Jed Clampett died this week. How come they didn't lower the flag for Jed Clampett? I bet they lowered it for Lassie and Rin Tin Tin! I bet they lowered it for Pee Wee Herman! He's like the president. I bet they didn't even lower the flag in Kentucky, in Tennessee, even the state flag. Our country has gone to hell on a frozen biscuit, a freeze-dried biscuit. Did anyone notice if the flag was lowered to half staff for Lester Maddux or George Wallace or the Grand Dragon of the University of Canada?

You could do a whole thesis on the Hostess Ding Dong.

Anybody here from Nigeria get an invitation to the Sierra Club?

I see so many people barefoot, digging ditches and wells and shovelling guano.

Anybody from Liberia get a special gold-embossed telegram from the Sierra Club? Any Liberian foreign exchange students up at I-House? Maybe I should offer to take them to Tilden Park and give them bologna sandwiches.

Transcribed October 2004:

You'll have to pay your rent even if you major in ethnic studies, even if you're an ambassador.

Maybe we could finally have an ambassador if they could make a good Egg McMuffin...I'm talking assembly line, powdered eggs.

Me: How can you avoid paying rent? Yardtips: Go native! Wear a hula skirt. Like the Africans. Like Eminem.