From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 19 Date: 9 Aug 1994 18:47:21 GMT Message-ID: <328ivp$phr@agate.berkeley.edu> [In a forgotten laboratory in a forgotten building hidden deep inside a forgotten city lie the HQ of the Vile Atheist Scientists For a Better Tomorrow Society. Inside, Jason McBryer and Dave Batchelor are finalizing their plans for their part in the Final Assault on the Pube Fort.] [Dave] Well, I've called the Adept, Nick Noon, and Paul King. They will meet us there. [Jason] Good job. And I've already notified... [dramatic pause] ->her<-. [Dave sighs and nods sadly; he did not desire to call ->her<- but understands there is no available option if they are to defeat the Might of the Mighty Red Iguana] [Dave] Well, what are you waiting for, let's go! [They leave hurredly, taking the important Galactic Plot Device with them] [Meanwhile, in a remembered building in plain view, shallow on the streets of a very well known city, we find a figure dressed in the green robes of Unicorn Priesthood, addressing the crowd of his companions] [Andrew Lias] Friends, fellow IPU'ers (prophets and laypersons alike), we face the hour of truth. As written in the book of Hooves, "For see that the Iguana shall come upon us and pretend to lay destruction. And indeed he shall appear as a bumbling fool, ferrets his only company. But when he is about to obtain victory I shall Not Appear and lead my forces into battle". [Mike McAngus is leafing furiously through his own copy of the Big Blue Book] Ehr, Andrew... Which chapter are you talking about here? [Andrew glares at Mike] I thought it was pretty clear. This is Chapter 22 and a half. [Mike finds the adequate page, and frowns] I'm sorry, but you seem to have been reading in the wrong place. What I have here are remarks about cocodriles and mice. [Andrew] Mike, how many times have I told you? The New Revised Formerly MisTranslated Version of the Big Blue Book is no good! Only the New Standard Revised Standard Revision contains the words of the Invisible Pink Unicorn (pbuh) in their original meaning! [Mike stands up and shouts] Heresy! How dare you utter such words in this, her holy place of worship? Next think you'll be bringing in a Veggie Pizza! [Crowd] Ooooooooh! [Jim Perry stands up and interposes his body in between the battling prophets] Gentlemen, this fight is pointless. I think we all agree that it is in our best interest, and that of the IPU (pbuh) that we roll in force and face this despicable Red Iguana and his companion Ferret Boy, who threaten to modify our modifications to the Vector of Society. Whether or not we can justify it by the words of the IPU (pbuh) is immaterial (just as She is). [The crowd assents in silence] [David Hanley, the Man in Black, stands up solemnly] Being the only one of our number who has seen the Pube Fort and come back to tell the tale, I think it is my duty to explain what I have seen. [Mike] Big deal! You're the only one of our number who has gone there! [David Hanley glares at him] Like I said, being the only one who has seen it and come back to tell the tale, I will now tell you what I think is the best way to approach it. [He takes out an aerial photograph of the Pube Fort] [David] As you can see, the Main Gate is heavily defended by guard towers, trenches, and the partially completed moat. It would be almost impossible to go through it... unless of course we had something like a soviet tank. I think therefore, that our best shot is to attack from the south. [Jim] Why the south? [David] Because that idiot Red Iguana forgot to build the wall ->encircling<- his fort! It only covers the North! [Jim] Ah. I see your point. [We leave the Holy IPU Forces to their planning] [Meanwhile, in north side of the Pube Fort, Stacy Prowell is slowly approaching the former soviet tank he has just attempted to destroy. Waiting for him on the tank are Angela Dyer, Timothy Lehnerer, Stryder, Dan Johnson, and Clark Adams.] [Stacy] Stryder, I'll kill you with my bare hands! [Stryder] It was Dan's idea! Really! [Suddenly, the remainder of the WACSDAAG forces runs to stop this intra-mural fighting. They are lead by the indomitable Tony Lawrence] [Tony] Now, now. I think we all realize that this in-fighting only plays into the Crimsom Lizard's hand. I say we stop it right now, and concentrate our efforts on destroying him once and for all. Do I hear a second for the motion? [He looks around] [Clark] Tony, much as I am in favor of organization, and Parliamentary procedure and everything, I think it's out of place here. Let's just take a quick voice vote, ok. All those in favor? [Everyone but Stacy] Aye! [Clark] Motion carried. Stacy, are you willing to reassume your position of leadership? Are you ready to take on the man who called you Stupid? [Stacy suddenly remembers why they are all here. To get a new rug for his cat, made out of a silly Iguana costume]. [Stacy, slowly] Yes I am... But don't think I've forgotten this, Stryder! Or you, Dan! [Tim] Well, it looks like we solved this little difficulty to our satisfaction. Let's see if we can manage to beat the Iguana now, shall we? [Dan, Stacy, and Tony, together] Nice margins! I forgot how good you were. [They look at each other and then burst out laughing] [Meanwhile, back at the Pube Fort, we left the shadow of Ferret Boy about to backstab the shadow of the Mighty Red Iguana, due to the unholy influence of Knowledgius Objectivus, Vile Atheist God, who has hypnotized the poor Companion] [Just as the knife starts descending, the Iguana notices the shadows and throws himself on the floor! He rolls expertly away from the attacking ferret...] [... and falls down the stairs he has just climbed] [Ferret Boy hits the floor; as per instructions, he snaps out of the hypnotic trance as soon as the attempt is over] [Ferret Boy shakes his head in confusion] What am I doing here? What's going on? [He looks down the stairs and sees the body of His Hero sprawled on the floor] Publius, are you OK? [Publius painfully picks himself up, and points an accusing finger at Knowledgius, who is still in a cage in the middle of the auditorium] In article <31gn44$e5a@tequesta.gate.net>, Publius wrote: > > It is obvious from this and all the preceding follow-ups to > this "Atheism not a religion" Thread that you are all > thoroughly demoralized, with no place to hide. [Knowledgius] Well, what is obvious is that there is something wrong with your 'Loyal' companion. In fact, we are not demoralized. And the reason we are not hiding is that even now, as we speak, my Atheist forces are coming together to lay siege and destroy this place! As to your stupid little cages, they only hold me because I allow them to. > To firm up you wretched situation I hereby - by the authority > of the Founder of the Christian Religion - cast this 'Spell' > on you all that will follow you for the rest of your days: [Knowledgius suddenly looks afraid. He/she/it knows not what mystical powers the Mighty Crimsom Lizard of Religiosity has tapped into, and a good Fireball or Lightning Bolt could cook him/her/it out of existence if he/it/she fails its/his/her saving throw. He snaps his fingers and says] [Knowledgius] Well, it's been fun stopping by. Ta-ta, and don't forget to mention the "Game of the Gods" a couple more times, you hear? [He dissappears, expertly] [Publius will not be denied. He climbs the stairs, and climbs to very top of the tallest building of the Pube Fort, followed by the Ever Loyal Ferret Boy. He face the WACSDAAG forces, who have just agreed to get together and attack him again, and repeats his defiant threat] > To firm up you wretched situation I hereby - by the authority > of the Founder of the Christian Religion - cast this 'Spell' > on you all that will follow you for the rest of your days: [Ferret Boy] Yay! Viva Publius! Cast a good Hurricane (only three green mana!) or a Wrath of God! Yes, that's it, cast Wrath of God! You do have enough white mana, right? [The atheist forces look in disdain and puzzlement at this.] [Dan] Doesn't the KJV of the Bible say something about not letting witches live? How come this guy is now casting spells? [Ferret Boy] Because of the Loophole, you Vile Atheist! He's not technically a witch! He's a warlock! [Dan] Technicalities! I'll bet you want to be a lawyer when you grow up. [Publius prepares himself for his incantation. He draws himself up, and chants] > "Whenever you think of or write the year-date you will think of > the word "Christ", whose Name and Personality lies at > 'Ground Zero' of the Christian Age and the Christian > Culture of which you are ungrateful beneficiaries. [Stacy] Wasn't he born somewhere around 7 B.C.E.? And last time I checked, there was no year zero... [Tony shouts up to the Lizard] You know, the mere thought hasn't even begun to speculate about the merest possibility of crossing your mind, or what little there is to it, but ... [Publius interrupts, to cast the second clause of his spell] > Further, if you try to console yourselves by thinking of > this as the 'Common Era' you will still think of "Christ", > infuriated by the knowledge that there is no other > origin of our dating system." [Tony desists] Idiot. Beyond redemption. No sense in arguing. > This is to teach you the lesson that you can't fool with - > PUBLIUS [Is Publius' spell working? Will atheists be forever bound by this terrible spell? Can they do anything? Will the Holy IPU Forces be able to dispell it? And who is the Mysterious She that the Evil Atheist Scientists For a Better Tomorrow have summoned? How will this all end? Will I be able to keep it up for 6 more chapters? For some of this exciting answers, and even more annoying questions, don't miss the next episode of Red Iguana Noon: The Wrath of Knowledgius!] ====================================================================== "It's not denial. I'm just very selective about what I accept as reality." --- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes") ====================================================================== Arturo Magidin magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu magidin@math.berkeley.edu [Ferret Boy starts pulling on the edge of the Iguana Costume] [Ferret Boy] Ehr, Red Iguana? I think Wrath of God would have been a little more effective...