From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 11 Date: 17 Apr 1994 21:48:22 GMT Message-ID: <2osar6$4l3@agate.berkeley.edu> [During our last episode, Arch-Atheist Stacy Prowell's head had an unfortunate encounter with Mr. Wrench and he is now safely asleep. In the meantime, Angela Dyer has taken control of the WACSDAAG forces surrounding the Pube Fort and has convinced the Eternal Sidekick Ferret Boy to come out and parlay with her.] [Ferret Boy is quickly trying to go out and talk with Angee, who has claimed she loves animals.] [Ferret Boy, to Tim Lehnerer] Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go! [Tim] I think I better stay here and protect the Red Iguana. You know, it could be that the atheists are setting a trap for him. Also I was hired to look after him, remember? [Ferret Boy] Yeah. Whatever. I'm going! [Ferret Boy exits Publius' office and runs to his room, he puts on his formal Ferret Boy Costume (the one with the golden stripe on the back) and runs to the door for his conference with Angee.] [Meanwhile, in the office, Tim is still wearing the Red Shirt of the disguise Knowledgius Objectivus, Vile Atheist God, gave him to infiltrate the Pube Fort.] [Tim] You know, this Red Shirt is getting a bit tight. Do you mind, O Mighty Eater of the Paradox Sand- wich, if I go and change into something a little more comfortable? [The Mighty Iguana of Life-Oriented Religions shrugs] [Tim] Thanks! Be right back. [Tim leaves the office. He whips out the communicator in his belt and dials the phone number of Vile Atheist God Knowledgius Objectivus] [Tim] Knowledgius, are you there? [Knowledgius] About time you got me back in here, you scum! [Tim] Huh? [Knowledgius] I'm talking to the writer. Don't worry. [Tim] Oh, OK. Anyway, Mission Accomplished. Ferret Boy is gone and Publius is now in his office alone. I also broke the Mozumderizer Mark II, and took all of the Anti-Nomologizers from the office so he is defenseless. He is Yours. [Knowledgius, looking at the margins] You have to teach me how to that even margin bit one of this days. Well, Good Work and all of that. I'm on my way. [Tim] Can I get out of this Nameless Red Shirt uniform now? [Knowledgius] Whatever turns you on, Tim. [Tim comes back into the office. The Mighty Iguana looks up...] [And is suddenly blinded and deafened by the bright and loud outrageous Hawaiian shirt his former Red Shirt is wearing! His treason is now revealed! And is wearing loud clothes!] [Tim] Well, I have you now! [There's a blue flash of light next to Tim, and clad in bright blue shining clothes a figure of No Particular Race, Gender or Sexual Orientation takes form. Knowledgius Objectivus has arrived] [Knowledgius scowls at Tim] What did you say? [Tim] I said "We have you now!". [Knowledgius] No you didn't. Well, never mind. I'll take it out of your royalty shares for the series. [Turns to his/its/her arch-enemy] So, Publius, we meet again. No WACSDAAG atheists to save you by making me disappear! No weapons for you to fire at me... [Knowledgius peers closely at Publius who is shaking his head and seems oblivious to the speech Knowledgius just gave] [Knowledgius, to Tim] What's wrong with him? [Tim] I think my shirt blinded him. Also, it could have affected his hearing. It ->is<- somewhat loud, isn't it? [Knowledgius walks closer to the Red Iguana Suited Publius and shouts] IT'S ME! DEADLY ENEMY OF RELIGION HERE! CAN YOU HEAR ME? [Publius nodds] [Knowledgius] Good. Now, you are [evil pause] MINE! [A blue flash of light streams from Knowledgius' hand and forms a cage of Pure Logical Thought surrounding our hero! What can he do? How can he escape without thinking?] [Tim] Ha! I never dreamed it would be that easy. Then again, I also thought you promised me some wanton destruction? [Knowledgius] Well, I would need some worship first, you know? [Tim] Worship? You? But I'm an atheist! I don't worship anything! Except for a good pizza, of course. [Publius looks at both of them in contempt. He spits on the floor and says disdainfully] In article <2nv5cn$1uqf@inca.gate.net>, Publius wrote: > > Who's asking you to 'worship' anything? [Tim] Damn! He must still be a bit hard of hearing. Let me get a bit closer to him. [Tim walks to the Logical Thought cage and shouts] HE, ehr, SHE, eehr, well KNOWLEDGIUS TOLD ME THAT IF I WANT TO DO SOME DESTRUCTION I NEED TO WORSHIP HIM, eehr, HER, WELL, ->IT<-. > As an Atheist, you believe in the Atheist 'God' > but it would be absurd for you to worship him. [Knowledgius] Now, that is not fair! I don't tell you how to play your Game of the Gods, you shouldn't tell my atheists what to do. Remeber, they are Autonomous Men and they can think for themselves. [Knowledgius, to Tim] How was that? [Tim] Good, but you did have to put that extra space after the period. I would say that it needs a little more work. [Knowledgius] Well, whatever. [Tim, to Publius] As for you, Red Lizard, you are Wrong! As an Atheist, I do not believe in any God. I onlY believe In Pizza and Loud Hawaiian ShiRts. [Knowledgius] Tim, I think staying in the Pube Fort for so long has affected you. You are beginning to Wacky Capitalize some words. Why don't you go lie down for a while? Meanwhile I'll try to come up with a cure. [Tim, noticing what he has done, covers his mouth in fright and nodds at the atheist God] [Knowledgius] Now, back to you Lizard. What would you rather have me do? Skin you alive? Quarter you? Or read you back some of C*nn*r's poetry? > If you believe in a 'Living God' you should > honor Him by living a Life worthy of His > act of Creation [Knowledgius] What? Me, believe in a Living God? But I am a God! And I'm alive! I'm alive! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! No, the question is, what should I do with my enemies? Those that annoy Me? What should I do with Publius, the Red Iguana? > - but not worship him as > though it was good for His Ego. [Knowledgius] Well, of course not. I'm not about to start worshipping ->you<-. On the other hand, if there is one thing about you worth of worship it's your ego. I daresay if you climbed to the top of it you could commit suicide by jumping. Now, my little pet. Who am I going to destroy? > PUBLIUS > [Knowledgius] You know? That's the first thing you've said that makes any sense. [Knowledgius rubs his hands in anticipation...] [What will happen to our Invincible... ehr, Very Hard To Defeat Hero? Will Publius find a way of getting out of the Pure Logical Though Cage without thought? Will Knowledgius give him enough time to evolve into something that can come up with a plan? What has happened to Ferret Boy in the clutches of the eeeevil Atheist (Hack!, Coff!) Angela Dyer? If you want to ever find out, don't miss the next intriguing episode of Red Iguana Noon: The Wrath of Knowledgius!] ====================================================================== "It's not denial. I'm just very selective about what I accept as reality." --- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes") ====================================================================== Arturo Magidin magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu magidin@math.berkeley.edu [Knowledgius] Much better. Sorry about the threats, but I was really getting tired of waiting. [Arturo] No problem. Would you mind putting that Uzi away now?