From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 15 Date: 26 May 1994 19:19:21 GMT Message-ID: <2s2snp$fcc@agate.berkeley.edu> [In our last episode we saw the Loyal Companion of All That Is Holy, Or Rather Of The Great Red Iguana, Ferret Boy, trying to prevent the doors of the Pube Fort from opening. Outside, with him, is a tank (formerly of the USSR) commanded by the WACSDAAG forces: Angela Dyer, Dan Johnson, Stryder, and Clark Adams] [Angee] Oh, you're here. I've been meaning to have a word with you. [Ferret Boy turns around surprised] Huh? [Angee] No, not you. The writer. [The writer pauses confused] [...] [Angee] Last episode you had me call Ferret Boy a rodent. You should know ferrets aren't rodents! [The writer is confused since since he already explained that it was an insult] [Angee] I don't care! I'm not calling a ferret a rodent and that's that! [Ferret Boy looks lovingly at Angee] Why, thank you! It's the first time anybody has stood up for me. [Angee] Look, Ferret Boy, this has nothing to do with you. It's a taxonomical problem. Nothing more, and nothing less. [Getting back to the action... The door fo the Pube Fort is slowly opening] [A blinging flash of light can be glimpsed through the barely open doors] [Dan] Everyone, cover your eyes! It's a trap! [Everyone covers their eyes] [Voice through the door] So, I hear you all are interested in some destruction. Can I join your little party and do some destruction on with you? [Angee] Who are you? What's going on? [Tim Lehnerer] I'm Tim Lehnerer. I just helped some idiot guy capture the Red Iguana. It was extremely easy, by the way... If I may be so bold, why is it that you all are covering your eyes? [Stryder] You are blinding us with something. Could you do something about that, please? It's hard to do wanton destruction when you can't see where you are going. [Tim] Oh, it must be my hawaiian shirt! Sorry. Let's see what I can do... [Tim puts on a sweatshirt covering up the loud hawaiian shirt he used to defeat the Mighty Red Iguana. He looks at Angee's hand and notices the extra Silver Secret Atheist Conspiracy Decoder Ring that the Man in Black left last episode] [Tim] Hey, that's neat. Can I have it? [Everyone shrugs] [Dan] Hey! Where did that rodent... [Angee] Dan! [Dan] I mean, Where did that Ferret Boy go? And how come the doors are locked again now? [Tim] Oops! [We now join the Loyal Sidekick as he rushes back to the office of the Very Hard to Defeat Red Iguana, Defender of all That Is Holy] [Ferret Boy] Red Iguana! Red Iguana! The atheists! They have a tank! They are ... [Ferret Boy enters the Red Iguana's office and finds him confined in a cage of Blue Logical Thought. And with him is that Evil Corrupter of the Vector Of Society: Knowledgius Objectivus, Vile Atheist God!] [Ferret Boy seems to have come in in the middle of a torture session] [Knowledgius, breathless] No, no, no! Look here, "atheism": from "a-" lack of, and "theism", belief in God. It couldn't possibly be a religion! [The Red Iguana looses his cool for a few seconds] In article <2rorft$1r83@inca.gate.net>, Publius wrote: > > *****>>> > [Knowledgius] Swearing will not help your case! Use logical arguments, dammit! [The Red Iguana regains his composture and continues his Mighty Argumentation] > Atheism is a Religion under any reasonable definition of the term. [Knowledgius] But... > A 'God' doesn't have to be 'supernatural' to qualify. [Knowledgius] Hey! Are you insinuating anything about my lifestyle? Who are you to decide what is natural or not? ->I<-, Knowledgius Objectivus, am the Atheist God, and there is plenty supernatural about me. And I definitely qualified. I made better time than Zeus in the last heat, in fact... > I said that > the 'God' of Atheism was an abstraction [Knowledgius smashes his/her/its powerful fist into the Red Iguana's nose] [Knowledgius] Did that feel abstract to you? [Publius continues through a broken nose] > depdethebtibg the > cohpothite of the workibgth of the Lawth of Phythicth and Chemithtry. [Knowledgius] No! No! No!. Could the Laws of Physics and Chemistry have broken your nose? Come on! > The 'God' of Atheithb ith got 'thupergatural'. [Knowledgius] Hey! No need to resort to name-calling. > Itth 'God' > ith entirely 'batural'. Itth characterithticth are eathily 'provable' > and totally thupportable by the Gatural Thientheth. [Ferret Boy mutters] Way to go, Publius! Keep at him! He looks tired. [Knowledgius is tearing at his/its/her hair in desperation] > That ith why > in thith 'Age of Enlightehbeht' the Atheitht Religiog is bot obly > in the athebdabthy, it ith the leadibg Religiog ig the World. [Knowledgius, weakly] No, no, no, no! It's not a religion! It's not the leading religion in the world. Haven't you seen any polls, moron? Atheists are less than 10% of the population! > Here in the U TH A it ith the obly Religiob that ith perbitted to be > taught in our public thchoolth. If you dob't believe be, athk the > thchool childreb what they are taught to believe about the origib > of Life abd the Theory of Evolutiob [Ferret Boy forgets himself and shouts] You tell him! Listen to the Mighty Red Iguana! He knows the Truth when he sees it! [Publius smiles at the cheer and continues] > - whothe bathic Tebet ith that > Life begag as the rethult of a pribordial chebical accidebt, and > throgh the procethth of 'adaptatiob' abd 'thurvival of the fittetht' > arrived at itth prethegt thtate, with Bag at the top of the > Aghibal Kihgdob. [Ferret Boy sees Knowledgius is slumping to the floor under this barrage of nonsense] Way to go, Publius! You show him! Tell him about the Supreme Court! Tell him about the Supreme Court! [Publius nods tiredly, as if to say that he was about to mentin it] > By edict of our Thuprebe Court, go altergative > cogthept is perbitted to be taught. > PUBLIUTH [Knowledgius lets out a ragged breath and collapses unconcious on the floor] [Ferret Boy] Great work, Great Iguana of Redness! You have defeated Knowledgius. But why are you inside that cage? [Publius carefully reaches for the blue beams froming the cage. A small lightning bolt arcs and hits his outstreched hand] > > *****>>> > [Ferret Boy covers his ears] Remember, you aren't supposed to take the Lord's Name in vain! [What will happen next? Has Knowledgius been defeated? Will the Red Iguana escape confinement? Does Ferret Boy know enough First Aid to repair the broken nose? And ->where<- is Stacy Prowell? Don't miss the next enthralling episode of Red Iguana Noon: The Wrath of Knowledigus.] ====================================================================== "It's not denial. I'm just very selective about what I accept as reality." --- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes") ====================================================================== Arturo Magidin magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu magidin@math.berkeley.edu [Stacy Prowell] So, am I coming back into action soon? If not, you can forget about ->your<- secret decoder ring, Arturo.