From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu Subject: Red Iguana Noon Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 18 Date: 16 Jul 1994 21:17:09 GMT Message-ID: <309iol$cdc@agate.berkeley.edu> [We begin our action in a cramped laboratory, filled with glass thingamajigs, colorful liquids, and a giant Jacob Ladder for effects; as you can all see, this particular Mad Scientist Laboratory has been decorated by Hollywood] [In one corner, hunched over a microscope, is a white-robed figure he seems to be mumbling something to a strange apparatus which is placed directly over his ear...] [Jason McBrayer] Yes, yes. You heard right. A large Ham and Pineapple Pizza, to be delivered to the headquarters of the Vile Atheistic Scientists for a Better Tomorrow Society. Care of Jason McBrayer. And if it's not here in thirty minutes, I'll have to use our Orbital Mind Altering satellites to make you an atheist! [Jason hangs up the phone, and calls to his Vile companion] [Jason] Hey, Dave, pizza is on it's way! Has anything interesting happened so far? [Dave Batchelor] Well, last I knew Stacy Prowell had fired a bazooka at the tank, that Red Iguana had captured that strange man/woman/person who calls himself/herself/itself Knowledgius Objectivus, Vile Atheist God . Of course almost a month has gone by since then, so I guess I'll have to say "no". [Hey! Some of us have other things to do besides conquering the world, you know!] [Dave] Like what? [Changing the subject, they hear a knock on the door] [Jason] Who is there? [Dave] I will not allow our first appearance in this series to devolve into a stupid Knock Knock joke! Besides, it's probably the pizza. [Dave opens the door, to find a man dressed in black holding out his hand] [Man in Black] Is this the HQ of the Vile Atheistic Scientists for a Better Tomorrow Society? [Dave] Yes. [Man in Black] I have something for Jason McBrayer and Dave Batchelor. [Dave ponders for a second] I know that voice... [Man in Black] Here, compliments of Andrew Lias. [He stretches forth his right hand, which is holding two silver Atheist Conspiracy Decoder Rings(tm)] [Dave, suspiciously] David? David Hanley? Is that you? [Man in Black] Damn! You recognized me! [Jason] David Hanley? Well, your dress habits certainly haven't changed since you left us. What is it you've got there? [David] Oh, it's two Decoder Rings. Andrew is trying to get one to everyone. This way he can communicate with all of us without having the theists understand us (not that they usually do, mind you). [Jason] Oh, well. They look cool. [Jason and Dave take their rings, and put them on. They turn towards the door and notice that David is gone] [Jason] Oh well. At least it looks like the action is picking up again. Let's go watch what's going on, shall we? [Dave] Sure. [Dave turns on the Vile Atheist Scientists Vid-Screen. We see in it a captive Knowledgius. Standing in front of him, gloating, are two figures clad in funny animal costumes. One crimsom red, the other dark brown.] [Yes! It's the Mighty Red Iguana, Defender of Religion, Knower Extraordinaire, and his Faithfull Companion, Ferret Boy!] [The Red Iguana has placed Knowledgius in a cell in the middle of the underground auditorium in the Pube Fort. The auditorium was designed to fit every single one of the Red Iguana's legions of admirers while he stands on the podium.] [Behind the podium we see two red flags with white cirles on them and a swastika painted in the middle. The red iguana is also wearing a replica of an SS captain hat, and an armband with the nazi symbol] [In the podium is the cage with Knowledgius. The only two seats in the auditorium are occupied by the Red Iguana and Ferret Boy] [Knowledgius] Don't you think this is a little over the top, Publius? I think there is a clear undercurrent of anti-semitism to be found here. In article <2v3u9u$lkp@tequesta.gate.net>, Publius wrote: > > "...an undercurrent of anti-semitism.. "? [Ferret Boy] I believe that is what he said, Mein Fuehrer. [The Red Iguana turns towards his companion] > I note more than > an undercurrent of anti-christianism in your postings. [Ferret Boy looks ->very<- confused] My postings? But I only forwarded yours? I know that the people in soc.religion.misc really hate your guts and everything, and they say you are bashing christians pretending to be one, but if so, it's your fault! [The Red Iguana waves away this silly (and sad) commentaries that explain why the auditorium only has two seats. He takes, from his Iguana-Pack, a copy of a well-thumbed magazine, titled "Commentary", published by the Moral Minority] > Reading "Commentary" I note more and more Jews are advancing > the idea that the survival of the Jews depends on the > survival of the Christians - specifically Western Man. [Knowledgius] What did you expect from the Moral Minority? They have the same stupid nomenclature you use! > That also is the thrust of my 'Game of the Gods" thesis. [At the mention of the Game of the Gods two things happen simultaneously. Knowledgius' face splits into an ear-to-ear grin, and Ferret Boy's eyes glaze over] [And you thought I wouldn't use this plot device again!] [Ferret Boy stands up and heads toward the exit] [Thinking he has been misunderstood, Publius explains the use of his terms to his companion] > I use the terms 'Jew' and 'Christian' in their racial > and religious sense. Anything wrong in that? [There is no response from the now non-responsive side-kick] [Publius stands up to follow Ferret Boy, but is about to hurl one final insult in the Atheist God's face:] > When you > declared yourself an Atheist, did that make you less a Jew? [And a mighty ineffective insult it turns out to be. Knowledgius falls to ground laughing and gasping for air] [Knowledgius] Hahahahahah! A Jew? Me? He! The Atheist God? Aren't you confusing somethings, my little pet? hahahahahahahaha! [Publius grimaces at the lack of effectiveness of his taunts, and heads toward the exit] [But before leaving, he turns toward the imprisoned atheist God and says] > >I'm flattered the way you jump on my typographical errors. >Sub-consciously, you have to prove I am not perfect >notwithstanding all the evidence to the contrary. [Saying this, he turns towards the door...] [...and bangs himself full on the face, since he forgot to open it before leaving. This sends Knowledgius into further convultions of laughter] [Knowledgius] Per fect! You know, I think I have more fun listening to you than plotting your downfall! [Publius disdainfully exits the room, turning off the light as he does so. The contributions haven't exactly been pouring in, and the Pube Fort's treasury is almost depleted. He must save on energy bills.] [As he reaches the top of the stairs, he finds Ferret Boy holding something and muttering gibberish] [Ferret Boy] Agog, mah su gog, guefghe mah gog. > >'Gog and Magog' are doing well! [Answers Publius, misinterpreting the comments completely] [At this point, Dave Batchelor turns to Jason] [Dave] This is terrible! It looks like the Iguana is about to win! We should do something! [Jason] Right! Call Mark McCollough and tell him to meet us there! You should also call Nick Noon. He usually has good one-liners. We have to do something! [Dave picks up the phone and starts dialing Adept's phone number] [Dave] You think that'll be enough? [Jason] You're right. While you call Mark I will place another call. I think it is time to call ... [dramatic pause] ... ->her<-. [Dave looks up startled] Her! You think things are that bad? [Jason] I'm sure they are. [He leaves the room] [Meanwhile in the Pube Fort] [We hear the sound of bazooka fire hitting a formerly communist tank] [Publius starts at the sound, thinking it is an attack on the Pube Fort. He turns towards his companion, and says:] > They think they have us on >the run. But just keep in mind what happened to them >as stated in Chapter 20 [Chapter 20? We're only in chapter 18!, Gloriously Red Iguana of Redness] [The Red Iguana glares at the narrator for interrupting with silly facts] > of the Book of Revelation and >in my "ELEVENTH HOUR". Have fun - PUBLIUS [Oh! My mistake!] [Publius turns his back towards Ferret Boy, intent on going towards his arsenal to face the WACSDAAG threat] [We see, in the wall, the two shadows of our heroes. The smaller, furrier shadow rises his right arm, which has grasped in it what looks like a prop from 'Psycho'. He slowly approaches our hero...] [Don't you just hate cliffhangers? Well, we have one here. Will Ferret Boy stab Publius on the back? Will Knowledgius collect himself/itself/herself long enough to escape? Who is the mysterious "Her" that the Vile Atheist Scientists For a Better Tomorrow are calling? What can they possibly do? Don't miss the next exciting episode of Red Iguana Noon, The Wrath of Knowledgius!] ====================================================================== "It's not denial. I'm just very selective about what I accept as reality." --- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes") ====================================================================== Arturo Magidin magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu magidin@math.berkeley.edu [Stryder] Well, ->I'm<- not hurt. How's everyone else? [Angee] I hate to admit it, but this is a pretty good tank. I'm fine. Dan? Clark? [Dan] Ok here. [Clark] No problem. [In the distance is Stacy Prowell] [Stacy] Oh well, I guess I'll have to strangle them with my bare hands instead.