From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu Sat Apr 9 17:35:32 PDT 1994 Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 1 Date: 4 Apr 1994 17:09:11 GMT Message-ID: <2nphjn$79d@agate.berkeley.edu> [In the real world, two months have passed since Arch-atheist Stacy Prowell and his minions mistakenly defeated their own God, Knowledgius Objectivus, using their dreaded weapon, the FAQ. Since then, they have retreated once more to the Isle of Logis, to continue their villanous plans to infect all of Society with that disease known as Atheism.] [Meanwhile, our hero, The Red Iguana, Defender of Madison, Tester of Knowledge About Washington, Re-Definer Extraordinaire, Publius, has managed to secure a small but succesful stronghold which he now rules helped by his Ever-Faithful Sidekick, Ferret Boy. From there, he hopes to teach all of humanity how to Think Proper Thoughts, reject the Atheistic Religion, and Make This Nation a Christian Nation Once Again(tm)] [At the Governor's mansion, we see Ferret Boy coming in to talk with the Red Iguana. He has a worried look on his face and is waving the local Newspaper, the "Game of Gods Daily" wildly around trying to get The Red Iguana's attention]. [Ferret Boy]: O Great Iguana of Redness, we have trouble! [Publius looks up, looking unconcerned] [Ferret Boy]: No, this time I mean it! It's the biggest crisis we've had since Knowledgius took my magazine colle... ehr, since Knowledgius had us trapped in the garage of the Pube Dome! [Publius motions Ferret Boy to continue] [Ferret Boy] Ah, yes. You see, although you have promised that The Living God will protect all who flock to our banner, well, I don't know how to put this, but... Well, yesterday during Praying hour... [Publius looks confused] [Ferret Boy] Uh, you know, O Red Iguana, it was one of the changes you instituted here at the Pube Fort to help return Christianity to Its Proper Place. Everybody has to go pray, you know... Well, anyway, all your followers were there praying when... well, you know how you didn't want to spend too much on nails? [Publius nodds, slowly] [Ferret Boy] Well, the thing is I wanted to make sure our house wouldn't fall down, and then it turns out that I didn't have enough nails to really hold the Prayer Hall's roof in place, and... well... it fell down on you followers. What are we going to do! [Shouts]Nobody will join us now! And after we defeated Knowledgius, this is a disaster! [Publius stands up, and switches on the Sound System for the Pube Fort] [Ferret Boy] Red Iguana, what are you doing? Didn't you hear, nobody is left! [Publius speaks into the microphone; His voice reverberates through the Pube Fort] In article <2ncgs3$1ih0@inca.gate.net>, Publius wrote: > > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > Obviously, it was the ATHEIST GOD who dropped > the roof on those unfortunates [Ferret Boy, looking confused] But... Didn't we defeat Knowledgius? Didn't he disappear in a puff of logic? How can it be his fault? [Looks suspiciously at the Red Iguana] And besides, you haven't been outside of your office since the Pube Fort was built! You've been trying to figure out how to post a reply that actually says something, haven't you? > - The God whose > Nature is completely explainable according to > the Laws of Physics and Chemistry. [Ferret Boy] Publius! Publius! Wake up! We destroyed Knowledgius! He can't be back! Publius? Are you listening? > You have to > watch out for this Atheist God! > PUBLIUS > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ [Ferret Boy] Well, I guess this could be a Divine Revelation... No! Wait! I know what it was. Did your DNA tell you this? [Publius nodds solemnly] [Ferret Boy] Ok, I guess it's true then. Your DNA hasn't lied before... I guess I'll have to go back to the Isle of Logis (hack, coff, hack, hack) and investigate this... [Publius nodds again] [Ferret Boy] And if I find him, I'll show him! Any last words of wisdom before I embark on this holy quest? > [Ferret Boy] Guess not... [While Ferret Boy prepares to leave the security of the Pube Fort to go investigate this strange occurrence, we go to Isle of Logis, The Scrofulous Atheistic Base of Operations, and home of the Skeptic Hotline. We see Arch-Atheist, Stacy Prowell, walking around the island with nothing to say, because he isn't writting this anymore. Suddenly, behind Stacy, a voice can be heard faintly saying] [Voice, faintly saying] ... greater than any conceivable... which exists is greater than a thing which doesn't... [Stacy turns around and looks suspiciously at where the voice is coming from. A faint shape is materializing] [Faint Shape] I am the .... A ... which is greater than any... thing which doesn't.... [Stacy] That sounds like someone is quoting Anselm... But how can that be? Here? In the Isle of Logis? I'll better go warn everyone! [Stacy leaves for the Base of Operations] [Had Stacy stayed, he would have seen a form take shape, a form clothed in a shining blue rainment, a shape of No Particular Race, Gender, or Sexual Orientation(tm)...] [Yes! It's the Arch-Enemy of the Iguana of Life-Oriented Religions! It is no other than...] [Eerie music on the backgournd] [Knowledgius Objectivus, Atheist God!] [Knowledgius] Uhm, ->Vile<- Atheist God, if you please. [Ooops, sorry. Knowledgius Objectivus, Vile Atheist God!] [Knowledgius] That's better. [Knowledgius] I'll show that Red Iguana and that Rodent Tyke to mess with me! Imagine, making *me* dissappear in a puff of logic! [a slow smile starts spreading through Knowledgius' face] Wait 'til they get a load of the new me! [What will happen now? What Vile Yellow-Bellied Plan does Knowledgius have? What will happen to our hero? Will Knowledgius manage to control *his/her/its* minions this time, or will he/she/it have to fight the FAQ as well as the Iguana? Tune in next time to find out!] ====================================================================== "It's not denial. I'm just very selective about what I accept as reality." --- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes") ====================================================================== Arturo Magidin magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu magidin@math.berkeley.edu