender, or Sexual Orientation, and what are His/Her/Its shadowy plans against our hero? Will the IPU forces arrive in time to help the evil forces arrayed against the Mighty Iguana? Will Stacy's cat get a new rug? What terrifying consequences for the Universe will the use of the Galactic Plot Device bring on? Will the Galactic Plot Device be used? At all? Don't miss the next exciting episode of Red Iguana Noon:The Wrath of Knowledgius, coming your way hopefully quicker than this one did!] ====================================================================== "It's not denial. I'm just very selective about what I accept as reality." --- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes") ====================================================================== Arturo Magidin magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu magidin@math.berkeley.edu [Andrew Lias finally leads his forces into the battlefield.] [Andrew] Ok. First things first. But not necessarily in that order.