From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 10 Date: 17 Apr 1994 07:41:51 GMT Message-ID: <2oqp7v$p1s@agate.berkeley.edu> [When last we saw our hero, Publius the Mighty Red Iguana, he was in his office inside the might Pube Fort, which is even now being surrounded by the evil forces of WACSDAAG (World Atheist Conspiracy to Spread the Disease of Atheism Across the Globe). They are under the orders of Arch-Atheist Stacy Prowell, who wants Publius's hide for his cat.] [Inside the Fort are Ever-Loyal-But-Not-Just-Now Ferret Boy, and Tim "Nameless Red Shirt" Lehnerer, a secret envoy of the Vile Atheist God Knowledgius Objectivus.] [Publius and Ferret Boy have just failed in their attempts to bargain with the WACSDAAG forces.] [Ferret Boy has also just noticed that the carpet in the office is faded.] [Ferret Boy] Hey! What happened to the carpet! [Tim] Ehr... [Covers his mouth] Why do you ask? [Ferret Boy] Well, look at all this splashes! It looks like if someone had dropped chlorine on it, but I can't smell anything... No! Wait! There seems to be a trace of... of... [pause] SARCASM! Who has been using sarcasm in the presence of our Madison-Loving Hero!? [Tim, attempting to change the subject] Shouldn't we discuss what to do about the atheists? If I remember correctly, Publius's plan was to wait and see if he would evolve into some thing that can come up with a plan. Right? In article <2nqijv$qf9@inca.gate.net>, Publius wrote: > > You've got it about right. [Tim] Exactly. Now, doesn't it strike you as a stupid sort of plan? [Ferret Boy] No. Why? [Tim] BECAUSE THE ARCH-ATHEIST IS NOT GOING TO GIVE US THAT MUCH TIME, YOU STUPID LITTLE RODENT! [Ferret Boy] No need to get into name-calling, you know. [The voice of Arch-Atheist Stacy Prowell resonates in the Pube Fort] [Stacy] Well, are you coming out, or are we gonna have to come and get you? We have you surrounded, you know. [Ferret Boy takes the microphone and yells] You might have us surrounded, but we have you outnumbered! [Stacy] Only if you count the multiple personalities in your Iguana's brain! [Ferret Boy turns off the microphone] I hoped that would work. Oh, well ... [Tim takes the microphone away and turns it on] Listen, Mr. Arch-Atheist. I am sure you don't want to tire your forces by attacking the Pube Fort and we certainly don't want any trouble. Would it not be in everybody's interest to attempt to settle it peacefully? How about a parlay? [Outside, the WACSDAAG forces are stunned by the words coming out of the loudspeakers] [Dan Johnson, looking suspiciously in the direction of the loudspeakers] Is this some kind of trick? [Clark Adams] Who can talk so sensibly and still be in there? It ->has<- to be a trick! [Stacy] Smells like a trap. [Yelling] If you will not give us the Iguana, then you will be destroyed. Those are your two choices. Do you have anything to say? [Tim] Can I take what is behind Door Number 3? [Stacy] I take that means you don't want to make a choice, right? [Publius runs to the microphone, pushing Tim down to the floor] > But give me the choice between the most naive 'Creationist > Theory' and the most learned presentation of the 'Scientific > Theory' - the one that says that as a result of a mind-boggling > confluence of space matter in just exactly the array that > resulted in the Earth, the compound of hydrogen and oxygen > we call Water, the tilting of the Earth on its axis so to > bring about the climate and an atmosphere that favored the > appearance of Life as the result of 'the chance interaction > of atoms' (Stephen W. Hawking") and made it possible for us > to sit in front of our computers - or looking in a mirror > and intoning "How great thou art" - Well, I have to opt > for the Creationist Theory as the more plausible. [Tim, looking at Ferret Boy] He does terrible things with what used to be then English language, doesn't he? [Ferret Boy, gazing adoringly at our hero] Oh, yes! He's so great he gets tongue-tied talking to himself. [Tim] And he didn't even take a breath in between the sentence. I guess Iguanas have large lungs. [Outside, the WACSDAAG forces are comletely dumbfounded] [All] Huh? [Dan, quitely to Stryder] Look, I don't know how to say this, but I think the Arch-Atheist has been acting rather... well, irrational lately. I think we should let him take a rest and try to solve this thing while he sleeps. [Stryder] But, you know Stacy doesn't go to bed until whatever's bugging him is resolved. How do you propose we convince him to stop? [Dan] Well, I was hoping reason, but I guess you're right. [Puts a hand into an inside pocket of his trenchcoat] You've met Mr. Wrench before, haven't you? [Stryder, looking at the wrench] Yes. So what? [Dan] Well, why don't you introduce him to Mr. Back-of-Stacy's-Head? [Inside the Pube Fort] [Ferret Boy] Well, I guess there's nothing else to do. I will now attempt a feat of lunatic daring. O Mighty Iguana of Life oriented religions, could you give me the microphone for a second? > (Reluctantly) [Ferret Boy takes the microphone from the reluctant Red Iguana] Hey, atheists! Is there any way we could try to talk our way out of this? [Tim] Hmfff! I already tried that, remember? They said no! What makes you think it will be different if ->you<- say it? [Stacy] Of course not! Didn't you hear me when I answered the same question to your idiotic Nameless Red Sh [Stacy slumps to the ground, an angelic smile on his face. Behind him, Stryder is standing with a wrench in his hand.] [Stryder] I guess you were right, Dan. Looks like he really needed the sleep. [Angela Dyer] Well, I guess that means I take command now. [Dan] How do you figure? [Angela whispers something into Dan's ear] [Dan] Oh, ok. You can take the lead. Just because the writer can't come up with any good excuse I shouldn't stand in your way. [Angela, loudly] Hi, this is Angela Dyer. Who am I addressing? > > PUBLIUS > [Angela] Ah, yes, Mr. Publius. Look, how about if we have a little cease-fire of sorts? You could send a delegation from the Fort to discuss the terms of your surrender, now while the Arch-Atheist is taking his much needed rest. [Ferret Boy, in the microphone] Never! We will never submit to the Atheist (hack, hack, coff, coff) forces! [Angela] Is that you, Ferret Boy? I did tell you I just ->love<- animals, didn't I? [Ferret Boy quickly turns off the microphone. He is now a very deep shade of red] Well, what are we waiting for? [Will the atheist forces reach an agreement with the Mighty Red Iguana of Life Oriented Religions? What will Stacy do when he wakes up? What terrible fate awaits Stryder and Mr. Wrench? When are the evil plots of Knowledgius going to be revealed? Will Publius again mention the Game of the Gods? Will I write more episodes in the near future? Don't miss the next un-edifying episode of Red Iguana Noon: The Wrath of Knowledgius! And that reminds me... Will there be a more apparent link with Star Trek II and this series?] ====================================================================== "It's not denial. I'm just very selective about what I accept as reality." --- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes") ====================================================================== Arturo Magidin magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu magidin@math.berkeley.edu [Arturo Magidin faces the angry Knowledgius Objectivus] [Arturo] Please! I promise! You'll be in the next episode! Really! Don't hurt me! Please, don't hurt me!