From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 14 Date: 20 May 1994 01:03:02 GMT Message-ID: <2rh286$m1l@agate.berkeley.edu> [In the last episode, the Loyal Ferret Boy vowed to prevent the WACSDAAG forces from entering the Pube Fort. We join the action after an aborted attempt at stoping the tank by lying in front of it.] [Ferret Boy] Who will stand with me? Who will defend the stronghold of the Mighty Red Iguana, Defender of All that is Egyptian, ehr, Holy? [Angela Dyer, Stryder, Dan Johnson and Clark Adams look around. There is nobody around.] [Angee] Looks like nobody will, Ferret Boy. [Voice in the distance] Wait! Wait! I'm coming! [Ferret Boy] Har! You thought no one would protect Publius! You thought you could prevail over us! But you were wrong! [In the distance we see a man running towards the compound] [Angee says to the man] Will you help this rodent defend the stronghold of that idiot? [The man is dressed all in black, giving an eerie look and allowing me to give him a good nickname instead of finding a good name for him] [Man in Black] Yes. [Ferret Boy] Yay! Come, help me stop the Atheist Conspirators from destroying the Pube Fort! [Man in Black] I will defend the Pube Fort till the last drop of Ferret Boy's blood! [Ferret Boy] Well spoke... [pause] Wait a second! Pronoun trouble! That should have been "till the last drop of my blood". [Man in Black] That's what I said. Till the last drop of your blood. Enjoy! [He leaves] [Dan] Who was that Man in Black? [Stryder] I don't know, but he left this. [He opens his hand and reveals five silver [long dramatic pause] Secret Atheist Conspiracy Decoder Rings (tm)!] [Dan] Hey, cool! He must have been sent by Andrew Lias. Give me one. [Angee] I'll take the smaller one. [Clark] I'll take one. [Stryder] That leaves one more. I wonder who it is for? [At that precise instant, the doors to the Pube Fort begin to open slowly] [Ferret Boy throws his body against the doors in a futile and comical attempt to prevent them from opening] [Ferret Boy] No! Don't open the door! The Atheists are here! Don't open the door! [His attempts are, as I believe I've mentioned, futile. The door opens. In the doorway we can see a shape. The shape of...] [WRITER's NOTE: To be able to quote some of The Red Iguana's famous sayings in this chapter, I am now forced to suspend the action before revealing who has opened the door. I will only point out that we have reached the same point in time as the end of Chapter 12. To forestall a loss of interest in this series, I will now start a contest in the hopes of increasing the readership. It is, after all sweeps week. The first person to correctly post or e-mail me the identity of the mysterious figure will receive a prize.] [After that word from our sponsors, we return to the inside of the Pube Fort. The evil atheist God, Knowledgius Objectivus, has captured the Champion of Madison and Quoter of Washington, the Very Hard to Beat Red Iguana (we couldn't say Invincible, could we?)] [Knowledgius] Nothing can stop me now from polluting society with my evil minions! What have you got to say about that, Pubis? In article <2qg9og$110e@inca.gate.net>, Publius wrote: > Response by E-mail. > [Knowledgius looks confused] What? Let me check! [He/it/she takes out her/his/its pocket computer and turns it on.] [Screen] Hello! This is Eddy, your own personal computer. Whatever you want me to do, I will do with the utmost pleasure. What can I do for you? [Knowledgius] I would like to log into my account, please. [Eddy] Oh, certainly. Anything else I can do for you? [Knowledgius] No. Just log in, if you could. [Eddy] Loging in. Login: [Knowledgius types] GODOFATHEISTS [Eddy] Password: [Knowledgius suddenly looks around and decides to shield the screen and computer from the view of Publius] [He does so, and types] LAWSOFPHYSICSANDCHEMISTRY [Eddy] You have logged into your account. You have new mail. [Knowledgius] Display, please. [Eddy] Are you sure you don't want me to do anything else for you? Anything that would help you experience your existence in a more pleasurable manner? [Knowledgius] No. Please display my mail. [Eddy] I know! How about a little game of Vectorizing Society? [Knowledgius] I said no. Display mail, computer. [Eddy] Then how about a game of Autonomous Men? [Knowledgius] Look, either you display my mail immediately, or I will take an axe and give you a reprogramming you will never forget! [Eddy pauses] [Eddy] I see this is a relationship we will all have to work at. Here' your mail. [Knowledgius] Thank Me! Finally! [Eddy] Hello friend. My name is Dave Rhodes. In 1987 my car was repossesed and... [Knowledgius] Oh, not that again. Computer. Stop display. Erase message. Mail copy of "Idiot Post" to root and postmaster at domain where message originated. Any other messages? [Eddy] No. Sorry. [Knowledgius] Ok. [He/she/it turns to Publius] Liar! No such e-mail has reached me. Although I just thought of a neat way of torturing you and making you loose your account at the same time... [Knowledgius smiles wickedly and rubs his hands together] [Knowledgius] Well, anyway, you haven't answered my question. What have you got to say to me? > But as to 'worship', I personally consider 'Christ' (Son of God) > and 'God' to be 'Family'. [Knowledgius] Well, that wasn't the question, but I guess it's too much to expect coherence from you. Ok. Let's talk about that looser then. So, no real family, do you? I personally consider 'dad' to be my 'father' and 'mom' to be my 'mother'. Who else is in this family of 'yours'? Do you worhsip 'your' 'father'? > If I 'worship' God, it could only be > in the sense a Son worships his Father - trying to emulate Him. [Knowledgius] I know there is no hope of a coherent answer, but pray tell, why the capital letter? > I am a Christian and I suppose this attitude makes me a 'throwback' > to the original, fundamental 'Christianity' as presented by Christ. [Knowledgius] Like I said, no hope of a coherent answer. But we finally agree on something. You are a throwback, but to the time of the monkeys, not of Christ. You have the brain capacity of an artichoke. >\Today, most Christians have a Master/Slave attitude toward God, [Knowledgius] I've talked to him about that. I said "Look, Joey..." I call him Joey, short for Jehovaey. I said "Look, Joey, all this adoration and slaves do you no good. Here I am, a couple hundred atheists, and I'm already changing the vector of society. What have you got to show for yourself? And idiot, running around dressed like a crimsom lizard!" Do you know what he answered? > somewhat akin to the Jewish attitude toward God [Knowledgius] Ehr, no, he didn't. Unlike you, he can actually answer a direct question. What he said was.. [He is interrupted by the Red Iguana, who seems oblivious to the cage of Blue Logical Thought that surrounds him and is now very much into his lecture.] > - a somewhat > aloof Creator God who has chosen the Jews for his People and who > haslaid out the Laws and Principle governing that Relationship, > punishing his People for any deviasionship - but never abandoning > them. [Knowledgius] I see, and where is He now that you need him? Ha! He is nowhere near here! I'll bet that will show you! > That is OK [Knowledgius eyes Publius suspiciously] Is it? Why? Do you have a, plan or something? > but [Knowledgius smiles] I thought so. What can you hope to achieve while imprisioned in my little cage? > the misinterpretation of these Laws and > Principles [Knowledgius] Whoa! Won't he be angry with you if you do that? You know what often happens to people who do that? It often... [Publius nods and continues for Knowledgius] > often leads to some sticky situations. [Knowledgius] To say the least! > So, I'll just be my own kind of Christian - a neo-Christian, I > guess I'll have to be called. [Knowledgius] Ha! If you have to be called anything, I would say you are a neo-loonie. Or neo-idiot. Or.. Well, you get the picture, don't you? > My objective, in keeping with the > logic [Whole readership of alt.atheism] BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! > of my position, is to look at the developing Future > and the portends of disaster for both the Christians (Western Man) [Knowledgius] So, I guess oriental christians don't count, huh? > and the Jewish Nation - trapped as Minorities in a Sea of Humanity - [Knowledgius] No, you have that quote wrong. Its "...against a Sea of Troubles." You know, from _Hamlet_. [Publius is completely oblivious to this and continues in full lecture mode, even to the extent of including his signature] > and outline, as best I can, the 'only way out'. PUBLIUS > > [Has Publius flipped his lid? Who is the mysterious character who has opened the gates of the Pube Fort? Where is Stacy Prowell? Will Knowledgius come up with a good torture for Publius? Will there be anybody left reading this series now that finals are over and most students are going home? Don't miss the next installment of Red Iguana Noon: The Wrath of Knowledgius.] ====================================================================== "It's not denial. I'm just very selective about what I accept as reality." --- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes") ====================================================================== Arturo Magidin magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu magidin@math.berkeley.edu [Stacy looks at his hand] Oh, cool! A silver secret decoder ring! Thanks, Man in Black! [He says more softly to himself] And thanks for the info on where I can find that traitor Stryder... I'll guarantee I'll make you suffer Stryder!