From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 2. Date: 4 Apr 1994 20:18:07 GMT Message-ID: <2npslv$b45@agate.berkeley.edu> [Last episode we saw the reappearance of that Sick Twisted Individual, He/She/It (?) Of No Particular Gender, Race or Sexual Orientation, the... uhm... oh yes! Vile Atheist God Knowledgius Objectivus, back from Never-Never Land and in the Isle of Logis. We also saw our hero, He Who Would Like to Live in the 18 Century and Yet Believes in Star Trek, Publius, the Might Red Iguana, send his loyal Ever Faithful sidekick, Rode... ehr, Ferret Boy to investigate the strange happenings at the Pube Fort.] [Although Ferret Boy doubts it, our Hero knows that Knowledgius, whom we thought defeated, is behind the recent troubles at the Pube Fort, having received an unmistakeable message from his DNA telling him so. Ferret Boy is on his way to investigate this at the Isle of Logis.] [We join our hero's sidekick on board the Pubesmobile, currently traveling over the ocean. With him are two Nameless Red Shirts(tm), security officers from the Pube Fort for protection of our hero's Ever-Loyal friend] [Ferret Boy] I think we are getting close to Isle of Logis. This map that our Fearless Leader, the Defender of Madison, Bane of Atheist, Publius the Red Iguana, gave us clearly shows that the Isle of Logis is... [looks closer at the map in his hand] ..."wherever I define it to be"! Which means it must be really c... [Ferret boy]...lose. Looks like we're here. Don't worry, I'm sure the Pubesmobile isn't nearly as damaged as that palm tree. OK, let's go investigate! [The two Nameless Red Shirts jump off the boat, without any consideration of what usually happens to Nameless Red Shirts when you go exploring. Ferret Boy follows closely behind, his Pocket Anti-Nomologizer ready in his hand, looking hither and ... the other way too] [Ferret Boy] Wait! I think I hear something! [On the distance, the voice of Dan Johnson can be heard, saying] Well, Stacy isn't usually wrong. If Stacy says someone was quoting Anselm, then someone was quoting Anselm! And I'll listen to no more complaints, or you can just forget your bit part in the Storming the Pearly Gates Saga! [Ferret Boy] Quickly, Hide! It's those damn Autonomous Men (hack, hack, coff, coff)! [Ferret Boy and Nameless Red Shirt #1 promtply hide behind some bushes. Nameless Red Shirt #2 attempts to hide by standing very still and pretending to be a bush] [Dan, getting closer] Well, this is the spot. Let's look around and see if we can find anything. Careful with that Nameless Red Shirt, Angee... What! Wait a second! [Angela Dyer takes out her copy of the FAQ and waves it menacingly at the Red Shirt] Who are you? What are you doing here? Have you hurt any animals lately, you scumbucket? [Dan] Easy, Angee. Ok, What's your name, boy. [Nameless Redshirt #2] Nameless Redshirt #2. [Dan] Trying to get cute, huh? Well, you'd better come with us then! We'll teach you how to think right! Har, har! [Brandishing copies of the FAQ at Nameless Redshirt #2, the band of lurkers coming up behind Dan and Angela herd him back to their Base of Operations] [Ferret Boy] I told Publius to send somebody with a Blue Shirt! Oh well, I guess I'll better report. [Ferret Boy takes out of the hidden pocket of his suit a PubeCommunicator (patent pending). The little screen flashes to life, and the image of the Mighty Red Iguana of Life-Oriented Religions appears on the Screen. [Ferret Boy] We have lost one member of the team. Repeat, we have lost one member of the team. Ferret Boy out! [Ferret Boy] I guess we better get on exploring. If Knowledgius is anywhere around, we'll find him! [Voiceover] The 1994 edition of 'Let's Go:Isle of Logis' says that the Isle of Logis is a very small island, lying near the Straights of Alt in the Seas of Internet. It adds that nothing of interest can be found in the Isle of Logis, except for the nice beach and the Atheistic Base of Operations and Skeptic Hotline. It also says that the island can be totally explored in about 15 minutes, but only if you do not go around in circles. [Three hours later, Ferret Boy reappears with Nameless Redshirt #1 in the same spot, for the n-th time] Boy, this is really a Big Island, isn't it? [Waiting, sitting on a stone, is a figure clad in blue, of No Particular Gender, Race, or Sexual Orientation. Yes! It's the arch-fiend, Knowledgius Objectivus...] [Knowledgius looks up] [->Vile<- Atheist God] [Knowledgius looks satisfied and returns his/her/its attention to the sweaty Ferret Boy] [Knowledgius] Halt! [Blue flashes of light issue forth from his finger; a circle of pure blue Logical Thought now surrounds our heroes, preventing their escape] [Knowledgius slowly approaches the two men; looks closely at Nameless Redshirt #1] You, I don't know. [Now looks closely at Ferret Boy, who is squirming uncomfortably, trying to avoid the rays of Logical Thought that surround him] You, I know. I *never* forget a face. How are you, John? [Ferret Boy] It's FERRET BOY, you Vile Atheist God! [Knowledgius] Well, I never forget a face... Unfortunately I'm not very good remembering names, Rodent Tyke. How fares the "mighty" Red Iguana? [Ferret Boy] As if you don't know, you --- [synonims failed him] Vile Atheist God! You dropped a roof on his followers! [Knowledgius] Who, me? You are surely mistaken. [To the Nameless Redshirt] Has Rodent Tyke ever told you the story of how the mighty Red Iguana traitorously defeated Knowledgius Objectivus? [Nameless Redshirt #1] No, he hasn't. [Knowledgius] Well, my boy! Let me tell you... [Knowledgius launches off explaining his previous escapades. Meanwhile, Ferret Boy takes the PubeCommunicator and switches it on] [Ferret Boy whispers into the PubeCommunicator] Red Iguana! Help! I'm being held prisoner by Knowledgius! Help! [Knowledgius to Red Shirt] And then this ... Homo Sapiens, name of Dan, shouts something and throws a FAQ at *me*! Says I'm not real! Can you believe this! In article <2nftl2$ine@inca.gate.net>, Publius wrote: > > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > I myself wonder if I'm 'real'. [Ferret Boy whispers at the PubeCommunicator] Publius! What are you doing? First, Knowledgius will realize you are listening. Second, I thought that visit to the therapist cured you of that "I'm not real" stuff... [Knowledgius] What are you saying, Rodent Tyke? What's that you are holding? [Ferret Boy] Huh, nothing... Really.... [Knowledgius takes the PubeCommunicator from Ferret Boy] Aha, a PubeCommunicator! [Looks at the little screen] Well, Lizard, what have you got to say for yourself? You thought I was defeated, did you not? > More and more I'm > beginning to think I'm the 'Flying Dutchman' [Ferret Boy] Oh, God! I hope he doesn't try that trapeze act again! Last time he broke a leg and destroyed his Iguana Costume. > conmdemned to eternally sail the Seas of Internet, [Knowledgius] Oh, so you are close by, are you? > never 'making port' [Ferret Boy to Knowledgius] You know how it is. With the deficit so high the Goverment is now charging exorbitant fees to dock anywhere, and since our funds are not... [Knowledgius] Silence, Little Rodent! [To the screen] Well, I'm back, and I'm here to stay! And I'll make you pay for what you did to me. > - as punishment for uttering > the unforgivable heresy [Knowledgius] You? Punish Me? Har! You caught me distracted last time, but it won't happen again. What will you be doing until we meet? Quaking in your boots? > - asserting that Atheism > is a Religion whose 'God' is [Knowledgius] Me! Knowledgius Objectivus, Vile Atheist God! > the composite of the > workings of the Laws of Physics and Chemistry. > [Knowledgius blushes] Well, that's whay my mom used to call me... >p PUBLIUS > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ [The PubeCommunicator's screen goes blank] [Knowledgius] Publius! Publius! Where are you? Didn't you hear me just a second ago? [Shouts at the PubeComm] I'm BACK! I'm here to DESTROY YOU! [Ferret Boy] You won't be able to get his attention. When he is in that 'Flying Dutchman' mood the only thing he cares about are safety nets... [Meanwhile, Nameless Red Shirt #1, trying to get Ferret Boy in between him and Knowledgius, attempts to leave the Circle Of Logical Thought that surrounds him...] <*poof*> [... and disappears in a flash of light, thus fulfilling his destiny as a Nameless Red Shirt] [Knowledgius] Well, that's what happens when anti-thought collides with thought. In any case, my plans didn't contemplate *him*. [Ferret Boy squirms and looks very frightened] Your p-p-p-p-plans? [Knowledgius] Yes. Since your Red Iguana used my followers to destroy me, I'll use you to destroy him... [An ear-to-ear smile now decorates Knowledgius face] [What is Knowledgius' plan? What will he/she/it do to Ever-Faithful Ferret Boy? Will Publius attempt a Triple Jump or be content with swinging on a trapeze? Will these episodes get shorter and get to the posts quicker? Tune in for the next episode of Red Iguana Noon:The Wrath of Knowledgius, and find out!] ====================================================================== "It's not denial. I'm just very selective about what I accept as reality." --- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes") ====================================================================== Arturo Magidin magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu magidin@math.berkeley.edu