From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 17 Date: 15 Jun 1994 20:13:27 GMT Message-ID: <2tnnd7$5j4@agate.berkeley.edu> [When we last saw our hero, Rejected By Universities, Master Historian, Repeater of Truths (Ad Nauseaum), User of Pseudonyms, Eater of the Paradox Sandwich, The Mighty and Very Difficult to Beat Red Iguana, he had not only escaped from the Blue Logical Thought cage in which Knowledgius had imprisoned him, he had not only reunited with his almost faithful companion Ferret Boy, he had not only managed to knock Knowledgius unconcious with Mighty Argumentations(tm), he had not only fixed his broken nose, but he had also heard the tank of the WACSDAAG forces come crashing down his House of Cards, ehr, I mean the Pube Fort Gate.] [Ferret Boy starts prancing and jumping around Publius, displaying his ferrety nature] [Ferret Boy] Publius! Publius! The atheists are coming! The atheists are coming! They crashed down the gate! [Publius, that master of coolness, that Iceberg Among Superheroes, calmly approaches the window and peers out. This is what he sees and hears:] [Dan Johnson] Look out, everybody! It's Stacy! Brace for impact! [The WACSDAAG forces in the tank, Angela Dyer, Dan Johnson, Clark Adams, Stryder, and newcomer Tim Lehnerer, watch as Stacy Prowell appraches, a single thought in his mind:] [Stacy's Mind] You'll pay for that, Stryder! [Well, now that we have seen a few of the atheists and mentioned their names, we can go back to the inside of the Pube Fort] [Inside the Pube Fort, the Mighty Red Iguana, Defender of Life- Oriented Religions, Admirer of The Egyptian Obelisk, has seen enough. He gives out a sigh of contempt at the Atheist Forces arrayed against him, and turns back to his office.] [Knowledgius has, meanwhile, disappeared!] [Ferret Boy] Publius! He's, I mean She's, ehr it's. Oh, hell! (Sorry Red Iguana, won't happen again; yes, I know what happens to blasphemers: They get to read your full thesis). I mean Knowledgius is gone! [Publius does not answer. He mereley looks slightly amused and walks purposely to his library] [Ferret Boy] What's going on? Where are you going? [They enter the library, only to see Knowledgius struggling with the door in the library] [Knowledgius] I don't understand what is wrong with this damn door! Open, dammit! Open! Open! In article <2sj2qn$ktd@inca.gate.net>, Publius wrote: > > I'm afraid this escape route is blocked. > [Ferret Boy] Yes! Har, you Corrupter of the Vector of Society! You Silly Excuse For a Linear Transformation! The destruction your Atheists have brought on this place has prevented you from escaping! There's debris blocking the other side of that door! Har again! Oh, Great and Magnificent Publius! I see now that you have always been right! Atheism ->does<- turn in on itself! [Knowledgius turns around, his/its/her face a shade of red very similar to that of the Red Iguana's scarlet Iguana costume] [Knowledgius] Why, you little...tiresome... Rodent Tyke! I don't care if you are still programmed to do my bidding! I will destroy you here and now! [An inhuman growl of rage forces its way up the Atheist God's thorat, as he/she/it points her/its/his Godly Right Index Finger in Ferret Boy's direction] [Ferret Boy] Programmed? By you? What could that mean? [The innocent Ferret Boy does not have time to ponder this momentous revelation, for a flash of blinding blue light has emerged from Knowledgius's Godly Right Index Finger and is heading in his direction!] [Knowledgius] I'll see you in Hell, next time I go have Fish 'n Chips with Lucifer, Rodent Tyke! [Publius interposes his Iguana-suited Body in the path of the blinding blue light...] [...which dissapears in a puff of purple smoke when it hits our Mighty Hero's Costume!] [Or should that be "... our Hero's Mighty Costume"?] [Publius shakes his head at Knowledgius and says, slowly and deliberately, like a professor talking to a stupid child:] > 'Satanism' is a form of 'popular religion'. [Knowledgius] Who said anything about satanism? It was a figure of speech, you moron! [Knowledgius attempts to harm the Mighty Iguana and His Companion Ferret Boy again, by hurling flashes of light at them. Blue! Red! Yellow! Green! White! They all meet the Mighty Iguana Constume and dissipate. In a desperate attempt, the Atheist God hurls his ultimate weapon, a second-cousing-twice-removed-on-its-mother's-side of the infamous Omega-Effect of evil Darkseid (a note to non-comics readers; even if you read comics this would make little to no sense), a flash of Black Light(tm)!] [Which again dissipates in our Mighty Hero's Scarlet Costume] [His voice full of contempt at the Atheist God's impotence, the Red Iguana reache into his Iguana Utility Belt and pulls out a voluminous book, titled:] _The_Game_Of_The_Gods_ _A_Thesis_ by Stanley F. Nizenki [The Iguana tosses it towards the confused Deadly Enemy of Religion, and says] > And if you read my thesis > carefully (You'd better) [Knowledgius] Oh, yeah? Well, you'd better... you'd better... [words failed Knowledgius, who now has to rely on growls]... grrrrrrrooooooowl! > you would have seen that my definition > of 'Satan' does not find favor in 'popular religion'. [Publius smiles an angelic smile, while Ferret Boy scratches his head at the strange use of tenses in the last phrase] [Ferret Boy] Ehr, Iguana of Redness? Not that I'm not grateful to you for saving my life and all, but could you explain your use of tenses in that last phrase? You use "read" and "you'd", so I assume you are using the present tense of "read" and telling him what to do. However, then you say "you would have seen", as though you are rebuking him for not reading it earlier... Do you mean to say... [Publius turns around and shouts at his companion] > You know very well what I'm talking about. [Ferret Boy] Ok, ok! [He mutters to himself] I should have known better than to question him. He is very intolerant when he wins. He becomes smug and incapable of admitting to a mistake.... Well, now that I think about it, that's the way he gets when he looses as well! And when he ties! I guess that's his personality... I knew I should have accepted Batman's offer and become Robin... [Publius does not hear this complaint at his way of treating sidekicks. He is too busy enjoying himself immensely at the Atheist God's impotence] [Knowledgius] You know, I'm getting tired of you using that word. I am not impotent! If you don't believe me, go ask Aphrodite or something! I can swing with the best of them... It's just that I didn't have a condom with me last time I was alone with her, and you know, all this talk of AIDS and so on has me a bit worried: You know how many people ->she's<- slept with in the last millenium? [Knowledgius adds] A disclaimer on the last one. This does not imply that I am male. As everybody should know by now, I am Of No Particular Race, Gender, or Sexual Orientation(tm). You can also ask Thor about my prowesses. And, I would have been just as offended had the writer accused me of being frigid. Is that clear? [Ok. Publius is too busy enjoying himself immensely because the Atheist God cannot escape him] [Knowledgius] Ok. Much Better. [Publius adds] > Start sweating. > PUBLIUS [Knowledigus] You know, Lizard, you should really stop repeating your assumed name so often. It is begining to become a little annoying. [Ferret Boy] And what are you going to do about it? Har! [Knowledigus] Shut up, Rodent Tyke! [What will happen next? Will Knowledgius sweat, or will she/he/it enjoy a nice cup of Frozen Yogurt and cool down? What fitting punishment does our hero have reserved for His/her/It's wickedness? Will the atheists get better parts in future episodes? Will I stop ending this chapters with stupid questions? Well, there is only one way to find out: Tune in next time for the next uncommonly good episode of Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius!] ====================================================================== "It's not denial. I'm just very selective about what I accept as reality." --- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes") ====================================================================== Arturo Magidin magidin@math.berkeley.edu [Tim] What did you do to him anyway, Stryder, hit him over the head with a monkey wrench, and then left him behind, or what? [Stryder] It was Dan's idea! Really!